Twilight
by Oparu
Summary: Alternate reality where Olivia Blake went to Law School and Gregory Richards became a history professor.
1. Chapter 1

Sunset Beach

February, 1975

Sinking beneath the dark surface of my coffee, the white cream from the little silver pitcher disappears momentarily before erupting upward in a curling mass of tendrils. It becomes a layer of white and crowns my cup in richness but by then I've lost interest. She has arrived. She walks in through that door on the far side of the library. All her books are neatly in her smart leather and canvas satchel because she would never balance them in her arms. She's too perfect for that.

Her hair's tucked back in a single clip near the nape of her neck, the silver filigreed one I imagine was a gift from a lover. I picture him pinning it in her hair and wish it were my hands lost in that mass of dark brown curls. Folding her sunglasses and tucking them away in her purse, she looks down as she passes my corner of the law library and I have the rare opportunity to study her up close.

Tall black heels compromise for her height. She would probably only come up to my chin with them off, not surprising considering my six feet. She must only be around five foot four but her simple presence makes her seem much taller. Her favoring skirts in the hot California summer gives me a prized glimpse of the smooth muscles of her calves. She doesn't wear hose and I just about drop my coffee cup as I think about the wind brushing the skin of her legs.

In that moment as I set down my cup in a hurry, she looks over towards me. I don't have time to look away and I wonder how I appear to those stunning blue eyes. Tall, more thin than muscular with mussed brown hair and brown eyes that are too deep for my own good, as my mother would say. Her lips dance in a hint of a smile, but she's too busy to waste that luxury on me.

The fullness of those lips turning upward in a brilliant smile fills my imagination with promise. Someday she'll turn to me, let me cup that little stubborn chin with my hands and say-

"Gregory!" Bette bustles around the corner, brilliant this morning in a sundress covered with three different kinds of red sunflowers on a yellow background. "Are you ready for breakfast yet?"

"Of course." I promise as I give in to her friendly embrace. "I was just-" I turn back, but she's gone. She'll be upstairs to the desk she rents by now, locked away in pile of legal texts for the rest of the day.

Giggling knowingly as she balances her hands on her hips, Bette takes my hand, grabs my coffee and leads me out of the library. "Just wasting my youth and good looks on a woman I'm afraid to even talk too." She teases in her best impression of my quiet ineptitude.

"I'm not-" I begin but fall apart under her knowing gaze. "I am afraid. She's first in her class, they say she's being scouted for a position at Massey-Greysolon. My father has Massey on retainer if she's going to work for that bastard, she's entirely out of my league."

"Maybe you can get her on retainer." Bette teases as she drags me off towards the little mom and pop cafe she loves so much.

I start to blush, but it runs away with a will of it's own as I let myself imagine Olivia Blake in the context of Bette's innuendo. "That's absolutely crude."

Stopping me in the street, she pulls me down to whisper in my ear. "Ripping off that perfectly tailored suit, throwing her nude down on your father's desk, and taking her hard until she begs you to stop-" Bette winks as my blush turns to brilliant crimson. "That's crude." She finishes more audible tone. "Come on Greggy, there's pancakes to be had and a dear friend to console about her lout of a husband."

I take her arm and forget about Olivia Blake for the moment. She'll be back tomorrow morning anyway. "What did Jeff do to you now?"

Sunset Beach

January, 1997

"Thank you Rose." I say mechanically as she fills my crystal flute with orange juice. It seems silly to drink orange juice from something so beautiful, but it's the way Olivia likes things to be done. I take a croissant from the basket and drop it unceremoniously on my plate. I reach for my knife and the butter but I can hear Olivia's voice as she emerges from the door onto the patio.

"That's what he's asking you to do, this young man, this little boy's daddy-" She walks towards me with the paper in her hand. Olivia's already dressed and for a moment I try to remember the last time I saw her out of a suit. My robe is fine for this lazy morning. My first class at Sunset Beach Academy isn't until 10am and none of my students expect the level of perfection in appearance my wife demands of herself.

A fly wanders on the table in front of me and I wonder what he thinks of me. If he knows that the glass table he's walking on cost three thousand dollars. If he can tell my silk robe was imported from Italy and a gift from my wife through her secretary for my birthday last year. I wonder if Olivia even knew what color it was.

"No, no Gregory won't be coming with me to Aspen... He's got a lot of things to do..." She continues as she reads the paper without even acknowledging that I'm here. "He's always busy at the school and the radio station."

"I bet you look at all of this and think it's lovely." I remark to the fly as he circles near my plate. "You're lucky, your simple little mind can't comprehend how much having this wealth corrupts you. How desperate, grasping and empty you'd become if this was yours."

I drop my hand to the table next to him, tracing my finger in a path behind him. "But I envy you. You can just fly away when it gets to be too much."

Olivia pauses her conversation. "Hold on a second." She slams down the paper, ending the life of my little friend as efficiently as she ended mine. She scrapes his dead body off the paper to fall to the ground. She ignores breakfast and heads back inside. "No Caitlin's going to be coming with me. Yes, she is beautiful isn't she? She's a sophomore at UCLA. Yes, Gregory and I are very proud of her."

The patio door slams shut behind her and it ends another morning. One more lifeless day that much closer to being behind me. I take a long sip of orange juice and smile bitterly as I remember when I used to look forward to mornings. When each one held the promise that the rest of my life could be that amazing, that extraordinary. Now morning is just the gray end of one more night where we lie in bed without touching and the start of one more day where we don't look at each other. I take my glass and raise it to my lips. "One more step towards oblivion."


	2. play

**Sunset Beach  
February, 1975**

The knot of tension settles into my forehead, digging back behind my eyes. I'm used to the headaches, they happen when one spends eight hours a day locked in the upper level of the library. I read more than I talk to other human beings. No one Del and Elaine tell me I'll be married to a book before I find another lover.

They don't know this headache's name is AJ Deschanel. I'd never admit it to either of them that I wish my name was on the invitation in front of me. "Armando James Deschanel and Elaine Marie Stevens invite you to share their blessed union on the twenty-seventh of February." Disgusting. I shove the invitation back into the bottom of my bag and immediately regret it. The delicate French lace and the embossed script will be ruined now. I fish it out of bag and try to smooth it off. AJ wasn't looking for a wife when we dated. That why I broke it off. I wanted marriage, I needed the stability a wealthy, weak-minded man like AJ could give me. He wouldn't interfere with my career and he would have removed me from my dangerous position as a single woman about to break into high society.

It's one thing to be beautiful, driven, successful and Mrs. So-and-so, it's quite another thing to be single. Being unattached makes me a threat to the kept women and their gilded birdcages. As long as I have some pretty boy give me his name and a ring I'm one of them, but I'll never be anyone's pet. I'll never let anyone keep me in a cage, no matter how beautiful it is.

As I smooth the wrinkles in the lace trim of the invitation, the pain in my heart edges out the tension in my head just for a moment. No matter how much I push away my desire to never belong to anyone, I can't take away the loneliness. My father warned me it would be this way. At least, he tried to get through to me. I never listen.

I shut my books on the dammed wedding invitation and get up to leave. Doesn't matter that I haven't studied the elements of pre-gold rush common law I meant to have down cold by today. I can't put myself through that at the moment. Right now I want a drink. My watch reads a few minutes past one. Del should be into his bar by now and he can never turn me down.

As I leave the library I nearly run into a man, the tall, lanky, frumpy type that reminds me of my father. He starts to apologize but I fly out of his way, saving him the trouble. He has the most extroadinary brown eyes as our gaze meets for a moment. He continues to stammer an apology, but I smile patronizingly and slip past him out into the sunshine.

The light burns into my eyes and exacerbates the headache. Maybe I shouldn't have that drink after all. I throw my bag over my shoulder and start towards the street. It's only a few blocks to Del's apartment. Madeline's still up the shore with her esteemed mother, so I'll have to fend of Del's usual method of spending an afternoon, but it'll be worth it to spend some time with someone who appreciates me. Someone who's as much of a scoundrel as I am.

"Darlin' you're far too beautiful to waste your afternoon on me." Del teases as

he drops my bag in the corner of his hall and drags me over to the bar. "But, don't let that make you think I don't appreciate it."

"It's nice to know someone appreciates me." I mutter morosely and Del stops shaking my martini.

"AJ's never been the tallest building on the block darlin' you should just let Laney have him and move on." He drops in my three olives and pours. The clear liquor splashes over the green fruit and settles lazily in my glass.

"Why didn't he want me?" I wait for my olives to absorb some of the vodka, but I know what he's answer is going to be before he makes the innuendo.

"Can't see who wouldn't, now darlin' Laney's a beautiful woman, but you're certainly something special."

His hand settles on my knee and I let a drop of vodka fall onto his hand from my empty toothpick. "Special perhaps, but not for you."

Slamming his hand into his chest in mock despair, Del pretends I've wounded him deeply. "You've never been for me, I just want to borrow you for awhile."

His hand on my shoulder sends a thrill of warmth down beneath the waistband of my skirt, but I'll never give into him and he knows it. "Who would you be borrowing me from?"

"Same person everyone else does." Del replies cryptically as he makes himself a second martini. "You belong to you and no other Olivia Blake. The best anyone, any man-" He leans over the bar and runs a hand over my left breast. It's a dirty gesture that makes me cross my legs a little tighter on my stool "Could do would be to rent you from yourself for awhile."

I push closer to him, sitting forward into his hand. "Just how much am I worth?"

He shrugs and pours the extra from his martini into my glass. "I might be able to afford an hour or two."

I take his glass and down it in a quick gulp before replying sardonically. "If you lasted long. Madeline certainly doesn't hold you in very high esteem."

"Madeline's pregnant, she doesn't care to play games with me anymore." He pouts like a little boy and squeezes into my breast with teasing fingers.

"That's what you get for getting married. Screaming snot-nosed brats who demand to be fed and changed at all hours of the night and take all your playtime away." I shudder, unable to imagine how horrible it would be to have a baby clinging to me every hour of every day. I'll leave that to Elaine and AJ. Maybe it'll make them happy.

Del raises his glass and winks at me. "Here's to playtime darlin'. Hopefully yours isn't done yet."

* * *

**Sunset Beach  
January, 1997**

Gregory's the last person I expected to find at the hotel but he smiles at me in that sarcastic way of his and adjusts my hat. "I like the hat." He admits in a tone that could nearly be fond. "Gives you a chin."

"Thank you darling." I embrace him and kiss the air near his cheek. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without him but I'm not done with him yet. Life is too short to spend it utterly alone and at least Gregory gives me someone to come home too. Even if that home isn't what it once was. "Early meeting?"

"Yes." He replies with a smile. "Had some advertisers for the radio station. What about you?"

"Elaine's in town." He might want to see her, but he'll never come if we're having a talk about money. "We've got some business to discuss."

Cole slithers around a corner like he doesn't want to be seen in the hotel, but I can't help feeling sorry for the poor boy. Del said Elaine found out about the beach house he was renting, and the way he dropped out of law school. It certainly can't be an easy time to be him.

"Olivia- Gregory." He fiddles with the suit coat he has in hands and a gun falls to the terra cottta floor of the courtyard. "Oops." The young man dives to pick it up, but not before Gregory sees it.

"Shooting your mother, how very Orestesian of you." He sighs dramatically and I don't even understand his obscure reference.

Cole stuffs the gun away. "It's not what it looks like." He promises me with a dimpled smile. "It's a toy, I'm just trying to frighten her. Make her realize that I wasn't wasting my life-"

"No, just wasting your mother's money." Gregory quips bitterly and I glare at him to shut him up. Just because he's father of the year at home doesn't mean he knows how to raise anyone else's children.

"Why don't you let me talk to your mother?" I offer warmly, smiling to reassure the young man. "I'm sure I can convince her that she's gone too far this time. Just give me a chance."

Cole gives in and hands over the 'toy' gun into my outstretched palm. "I just want her to see reason."

"She will." I promise firmly. "Just give me some time to talk to her. Mother to mother."

Gregory coughs something into his hand but I ignore it. It's probably just another one of his jibes at my parenting ability. "I'll work things out." I tuck the gun away into my purse. I'll find out what type of 'toy' it is later. Cole hugs me suddenly, surprising me.

"You always do." He steers clear of Gregory's disapproval and disappears back towards the parking lot. I turn to the elevator, equally shocked when Gregory follows me.

"I'll come up with you. I haven't seen Elaine in aeons."


	3. trapped

February 1975

"I walked into her today. She was in a hurry, she always is. I didn't get a chance to apologize but-" I lower my head, suddenly terribly embarrassed. "You'll think less of me."

Alex shakes her head and lowers herself carefully to the sand beneath her feet. It's much more of an endeavor than it was a few months ago. Now her petite frame has to carry the additional weight of her pregnancy and she resembles more a lazy cat than the little blonde sprite I'm accustomed too. "No, I won't." She settles in the sand and pulls off her shoes with a sigh of happiness. "I promise, you know I'd never shatter your confidence like that."

"She smells amazing." I admit as my face flushes to crimson. "Like lavender and fresh lilies, not in that overly flowery way that makes you think of the plants instead of the woman, but in a way that makes it impossible for me to stop thinking about her." I drop to the sand next to her and move her shoes away from the crawling edge of the surf.

"If I wasn't already married, I'd be jealous." Alex quips as she lies back on the sand and watches the cloudy sky. "Must be lovely to be free like that." Sighing as she turns her head towards me, she winks. "But you're looking to get tied down aren't you?"

"You could leave him." I point out dutifully as I ignore her jibe. "Just take the baby and go."

"Where?" Alex asks with a bittersweet smile as she turns her attention back to the sky. "Can't really drag the poor kid all over the world now can I?"

I lie down in the cool sand next to her and see the first hint of the moon start to peek through the cloud cover. "I can think of worse ways to grow up."

"It wouldn't be fair." Alex replies with the same exhausted sigh. "I can't take this baby away from his or her dad, not without giving John a chance to know his child."

"So you're back to where you started." I remind her gently. "Someday, you know you'll have to get away from him."

"I'm constantly away." She teases with a half-hearted wink as she rolls up on one elbow. "That's what John loves about me. I'm beautiful, talented and continuously on the wrong side of the world." Dropping back to the sand with a giggle, she rests her hands on her mounded belly. "Though, admittedly my traveling has been cut short lately.

I reach for her hand and entangle my fingers in it. "You are definitely the first two."

"And you're charming." Alex wraps her other hand over mine and seems even sadder than she was a moment ago. "I'm going to miss you when you finally get that lady of yours."

I pull my hand away to run it nervously through my hair as I sit up. "Olivia Blake is too good for me." I pick up a few stray pieces of beach glass and toss them back into the surf. "Have you seen the people she spends her time with? Massey, Greysolon, AJ Deschanel-"

"Del Douglas, who's sister happens to be your best friend. Elaine Stevens, who you've known for years. You're making excuses to someone who knows all the excuses." Alex kisses the tip of my nose and grins impishly. "I make better ones for staying with my husband."

She runs delicate fingers across my back and digs her toes into the sand. "You're just afraid of rejection, like everyone else. And pretending she's out of your league just lets you down easy, without any of that terrifying speaking to her."

I flip to my stomach, watching the moon start to illuminate her face. I wish I'd met her first. Before John married her and put the genie back in her shackles. "What would I say?"

Alex draws little circles in the sand without watching her hands. "She's a lawyer, incredibly driven, controlled, beautiful and recently single from a stinging breakup with AJ, who refused to marry her but jumped into an engagement with her best friend." She keeps her eyes on the clouds and starts to laugh. "A woman like that wants stability. She doesn't want a lover, she wants a wife. Someone to come home to at the end of the day. Someone sweet, caring and passionate. Some darling young man that can quote medieval literature and massage her feet."

I chuckle and straighten the crumpled sleeve of her sundress over her tanned shoulder, grateful for the moments of intimacy we share that keep me from being alone. "Why would she want to hear old literature?"

"Because it's not law. It's not work, but it's not a waste of time like a fashion magazine or the evening news." Alex squirms into a better position, giving me a half-smile of frustration and amusement. "Give her a chance to just be the woman, not the lawyer behind the desk. Just Olivia, not Counselor Blake. She'll melt."

I kiss her cheek, blushing as soon as I pull away. The unspoken desire has always been between us, but we've avoided talking about it so far. She just smiles at me with the same sad smile. "You've an awful lot to offer any woman, but especially a woman like Olivia."

January 1997

"We can run away together, just you and I enough treasure in that briefcase to take you to the moon and back if you want to go." Elaine's eyes light with passion and I wonder if it's me or the treasure she's passionate about. "What do you say?"

I keep silent as I reach for my pants. Running away is the final solution, a step I'm not sure if I'm ready to take. My silence does nothing to deter her, and she goes for the kill. "Olivia doesn't love you. She hasn't loved you in years."

"But I have a life here." It's a weak excuse for a life, but it's mine. "Two children."

"Caitlin's nearly grown up and she's always been her mother's daughter." Elaine knows she's right, the thrill of victory is in her eyes. "Sean's in boarding school. You never see him anyway."

She runs a hand through my hair, the way Olivia used to when we lay in bed together on lazy Sunday mornings. "You always tell me how happy I make you. Let me do that all the time, let me remind you want it is to be loved by someone with a heart." She runs a hand over my cheek, and there's truth in her eyes. Whatever Elaine has been to me before, there's a desperate honesty to her now.

"Aren't you tired of going to bed alone and wondering when, or even if she's going to come home to you? She lowers her head to my shoulder and sighs in empathy. "Isn't twenty years enough? Olivia got what she wanted out of you when you gave her kept her from being a single woman in a world of married men. It's the nineties, being divorced is all the rage, she'll adapt."

I drop my hands to my lap and wonder where the lines of age came from. "It'll probably be a week before she even notices I'm gone."

Elaine kisses me and there's a desperation in her lips. That need to be with someone, anyone who keeps you from feeling alone. We'll be alone together, but we'd be together. Soul-mates in our grief over lost loves and disappointment about our children. Is that what I want?

I don't get a chance to decide. There's a knock on the door of the hotel room. The knock is meaningless, but the voice- the voice makes my heart jump into my throat.

"Elaine are you ready yet?" It's Olivia's voice. The tone I'd know anywhere, the light in a crowded room- Olivia who's looking for Elaine.

"How did she?" I whisper in a panic as I scoop up my clothes and dive towards the closet.

Elaine grabs my arm and kisses me again, hard enough to bruise my lips against her teeth. "Say you'll come with me or I'll open that door right now."

She raises her voice and calls towards the door. "Just a moment Livie."

She turns back to me with her ultimatum. "What's it going to be?"

I nod, desperate to do anything that will keep her from opening that door. "I'll be ready tomorrow. We'll leave then."

I shut myself in the closet and start putting on my clothes. I'm not really doing this am I? I listen to their conversation fade away down the hallway and try to imagine never hearing Olivia's voice again. I waited twenty-five years to meet her, I spent half of my life with her. How can I throw that away now? Maybe this is the next phase, the post-Olivia reconstruction of my life.

I button up my shirt and escape from the hotel room, dignity intact for now. Olivia will know. No matter what I tell Elaine she'll know the moment I'm gone. I flee across to the parking lot and wait for my heart to stop racing as I sit behind the wheel of my Mercedes. I don't want to have to wait for her to find out from someone else. I want to see the look on her face when she finds out I've been sleeping with her best friend. I need to see that anger in her eyes when she knows I've been intimate with her most trusted friend. Not that Olivia trusts any of her friends. Sometimes I wonder if she trusts anyone at all.

The anger was the reason the affair began. Elaine makes wonder what Olivia would do if she knew. Many affairs represent affection, but my tryst with Elaine represents fury. Perhaps fury is the only emotion left between Olivia and I. Even as I contemplate that thought, I realize that fury results from love. Fury represents the embers of emotion, love that refused to burn out even when the fuel was gone.

I pull my car into the driveway but as I reach to turn off the ignition, I know JohnI can't leave Olivia. I'll never be able to leave her. She means too much. I love her and I hate her but I'll never be able to leave her. She's been part of my life too long. She's been my life, she's still my life and she'll always be.

Olivia is the sole proprietor of my heart. The one person I couldn't help choosing to love, the person I fell into love with head-over-heels. She took all of me without asking to have it.

What scares me most is that she'll never want me again. That I'll spend the rest of my dark, dismal little life unable to go and unable to live in the prison we've created. Death is preferable but even that holds more value than the rest of my miserable time on this earth.

I pull out of the driveway and turn back towards the hotel. Even my misery has to be spent with Olivia.


	4. journey

**February 1975**

My car won't start. I turn the key again and pray the old Ford will spring to life. Nothing. Not even the steady 'ding ding ding' of the idiot warning that tells me the keys are still in the ignition. I glance down at my watch. Thirty-seven minutes past midnight. No one in their right mind is still in the library that closed a few hours ago. Except- there was the bashful young man who reminded me it was so late. He must work here because he was tidying things up when he found me in my cubicle upstairs. I look around the parking lot for another car and sigh. He must walk.

What a way to start the week. It's only Monday and I'm already looking down a dark road until the weekend and the damn weekend only gets darker. AJ's wedding is this weekend. If he wasn't marrying my best friend I could blow it off, spend the time doing laundry, or finally getting my apartment in some semblance of order. I knock on the closed door to the library, praying that librarian is still here.

After a moment he appears in the doorway, looking quizzically at me with shockingly deep brown eyes.

"Can I help you?" He asks softly, sounding nervous until he clears his throat.

"I hope so." I begin as I look back towards my car. "I can't get my car to start. Must have left my lights on when I arrived, I was hoping you could jump me-"

He chuckles, a warm playful sound that brings life into his features. "As tempting as that offer is, I'm sorry." His eyes twinkle in merriment and his amusement trumps his shyness. "I don't have a car."

"Damn." I toss my hair back over my shoulders and sigh. "Do you have a phone?"

He smiles at me a moment longer than courtesy allows. Shaking himself out of wherever he's gone, the librarian nods and ushers me back into the library. "Sure, right over here." He sits on the desk next to me, twirling his keys lazily in one hand as I dial.

I let the phone ring eight times at Del's before I remember he's out of town this weekend. There's no answer at Elaine's. She must be sleeping over at AJ's tonight and I'll sleep in the library before I call there. After Elaine I'm stumped. Del's little sister has a car, but I don't dare call her. We're barely on speaking terms. I set the phone down and he gives me the same quizical expression.

"Only two friends?" He asks gently. "Or your boyfriend has two numbers."

"I don't know if you read the society pages, but my boyfriend is marrying someone else on Saturday." The bitterness in my tone is entirely lost on me. "My best friend actually. So yes, that narrows down my acquaintances a little."

He brushes off my sarcasm with another shy smile. It's really a sweet personality trait of his. "I'd offer you a lift home, but we've already covered my lack of a car. Can I walk you home?"

"It's a bit of a walk from here." I fold my arms across my chest and try to think of something to do.

"You don't live nearby?" He wonders as he shuts off the lights and leads me towards the door.

"No." I reply with a tiny smile of my own. AJ didn't even know where I lived, but it's strangely easy to admit it to this stranger. "I have a flat by the trains. It's a bit loud, but."

"You're barely there anyway." He finishes for me as he locks the door to the library behind us. He stops at the sidewalk and holds out his hands in a gesture of confusion. "Where to mademoiselle? Perhaps a hotel?"

Tossing my bag over my shoulder I sigh in frustration. "If I stay in a hotel tonight I won't be able to eat for a week. Just point me towards the railroad yard and I'll be fine."

"It's over eight miles." He reminds me with a concerned look at my feet. "You're going to walk it at night in those shoes?"

He might have a point about my heels. They're certainly not suited for this kind of hike. "Have any better ideas?"

Pausing a moment, he clears his throat nervously and points down the road. "I know we haven't even introduced ourselves, but I happen to have a car at my apartment. If you don't mind a bit of a walk we might be able to get yours going again."

"You don't have to do that for me." Shaking my head I start to protest. "You've already done your good deed by letting my use the phone. You don't even know me."

He grins and starts to walk down the street as he quotes a brief biography of me. "Olivia Blake, third year law student, first in your class at Stanford, currently the favored recruit for Massey-Greysolon."

I grab his arm and stop him, completely thrown aback that he could know so much about me. "How?" I wonder dumbstruck.

Extending his hand as he turns towards me, the handsome young stranger introduces himself. "Gregory Richards, only son and greatest disappointment of Congressman Samuel Richards and the esteemed Mrs. Caroline Richards."

That explains why his eyes are so familiar. "I've met your father. He's at all of Massey's luncheons."

"I apologize if he's said or done anything boorish." He holds my hand firmly, but reverently, like a precious artifact. "But I'm afraid everything he's said about me is true. I am a bookish loser who will never amount to more than I a history professor. A waste of his name and reputation." He laughs but there's pain behind it.

"Your manners certainly aren't a waste." The complement sends a flush across his strong cheekbones. "I can't think of many favorite sons who would walk a woman all the way back to their apartment just to try to fix her car. That may not even start anyway."

"It is said that most of life is to be had in the journey." He offers me his arm and I surprise myself by taking it. "Even if that journey is just back to my apartment. There's a world to be explored in those steps."

He smells subtly like expensive aftershave and the cloth of his shirt is soft against my hand. "You don't mind sharing that world?"

"No." He, Gregory, smiles up at the stars and turns to me with the look of a man walking through a beautiful dream. "Not with you Miss Blake."

I readjust my bag and he stops and takes it from me, slinging it over his shoulder and giving me his arm again. It's heavy and I'm glad to be rid of it. "You can call me Olivia."

"It might have to be Miss Blake for the time being." Gregory replies easily with a sheepish smile. "Olivia's too beautiful to profane with my lips."

"My last name isn't beautiful?" I tease playfully but he pauses and gives it a serious moment of thought.

"It's Irish but of English origin. Simple, and not really befitting of someone like you." He speaks with quiet authority. It's nice to have someone talk to me in an educated way without speaking down to me like one of my professors. "Means black, your hair is nearly appropriate, but it's not the first thing that comes to mind when I look at you."

"What's the first thing?" I wonder but he dodges the question with ease.

"Olivia is latin, derived from the olive tree and commonly means peace." He studies my face without losing a step. "Something I hope you find."

It's as if he can see right through me and a shiver runs down my spine. "What does Gregory mean?"

"Watchful or vigilant." He wrinkles his nose in distaste. "It's Greek in origin, though my parents have no connection with Greece."

"It's certainly lucky for me that you are." The warmth in my tone earns another blush.

"My pleasure Miss Blake." He pats my hand and the same shiver runs up my arm and tingles my shoulder. "My pleasure."

* * *

**January 1997**

He's home late. Not uncommon in and of itself and I know what it feels like to not want to come home. What's odd is that Rose says he's working late at the radio station, but the radio station hasn't seen my husband since this afternoon. I should have seen this coming. It's been nearly a year since our last explosion over our respective affairs. He knows I'm more possessive. Gregory knows every affair of his cuts straight into my heart and he does it anyway.

My affairs are cheap, recreational and usually no more than a one night stand. Gregory's are a search for love. Affection that he doesn't want from me anymore. Rose is just trying to rationalize his story when he comes home. He flops on to the couch, avoiding my eyes because he knows he's been caught. "Checking up on me darling?"

"I didn't know a wife calling her husband at work counted as checking up." I reply grimly as I steel myself for another fight. "Where were you?"

"Out." He replies simply. "I got done with work and drove around. I needed some time to think."

I turn on him, ready to tear him apart until he tells me everything about that damn whore but the phone rings. Gregory gets up to pour himself a drink and I answer it.

As I hang up the phone the world starts to crumble. "Elaine's been shot."

He nearly drops his glass in shock. "She's dead? My God-"

I grab for my purse and car keys. "She's been shot. They're taking her to the medical center." As I head for the door he runs after me. It's illogical but I feel better as he buckles into the car next to me. I'd rather have him at my side, even if he is sneaking around behind my back.

He kissed her. Gregory leaned down over her dead lips and kissed her. I've been walking all night. Wandering the streets we used to walk together and trying to figure out where we got lost. How we went wrong. I walk up the stairs to our bedroom in a daze. Some tramp, his secretary, the coffee girl at the radio station- that I could understand. Elaine was my friend.

The shower's running as I enter our bedroom. The room we loved in once. The bed hasn't been slept in so he must have been up all night as well. I jiggle the knob to the bathroom. It's unlocked. Without thinking I barge into the bathroom. There's a cloud of steam around our marble in-floor shower and within it is my naked husband. He leans against the wall with one hand and the other brushes across his face.

The gesture is unmistakable. He's wiping tears away. Gregory's mourning his slut. I crash into him, hitting his chest with my fist as I shove him back into the wall of the shower. "Bastard!" I spit the word into his chest. "When's the last time you cried for me?"

He puts up his hands weakly refusing to defend himself as the water cascades down onto both of us. It soaks through into my clothing but I don't even feel it. All I feel is his flesh beneath my hands.

"Stop." He whispers softly. "Olivia you don't understand."

I slap my hand across his face, bloodying the lips that kissed hers. "What's there to understand?" He lets me keep hitting him, sinking down against the wall without raising a hand to defend himself.

I fall to my knees in front of him, feeling the hard marble shoot pain up through my legs. "You kissed her. You said-" I wasn't going to cry. All my anger was supposed to keep me from crying. I force myself to concentrate on the stupid expression on his face. "You said you loved her. How often do you kiss cold, dead lips and whisper how much you love her?"

He spits blood into the bottom of the shower. "No one is colder than you Olivia." He rests his hands on my shoulders without any pressure but when I strike his chest again he grabs my lapels. Gregory pulls my face within a breath of his. "I haven't been this close to you in years."

Even infuriated, disgusted and soaking wet I can't ignore the way the heat of my anger is rushing down between my legs. He rips off my jacket, shoving it down off my hands as I grab his neck.

"Shut up." I pull him to my lips, tasting his blood as his hands dig into my back. He runs his hands down and across to the front of my pants. I force my tongue into his mouth, but as soon as we taste each other we succumb to our addiction.

He tears my pants open, flipping me down to the floor of the shower. My upper back catches on the edge of the shower and the sudden flash of pain makes me realize there will be a mark but I don't care. I want him. My body's barely ready but I pull him inside. Gregory splits the front of my blouse, flinging buttons off as the wet fabric gives way.

He grabs both of my breasts and squeezes them hard against the bones of my chest. I groan and wrap my arms tightly around his back as I open my legs to let him in deeper. The water splashes off his back and the steam rolls around my head. He thrusts, driving in towards the emptiness inside me. I dig my nails into the back of his neck, spurring him on. He curls over me, lowering his head on my shoulder. Before I close my eyes all I see is the circle of water pouring down from the shower head.

With my eyes closed I crush him against me. Gregory moves faster and I start to orgasm so quickly it hurts. I tighten around him in agonizing pain, arching into him as he keeps moving within me. I force his name out of my cry of pleasure, making it a guttural scream. He's panting as he reaches his own climax. He shudders above me, but he whispers something that could do more damage than any affair ever could.

"You're the best Liv."


	5. left

February 1975

"She's a b#tch. Grade A, primo, ice queen bi#tch." Bette explains with a shudder. "Say no. Say you have rabies and you can't be allowed out in public." She grabs my arm to prevent me from putting on my cufflinks. "You studied history, say you have some historic disease, like that plague, and you just can't go."

Laughing, I hand her my cufflinks and hold out my wrist. "I'm sorry Miss Blake, I've contracted the bubonic plague and I simply cannot escort you the Deschanel wedding."

Bette snaps on my cufflinks with a snort. "That's much too polite. She's evil and evil has to be dealt with accordingly."

"I'm sure she's not evil." Far from it, our one conversation as we walked back to my apartment was the most amazing conversation of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, witty and surprisingly down-to-earth. The chance to escort her to the Deschanel wedding is the chance of a lifetime. Not that I'll be admitting that to Bette.

Scoffing as she finishes my other set of cufflinks, Bette gets up to fix my bow tie. "You're too patient. You'll be wishing that you had listened to me once she sucks your soul out through your ears."

"Maybe I'll just cover my ears." I offer with a shrug that only serves to infuriate her more.

"She's my brother's best friend. My brother is the spawn of Satan himself, and he loves her. Raves about her, thinks she's the pinnacle of womanhood."

I fix a curl of blonde hair sliding out of her elaborate updo and straighten her heavy gold necklace around her neck. "I've spent twenty-five years with my father. I think I can survive one evening with Olivia Blake."

She kisses my cheek, aware of just how much pain hides behind my patient smile. "I suppose if anyone can handle the horror of her, it's you."

I grab her black beaded shawl from my bed and tuck it around her shoulders. She's in pink satin tonight and few women can make it look as bright as she can. "I remember that vote of confidence."

"Come on Greggie, Jeffrey's probably thinking you've stolen me away." She takes my arm and plasters that smile on her face. The same one Alex had when we returned to her bungalow. The smile of a woman trapped. If I do one thing right in my life, let me never make a woman feel that way. The unappreciated adornment for my arm at a party, and the mother of my children, but somehow less important than my watch or my car.

Alex and John will be at the party, and I'll have to find the time to dance with her. John never dances with her. Now that she's carrying his son, she has no purpose in life other than bringing that baby into the world. He seems to have entirely lost interest in her brilliant smile, or the way she can tell a story that lights up a room.

Even Bette suffers the disdain of the man who professed to "love her more than there were grains of sand on the beach" when he proposed. Now his only comment to her is that she's late, and couldn't she have worn the pearl earrings instead? She says nothing, burying the fire that filled our conversation a moment ago. It seems this marriage to is bound for divorce court. I hate myself for thinking it as we part ways and I walk to my car.

I never appreciated the old Jaguar. It's another one of my father's attempts to make me into something I'm not. I hated the throaty purr of the engine because it seemed to ostentatious. But she loved it. Olivia dove under the hood in search of the battery with such enthusiasm. She caressed the leather-bound wheel like a hungry lover and gave me the most envious smile when I confessed that my father bought it off the showroom floor seven years ago and gave it to me when he grew bored with it.

She said she didn't see how anyone could ever get bored with something so beautiful. Olivia didn't understand when I sighed softly and agreed We were back at the library by then and our conversation turned to the more mundane hoping that her car would start. Which, unfortunately started on the first try. I didn't have the guts to ask for her number, or even ask to see her again.

But she took the initiative for me it seems by demanding Del get Bette to twist my arm into being her escort to the Deschanel wedding. Can't really be fun to have to go to the wedding of the man who refused to marry her and turned around and proposed to her best friend. Not that Olivia Blake would ever let that get her down. She's too conscious of her reputation and I can bet she'll be first in line to congratulate Elaine and AJ.

It took a lot of convincing to get her to allow me to pick her up at her apartment. I've been dying to see the flat that she's so ashamed of. Trading an offer of coffee and the homemade cookies my grandmother taught me to make as a little boy back at my place once she gets bored with the reception was just embarrassing enough to get her to give in.

Olivia's waiting on the front steps. Her building was once an attractive brownstone with turn of the century accents, but now it's crumbling. The wrought iron rail on the porch that her gorgeous hand is resting on is crooked. I shut off the engine and hurry to her door. Instead of opening it as she expects I lean up against it and take her in. It's a winter wedding, but she stayed away from black. Instead she wore deep blue, the kind of dark shade that brings out her eyes and the delicate ivory of her skin.

Her hair's up like Bette's but it makes Olivia look elegant and sad. Her smile lights up her face when she waves to me. Her dress left her arms bare, except for a bracelet on her left wrist. She has a slim silver chain around her neck, but it's too simple for her dress. It's the kind of mistake someone who wasn't born to society would make, and unfortunately if it's obvious to me, it'll be obvious to the vultures at the party.

"You're a vision of loveliness Miss Blake." I explain as I make her turn around to show me the whole ensemble. The dress has a deep vee covered with delicate embroidery that draws all attention to the perfect curve of her lower back. It's a good choice for her slim frame because it pulls attention away from her small breasts.. The jewelry's not enough and her hair is too severe.

She tilts her head and smirks. "I'm a vision, but-"

"Permission to be entirely candid with you?" I move from the door and open it for her.

Olivia nods to me as she pulls her feet inside the Jaguar. "Always."

"Armando James Deschanel Jr. is a stuck-up stupid little boy and has been since we went to primary school together." My expression of distaste makes her smile. "We've always been rivals, especially since I beat him in the fourth grade forensics competition." I straighten her dress, making sure that the train is out of the way before I shut the door.

"Is this your way of opening the door for me to vent about how much I despise my ex?" She replies with that attorney's smirk that will serve her so well in court some day.

I shut my door and turn to her across the console. "This is my way of making sure you make the kind of impression that will move you to the head of the list of spurned women everywhere."

I love it when she laughs. Olivia pulls her seatbelt down across her lap. "I over did the hair, didn't I?"

"You've done it better." I reply without realizing how much I'm giving away in that simple statement.

Olivia pulls a clip off the back of her head, letting her hair cascade down her shoulders. "You keep track of the way I do my hair?" She shakes it out with one hand as she watches me put the Jaguar into gear.

"I'm a historian. Even the tiniest little nuance may become important sometime in the future." The dodge works for now, and she changes the subject as I turn down the freeway out of town.

"The Deschanel ballroom's not this way." Olivia points out but makes no effort to dissuade my course.

"Nope, just outside of town is a lovely seaside estate called Harrigan's Shoal where Mrs. Meredith Harrigan lives with her husband, shipping mogul Edward Harrigan the third, the precocious toddler Emily, and chubby baby Claire." My proud smile makes her realizes how much I love those little girls. "My nieces. Edward's off in Europe, but Meredith is always happy to dispense fashion advice."

"And she's your sister?" She wonders with surprise and a touch of admiration. "Meredith Harrigan is the most sought after fundraiser on the West Coast. The woman could charm honey from a stone."

"The charm is my father's something that comes from being born a Richards, but the good heart is my mother's. You'll like Meredith."

Olivia bites her lip and sighs as she flushes slightly. "I'm afraid we met."

"How'd you meet?" My sister's infamously good-natured. Olivia must have might quite an impression to look so concerned.

"AJ took me to one of her fundraisers, his mother wanted the Deschanel's to look good for the papers." She takes a moment but then she decides to trust me. "And we had a fight. A huge fight that ended in AJ spilling his drink all over her beautiful, hand-dyed silk gown."

I can't help chuckling at her mortified expression. "That would make you the 'sweet, apologetic girlfriend who was stuck with the Deschanel brat' whenever Meredith tells that story."

"Oh you're kidding." Further embarrassment only sends a flush across her cheeks.

"All right-" I sigh, turning the headlights on as the sun sets. "She said naive instead of sweet, but I find sweet more fitting."

Olivia shakes her head, smiling a half-smile that twists the corner of her mouth up deviously. "No one has ever called me sweet."

The car swings around the curve of the road, hugging the pavement as the engine picks up. "I bet you were a sweet little girl, all smiles and curls, until you turned three and started reading law books."

"I was four." Olivia corrects with a lightness in her tone that doesn't get into her eyes. "My da- my father, worked in as a night watchman in a legal office. He used to bring me with and read me stories. Sometimes he was too busy. I remember looking through the books on the wall when I was a little girl and wondering why there weren't any pictures."

"So you were just stubborn enough to teach yourself to read, weren't you?" I watch the trees replace the houses as we leave town towards my sister's house. "I'll bet your daddy was surprised."

Her mouth twitches and I can't help wondering if how much it hurt that night watchman father to realize his little girl taught herself how to read legal books late at night. "When he found out, he was sad. I never really knew why." She plays with the fabric of her skirt nervously and my heart goes out to her. I know exactly what it's like to see that kind of disappointment on my father's face.

"It has to be tough for a father to realize his little girl's become that independent." I tentatively move my hand towards her, offering my support, I don't expect her to take it. Surprising me, Olivia takes my hand into her lap and squeezes it.

"A lot of things were tough on my father." She returns softly as she watches the trees out the window. "What about your parents? What was it like growing up on the Richards estate?"

I change the subject, sensing she'd rather hear about anything in my life than keep talking about the poor night watchman who had to bring his little girl with him to work. "My parents were the photographs on the front of the newspaper, my nanny and my tutor raised me. "

"I'm sorry-"

I wave off her sympathy and can't help being thrilled that she still has my hand in her lap. "It wasn't bad. I had my sisters, yacht trips in the summer, ski vacations, polo and tennis lessons." I spare a glance from the road and wink at her. "It's amazing I had any time to grow up at all, my life was so scheduled."

I pull up next to the garage and take my hand back from her to park. Meredith's dogs run out from under the sprawling white porch to bark at the car and I get out quickly to chase them off before Olivia gets out. She gives me an apprehensive smile as I lead her through the pack of Irish Setters. We're halfway up the steps when she starts sneezing.

"I'm sorry, I've always been terribly allergic-" She sneezes again and I hand her my handkerchief. "To anything furry." The train of her dress catches on the porch and she stumbles. I reach out to catch her and she falls into my arms.

Olivia takes hold of me, gratefully squeezing her fingers tight into my shoulders. She tilts up her chin to look into my face and we're so close that I can count the lashes around her eyes. She climbs up on tiptoes and wraps her arms around the back of my neck. "You caught me."

"I was afraid you'd die of sneezing if you fell down among the dogs."

She doesn't answer, she just looks at my face, staring through me. "I'm not used to people trying to protect me."

The porch lights flash on around us and the dogs run barking into the house around my sister's feet. "You two just going to stand there all night?" Meredith looks us over and grins wickedly. "Although, I can't really blame you for trying to land my devilishly handsome little brother."

I make sure Olivia's got her footing before I hurry to hug my sister. "Mere- this is Olivia Blake, the woman AJ Deschanel was insane enough to let slip by."

"Well, anyone who has a problem with the Deschanels is welcome in my house, come on in sweethearts, I'm sure we can find something that'll make AJ green."

January 1997

"I leave everything to the one man who always treated me like a lady, Gregory Richards."

Elaine's video will cuts off and chaos erupts around me. In the moment before Cole attacks me, I meet Olivia's eyes, and there's that betrayal. The cold fury I was searching for when I went to Elaine's bed, but there's no surprise in those icy blue eyes. No shock. She knew.

"You bastard, you killed her!" Cole lunges towards me, but Ricardo holds him back. The detective looks me over and I can tell I've suddenly moved to the top of his suspect list. Not that I care. Though Elaine's death benefits me, more than anyone else it seems, I certainly was not the immediate cause of it. The angry faces around me are nearly amusing. Caitlin's distraught, Olivia's livid, but she's hiding it well beneath that protective veneer of hers. Sean doesn't seem surprised at all.

"He killed her for the money. He must have known about the will, they were having an affair for godsakes!" Cole's fist hisses past my ear and Olivia insinuates herself between us. She holds up a hand as I start to defend myself.

"I certainly didn't need her money." I shrug as I pour myself a glass of water.

Olivia clears the room, banishing the detective and Cole. Bette comes over and pats my shoulder in a show of support. "Don't you worry Greggie, I'm sure Olivia will never let you go down for murder."

I kiss her cheek and grin at Bette even though Olivia's looking daggers at me. "I'm sure she wouldn't, thank you Bette."

Olivia's too upset to even talk to me and she disappears into the study. Sean gets a glass of water, but doesn't bother to drink it. "Don't worry dad, I'll protect you."

"Why would I need protecting?" I wonder as I try to figure out what Sean's getting at behind his far too serious expression.

He drops his voice to a whisper. "You were there. I saw you in the hotel, the night Elaine was killed."

I touch his shoulder, trying to think of a way to remind him that I'll love him regardless. "But I didn't kill her."

He pulls away again, suddenly stiff. "I know. Just in case."

It's taken her a week to put her argument together. Olivia's irate as she enters the room and I can't help wondering if she overhead Sean asking me why I don't leave. Olivia will never understand why I can't leave. Sean can't understand, he's never been in love.

"It hasn't always been this way." I promise Sean as I rest my hand on his shoulder. "Your mother was a truly wonderful woman once."

Sean doesn't believe me and Olivia's standing nearby, just behind him, arms crossed in disgust. "What happened?" He asks and I sigh and stare down at my glass. Today the liquor tastes good and I finish the glass before I meet Olivia's icy stare.

"I still wonder."

Sean can feel the tension in the room and he chooses wisely to disappear. He's barely out the door when Olivia gets up. She walks over to me, saying nothing as she looks me over with the expression of someone appraising manure. Then she walks away. Just walks away.

I shouldn't say it, normally I wouldn't, but I just want Olivia to feel as awful as I do. "Where are you going? Off to one of your cheap little boyfriends?

She whirls back on me, burning into me with her disgusted glare. She's playing the good little stoic tonight, and between the liquor and the way she treated Sean, I'm ready to be rid of her. "It's all right for you to have as many affairs as you want, but God forbid I even look at another woman."

The exaggeration gets her. "You did a lot more than look darling." the hiss in her voice. That angry growl that reminds me of a panther about to strike.

I take another foolish step closer to her. She seems so much more dangerous when she's angry. Olivia's cornered and wounded and I'm asking to be ripped to shreds, but I don't care. I just want to see the pain in her eyes. "What is it that bothers you? The fact that she was your best friend or that fact that we did it right here-"

Her eyes are could cut glass and finally I feel validated. She may want to kill me, but murder can be an act of passion. It will be tonight. In a terrible flash of insight I picture myself lying strangled on the floor of the living room. That fine line between love and hate blurs when I look into her chiseled face.

"in this house. On that sofa- on that rug-" I can't help smiling. "In your bed."

Snapping like a great tree in a hurricane, Olivia's control shatters. She grabs my jacket, pulling me down to her level and tightened my collar viciously around my neck. She holds me there with rage-forged strength. For the first time since I taunted her I start to realize that this may be it. The moment our relationship finally crosses that last line into physical abuse. I shove her slightly, squirming to get away, but there's iron in her small hands.

She wraps a hand around my neck, pulling my head down as she rises to her toes. Olivia crushes our mouths together, invading my own with her tongue. I struggle to push her back, but I don't want to hurt her. She's too angry. Too inflamed with her resolve. I finally break the kiss as I struggle for breath.

Beneath the hatred is something primal, the only emotion we have left between us is born from need. We need the desperate embrace of each other's arms because for a few moments, we can trick ourselves, lure ourselves into a false sense of security. We can remember when we lay together out of love instead of rage.

Breathing hard we continue to stare at each other. I remember crushing her body to mine on the floor of the shower and suddenly I know why she kissed me. Her body, her glorious body is only beneath a few flimsy layers of clothing and I want her. I want to lose myself within her and try to remember a time when I didn't thrive on pain. When love was the driving force of my life, not the afterthought in a romantic film. I loved her once, and even now as I watch her lip tremble with fury, I know I love her still.

Love burns up through me, hot and painful in it's wanting, and I attack her. I rip the suit jacket from her shoulders and crush our lips together again. I can taste the hint of blood from her bruised lips but it only spurs me on. I don't cares if she hates me. Right now she's here, her tongue is hot and responsive. Maybe letting her knock my down to the sofa will let me forget how empty I am when I look at her. For this moment she wants me and I can't admit how much that means to me. Just kissing her is enough to push me into a fever.

Olivia shoves me down to the sofa, slamming me down hard. She gives me just enough time to get my pants as she undoes the top few buttons of her blouse before dropping down on top of me. Sick of the time it is taking she rips open the rest, exposing the white satin of her bra and the creamy ivory of her skin. Pulling her pants aside, she impales herself on me. I groan in surprise, feeling the heat of her close tight around me. Olivia leans down over me, crushing her breasts to me as I reach up to undo her bra. It falls away, probably broken as she thrusts it aside. She grinds against me, lowering her head over my shoulder.

Wrapping my arms across her bare back, I hold her close. She rocks her hips against me, driving hard towards her release. Her hands dig into my shoulders, giving her leverage. Twice in the same month is a bit of a change after our years of ignoring each other. The thought that things may be really changing between us floats through my mind.

Olivia bites into my shoulder, teeth sinking through the fabric as she swallows a scream. She won't be giving me that satisfaction, but I am allowed to crush her breasts. She drags my hands, insisting I pull her closer, grab her harder. She rocks faster, glorifying in the heat. As her face passes mine, I wonder if I'm hurting her. There's pain in her eyes, but Olivia seems to feed on it. She closes down over my mouth with her lips, stealing my breath away. Does she feed on that too?

Olivia arrives, tightening viciously around me as she bites down on her lip. She's so quiet and I can't help crying out in shock and pleasure. For a stifled moment we lie there together. Our lust and our rage is sated, at least for now, there's nothing between but the echo of slowing heartbeats. In that silence I'm reminded of the good days. The way Olivia used to look at me as if I were all she wanted in the world. The tears sting my eyes, but she's already looking away.

She pulls away, lifting her clothes from the floor. Olivia pulls on her shirt, and closes it over the red marks left on her skin by my hands. Her breasts disappear behind the white linen, and even though I turn to smile at her, I know the moment is already over. She's walking away without a word. We may as well have just talked about the weather for the last few minutes. Every time I think I've hardened, adapted to her and the agony she can inflict, she finds new depths. New ways to render me empty, new wounds to leave bleeding across old scars.

And I let her.John


	6. shaking

February 1975

It's only been three minutes since the service was supposed to start and everyone's starting to get restless. Gregory touches my hand, reminding me to be patient as he turns to whisper to the woman on his right. Alex laughs behind her hand and nods to whatever he said to her. She reaches around him and squeezes my hand, smiling effortlessly in the way that always makes me nervous.

Gregory only introduced us when we arrived, but already she can giggle and smile at me like we've known each other for years. It's disconcerting, nearly as disconcerting as the kindness of Gregory's sister. I'm wearing a few hundred thousand dollars of her pearls, and she spent half-an-hour redoing my hair while Gregory romped in the other room with his nieces.

I've never met a man who looked thrilled as two children dragged him to the floor and made him play endless rounds of baby games. As the assembled crowd waits for the Deschanel wedding to begin, they give up on silence and start chatting amongst themselves as everyone gets impatient. Alex and Gregory joke about how much time it took them to find a dress that fit the bulge of her pregnant belly to her liking. The baby's due in just a month.

"Four more weeks of hell." Alex corrects Gregory with that impish smile that makes me feel like I'm the most serious woman on the planet.

"You'll be fine." He promises as he makes room in the pew for Alex's late-comer husband.

"Didn't miss anything Johnny, AJ and Elaine must be building our anticipation." She leans up to peck his cheek, but he just straightens his suit and looks frustrated.

"I should have known a that a Deschanel would make everyone wait. Probably learned that from his mother." John Mitchum complains under his breath as he sits down on the other side of Alex. "Always knew there were two kinds of important people in this town, Deschanels and everyone else."

Alex stands up with a softly apologetic smile. "I'll be right back." Gregory and I both have to stand up to let her get by.

He leans over and whispers in explanation. "Bathroom. Every twenty minutes of so."

Alex heads towards the back of the church, shoes clicking on the hard marble floor as she goes. Her husband just settles back with another sigh. I can't help wondering what it says about her marriage that Gregory seems to care more about the upcoming baby than the father. Both men start to talk about business. John's in import-export and it seems to fit well with the Richards communications holdings.

I did a little research at the library. It started with newspapers and telegraph lines and two Richards brothers a long time ago. The radio stations Gregory mentions were bought by his grandfather after World War Two. The newer television stations were picked up by his father, Patrick, before he turned to politics. Now the entire company rests on it's laurels, keeping Patrick's election coffers full, Caroline's banquets the talk of the town, and little Patricia comfortably ensconced in Paris and Milan. Meredith's wedding to her husband with the shipping company united the Richards and Harrigan families, American wealth from the Carnegie era united with old European charm and titles. Gregory's probably expected to make an equal match. Some princess of fashion who'll increase the family connections just as much as she'll make him happy.

But Meredith didn't seem unhappy. I muse as the priest announces that there will be a slight delay, the chamber orchestra strikes up a new song and the chatter gains an electric hint of anticipation. Something must be going on, no wedding ends up nearly half an hour behind without a major set-back. Alex returns and sits down at my side, not bothering to climb over Gregory and I this time.

"I'll just have to get up again in a minute anyway." She explains to her husband, who turns immediately back to his conversation with some big shot in the construction company. "Maybe Elaine got lucky and went into labor." Alex teases and Gregory starts to chuckle.

"I don't know if a lot of women would consider going into labor on their wedding day lucky." They take hands, resting them on my lap as they share their joke.

"But at least after that she'd have her own body back, I can't think of a better wedding present than that."

I turn my head to Alex, wondering how I could have missed that sort of news. "When's Elaine due? I didn't even know she was pregnant."

"Just a week after me actually." Alex replies as she sighs and tries to get comfortable in the pew. "So at least I've a little bit of a head start."

I take Gregory's hand from Alex and lock my fingers around his hand. "Why didn't you tell me Elaine was pregnant?"

Gregory looks down at our hands and back up at me with a sheepish apology in his brown eyes. "I didn't want to ruin the wedding for you."

"Ah, because I'd never notice that Elaine needed a maternity dress for her wedding." I snap back at him, harder than I should considering how sweet he's been to me all night.

"Well, I did expect you to bring some sort of legal book along to read during the ceremony. Who knows if you'd bother to look up at all." Gregory fires back, and for some reason it hurts. Usually no one can hurt me.

It's my turn to slip across Alex's knees. "Excuse me." I'm walking too quickly and I have to force myself to slow down as I pass the orchestra. Gregory may just be chivalrous enough to come after me so I hide in the women's bathroom. It's empty, thankfully. I close my eyes to avoid looking at the woman in the mirror. She seems so much more together than I feel. So much more beautiful than I should be.

AJ's been with Elaine for months, maybe a year, maybe longer than that. All the time we were dating Elaine knew and she was sleeping with him behind my back. She was carrying his child, so it's no wonder AJ left me by the wayside. Did he want a child that badly? I thought we were two of a kind. The kind of people who'd rather travel the world than sit up nights with a screaming baby.

Maybe I don't give babies enough credit. I've never wanted one. Even listening to Gregory and Alex talk and joke makes me uneasy. Giving birth to me killed my mother, leaving my father alone to raise a baby daughter on a night watchman's income. If they hadn't wanted me, a screaming red-faced little whelp, my mother would have been able to stay with him. Be there in the end when he cried out for her in his fevered delusions and the final bout of pneumonia that killed him.

He never even noticed I was there. His hazy blue eyes never fixed on me. He never said my name. Did he blame me for taking her away? Maybe he was a father like Alex's husband, barely involved in her pregnancy at all. He always used to say how much I looked like her. How I laugh exactly the way she did. Maybe that's why I always smile instead.

"You're not the first woman, nor the last, that's been used by that playboy." Alex leans against the wall, arms crossed over her belly. "In fact, he made a pass at me last summer at one of Del's beach parties." She starts to giggle and then looks at me, suddenly mortified. "You weren't dating him then, were you?"

I shake my head and force a smile. "No, AJ and I didn't start until the beginning of last semester."

She sighs in exaggerated relief. Gregory must have told her. He must tell her a lot. She settles down on one of the chairs in the entryway to the bathroom. "You'll have to forgive me, my feet get annoyed with me after any period of standing longer than two or three minutes."

I give in, playing nice with Alex will keep Gregory from worrying about me, or thinking he's done irreparable damage to my feelings. "I suppose I should have known better."

She pulls me down into the chair next to her, smiling sympathetically. "That line should be engraved on the inside of every wedding ring." She looks down at her own, and back up at me playfully. "Except mine, mine should say 'property of John Mitchum'."

"He seems-" I start, trying to think of something to say, but she cuts me off, laughing yet again.

"Dull, full of himself and obsessed with power." Alex replies with a wicked glint in her eyes. "But don't worry, I promise not to take offense at how fond you are of my husband."

I smile and wrinkle my eyebrows in surprise. Everything's a joke with her. It's going to take some getting used to. "I still can't believe I never knew Elaine was pregnant. We used to be good friends, we just went shopping a few months ago, and I didn't even notice."

"It's not your job to notice what your friends hide from you." Alex reminds me with a firmness in her tone that makes me relax slightly. "If Elaine was any friend of yours she would have said something the moment you started to date AJ."

I sigh heavily and find myself playing with the expensive pearl and gold bracelet on my wrist. "That's what bothers me the most. Elaine was the only woman I really thought I got along with."

She nods as she reaches up to fix a loose pin in the complicated curls Meredith put into my hair with such ease. "You're a member of the boys club all right, but don't worry, spending a little more time with Gregory should girly you up in no time."

My giggling surprises me, I spend so much time trying to hide it that I nearly forget what it feels like to laugh. "He is rather sweet."

"He's a teddy bear or a kitten or-" She laughs with me as she tries to think. "Pick any sort of small, furry little creature that just wants to sit on your lap and be loved."

"I'm allergic to creatures." I make a dry apology, but I start to blush when I realize how much I like the idea of Gregory sitting on my lap.

"Good thing it's just an analogy then isn't it?" Alex straightens the skirt of her dress, rearranging the green silk around her knees. "In all seriousness future-counselor Blake. If you're ready to dive into the ocean of romance once more, you couldn't ask for a better partner. Gregory's sweet, considerate, warm and loving. And unlike AJ Deschanel, he only needs one woman to make him happy. Since I'm up to here-" She rest a hand on the top of her belly. "With the Mitchum men, I think it might be you."

I can't pull together an appropriate response. That sister of Del's loves him, his sister and his nieces adore him, Alex can't stop taking him up, and AJ hates him. What better resume could I possibly want? "What would someone sweet, considerate and fantastically wealthy want with the-" I get up, pace over to the mirror and stare at the lost little girl all dressed up in pearls and satin. "The ice queen."

Alex was already amused, but now she just can't stop laughing. "The ice queen. That must be a Bettism."

"She's never liked me." And it's never bothered me before. "No one really likes me. I've never had time for girlfriends, Del Douglas is probably my best friend, but he only likes me because I'm as callous and jaded as he is."

"And you're what, twenty-one years old according to your law school records." She winks at my surprised expression. "I'll give you jaded, but callous is reserved for people at least thirty. Though, I must admit to being a little curious to know how you're nearly done with law school at the same age I was just finishing my undergrad."

I look around the bathroom quickly and drop my voice to a whisper. "I cheated. Faked a high school diploma and tested my way into UCLA. Since I was coming from England and an orphan they didn't have a lot of people to ask the truth. Law school didn't care how old I was, my LSATs were good and I had an Bachelor's degree just after my nineteenth birthday."

"Gregory's right to find you so fascinating." Alex teases with that look that insists she knows all about me. "You are something special esquire."

A voice on the microphone is carried through into the bathroom. Del, showman that he is, has taken over for the priest. "Since this little wedding don't seem to be happenin' I hope y'all won't mind me moving you to my house and the beach. After all, we are all dolled up, and it would be a shame to waste the good liquor from the reception."

I help Alex up and she cant stop shaking her head in surprise. "He must have stood her up."

"AJ?" I wonder as we head into the main chamber of the church. "AJ wouldn't-"

Gregory catches my arm and kisses my cheek as soon as he can reach me. "AJ did. Bastard never showed up, his best man went to his hotel room and found all of his stuff gone. Guess he got home from his stag party and hopped on a plane for Europe."

"Oh my god!" Alex exclaims as she wraps her arm around John's. "How absolutely dreadful for Elaine, here I was thinking he was just stuck in traffic, or spilled something on his tuxedo."

"Well, Douglas has the right idea. Would be a shame to waste a good party." John suggests as he leads the four of us towards the doorway. "Shame about AJ though, never thought of him as the type to run."

"Maybe you just didn't know him." Gregory finishes dryly as he takes my hand. "I'd be flattered if you'd still come to the party with me, even if it isn't a reception."

I look to Alex, who winks at me before following her husband out to the parking lot. Could I really make him happy? He's smiling at me right now, not because he wants something like AJ or Del, but because he's happy. "I'd be delighted."

I slip the car out of gear and the beautiful old Jaguar sputters and dies. It's a good trick, Gregory looks at me and believes my shrug. "I guess I broke your car."

He laughs and takes my hand off the stick. "It's a tough old bird, she's probably just out of gas."

"That must be it. You shouldn't have let me talk you into joy riding up the shore after the party at Del's. We should have gotten gas first." I look at him with the best mortified expression I can manage. "Oh darling I'm so sorry."

Gregory brushes his hand across my bare shoulder and sends a tingle down my arm just from the gesture. "What did you call me?"

"Darling," I giggle and feel the flush run hot across my face. "I'm sorry, I guess I shouldn't-"

He melts, just like I thought he would. "I think it's adorable. I've never had a 'pet' name before." Gregory leans closer and I can smell the hint of cologne on his neck.

"So I don't have to stop?" I whisper, feeling the champagne from the party rush to my head as my head dances away with thoughts I shouldn't be having., but I can't help it. He's so sweet and caring and absolutely smitten with me and Gregory has no idea how much of a turn on that is. He's the first man to ever look at me like I'm only woman in the world. I let his jacket slide off of my shoulders to the leather of the driver's seat.

"I don't think I could ever prevent you from doing something you wanted to do." He admits sheepishly, but there's naked admiration in his voice.

I cross my legs in the seat, feeling the tightness between them and wondering if he feels as hot as I do. "AJ tried to."

"AJ's the stupidest man I've ever met." His hand sends fire up my arm as he touches me.

I laugh, falling back into the seat and loving every second of his honesty. "Tell me more about how stupid he is."

"What if I don't want to talk about AJ anymore?" It's a bold statement for the shy historian who took me out as a favor to his best friend.

I trace my hand along his collar, feeling him shiver as my fingers brush his neck. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Tell me more about your case, the nasty one-" Gregory's hand caresses my knee and it makes it incredibly difficult for me to think about anything other than moving his hand farther up my thigh.

"They want to settle." I begin softly, but I start to giggle as he traces a pattern on his neck. "But- darling, settling is for losers." He kisses my neck and that spot explodes in a flash of sensation.

Gregory pauses, waiting for my response and I pull his hand up to my thigh, wishing I could get this damn dress off and feel his touch on my skin. Pulling his hand up farther edges him on and his lips leave hot spots as he moves up towards my chin.

"I believe in fighting, fighting until the bitter end." I finish with a sigh of wanting. He cups my chin, looking into my eyes with the kind of hunger that I've never seen in a man stare at me with. His thumb ventures down, pushing the fabric tight as he teases my inner thigh.

"Has anyone ever told you your eyes go on forever?" Gregory whispers as his other hand finds the bare skin of my back.

I can't talk anymore, and I pull his face to mine, crushing our lips together. We break apart for a moment, looking into each other's eyes as we ask each other how much further we intend to go. He responds by thrusting his tongue into my mouth. He plays the sensitive places of my mouth like a well-tuned instrument. Gregory nibbles my lower lip and I sigh in ecstasy. Every nerve that he's touching is more alive than I've ever been.

I re-cross my legs, trying to ignore how desperately tight it feels now. I want him to touch me, to flip me back on the leather of the back seat and remind me that I am a woman under my lawyer's disguise. Gregory keeps kissing me, playing our lips together and reminding me that few pleasures are as exquisite as someone giving you their undivided attention. He puts his other hand on my knee as his right hand teases the embroidery at the base of my spine.

I groan in pleasure as he starts kissing his way down my neck again. "I can't take much more of this." I hiss as he squeezes my thigh playfully.

"Do you want me to stop?" Gregory reaches down and undoes the delicate strap of my left shoe. He brushes across my breast as he lowers his other hand to my right shoe. As it drops to the floor of the car I shake my head.

"Darling, if you stop now I'll never forgive you." I open the door and sneak around giggling into the back seat. The slam of his door follows a half-second afterwards. I can hear him rustling with his pants as I reach for the clasp on my dress. When I can't get it I rip it, I can always fix it later.

Gregory cups my breasts for just long enough to make me wish he'd rip my clothes off right now before he reaches down my back towards my zipper. The straps of my dress hang loosely off my shoulders and I pull them down to expose the simple strapless black bra beneath it. With him distracted by the sudden baring of skin on my chest, I hurry my fingers down the buttons of his shirt.

His chest is strong and covered in scattering of brown curls. I run my fingers through the hair and bite into his chest just above his left nipple. Gregory retaliates by pushing my dress up to my hips, one hand sliding up my leg to tease me to readiness. He doesn't need to prepare me, I can barely keep myself from reaching down and taking over. As soon as my hands move he senses my distress. Gregory's hand teases the sweet spot just below where my thigh meets my hip on my right leg and I bite back my cry of wanting.

I rip open his trousers, sliding them down to and off his feet as I dive my fingers beneath the waist of his dark red boxers. Gregory undoes the hooks on the back of my bra with a practiced hand and as soon as my breasts are free they're falling into his mouth. He sucks one nipple as his thumb and forefinger abuse the other. My breath comes harder and if he doesn't work his way into me soon I'm going to implode.

He kisses his way across my chest to lick a path around the other nipple before taking it into his mouth as well. My hands find their way beneath his shirt as I pull him closer. I try to tell him I'm ready but he catches me with a finger in just the right place to make me cry out. I get up, shoving my dress down off my hips and pulling him down over me. My feet force his boxers off his slim hips and Gregory looks directly into my soul as he finally dives inside of me.

I moan immediately, surprised by my own lack of control. I pull his mouth to mine and crush his lips to his face as I try to understand the feelings coursing through me. Pure sexual passion I know, but this is different. Gregory's making it different. He pulls out, teasing me with the terrible sensation of emptiness as he arranges my legs in a better position. His deeper now, and I can't control my own breathing.

I bite into his shoulder and ding my hands into the skin of his back. Gregory responds by flicking me back and forth with a hand I'd rather have on my breast. He laughs beneath his moan of pleasure as we move his hands to my breasts. Strong hands squeeze them into my chest and I cry out. Gregory stops, too considerate for his own good.

I writhe beneath him, begging him with my hips to keep moving. Deeper, faster and my sweaty skin starts to stick to the leather of the seat. "Oh God-" I claw back from the edge, wanting to wait, stay in this place as long as I possibly can, but Gregory has other ideas. He pushes me onward, teasing with a gentleness in his tongue I could never manage. I close my eyes but he urges them open. His gaze bores into my soul and it's worse than the pounding of my body. I feel him start to tense up and I let go.

I've never screamed like that before. I've never collapsed shaking around someone and felt like every part of my body has died and I've just been too distracted by his body to notice. Gregory flops down to the seat next to me, breathing just as hard as I am. He pulls me down to his chest, cradling my nude body to his as I study the marks I left on his skin. "Liv-"

My name gets broken as he struggles for breath. "Liv, you're-"

My heart's just not beating. How can it be after what I've seen in his eyes?

"No darling, you are." My legs are shaking too much to move, but somehow pull them up to my chest. "You're-"

"Something new." He finishes as he starts rubbing my arm. A drop of sweat catches in my eyelashes and I flick it aside.

"Worth fighting for." I add softly as I realize I can't see an end. Something's started that I'm not going to be able to control. Something that spirals away from me, unfolding towards forever. When I shiver again and snuggle closer in his arms it's not about the chill of the car.

February 1997

I don't think there's a word that properly describes how much I hate medical centers. Gregory's already a wreck, holding on to my hands like he'll die if he has to let go. When we got the call I felt the cold knot of ice settle into the bottom of my stomach, and it's running through my veins now. Sean's unconscious and no one knows when he's going to wake up. Maybe we're being punished, maybe I'm being punished for walking away from Gregory. If I don't want my husband why do I need my son?

My son, the baby I didn't want. The baby I barely kept because I was so afraid after the miscarriage. The baby I cried myself to sleep over even after Gregory promised he would live. He has such faith. Even now he's rubbing my shoulders and reminding me that it will be all right. "Sean's going to be fine."

Gregory was in the room when he was born. He saw how blue Sean was, how still, how quiet. Gregory held me when I collapsed, sobbing in despair because the baby he promised me would be all right was dead. And he had to be dead, why else would he be so still? It was my fault, it had to be my fault. I had killed two of Gregory's children with my fear of being a mother, my residual terror of an event I could never remember. My own desperate desire to live triumphing over the lives of my children. My mother gave her life for me, why couldn't I do the same thing? Why couldn't I trade my life for my son's?

"Do you remember when he was born? How tiny he was, how fragile?" Gregory reminds me, proving that his memories have taken him to the same place. He doesn't have the guilt. Gregory did everything right. He held me when I was sick, brought me breakfast in bed when I couldn't get up for work. Sat by my side in the hospital and supported me as we went from doctor to doctor in search of one who wouldn't make me leave him out of the delivery room.

He never understood my terror. But how could he? Everything always ends up all right in Gregory's world. He's never watched death come over a person like a cloud blocking out the sun. The closest he ever came was with me in the emergency room. I never had a chance to tell him how much I held on to his voice. He kept talking to me and as long as I heard that I knew I couldn't go. He needed me.

"He's going to be fine." I echo finally. Taking Gregory's words and making them into a mantra as he hugs me. What is it about the way he hugs me that makes me feel safe? I'm the most powerful businesswoman in Sunset Beach and the hot shot lawyer. I shouldn't have to depend on my teacher husband to make me feel better. No one's watching right now, right now I can rest my head on his chest and forget about being lost.

Dr. Chang, who seems too young to be a physician, lets us in to see Sean. Gregory goes right to his side, smiling warmly. "Hey son, how are you feeling?"

"Okay I guess." Sean smiles at his father in a way he never smiles at me.

"What happened?" Watching Gregory take his hand is yet another reminder that he's the good parent. The caring father.

"We were just messing around, and I feel. No big deal."

I turn on him, ice in my stomach boiling into hot anger. "Just messing around? You're in the hospital Sean, I think that counts as a little more than just messing around. What were you doing with those two anyway?"

"Oh Olivia leave him alone. He's in the hospital for God's sake!" Gregory turns on me with surprising strength considering how upset he was a moment ago.

"He seems to be fine, this is just another stunt, yet another way to embarrass his mother." Just like the car he gave away, the beautiful BMW convertible Sean gave up just to prove how little respect he has for me.

"Oh it's always about you isn't it? What you want- your reputation-" Gregory pulls me back from Sean's bed, effectively putting himself between my son and I. "Maybe you should spend a little less time worrying about what other people think about you and a little more time thinking about your family!"

I grab Gregory's jacket and pull him forcibly down to my level. "Everything I do is for this family." My voice comes out as a hiss, and there's honest fear in his eyes. "Everything. Don't you dare doubt that."

Disgusted with both of us I release his jacket and walk away. It isn't until I get out of his sight that I realize I'm shaking. I nearly smile at the irony. I used to like it when Gregory made me weak in the knees.


	7. weeds

_(some adult content)_

**March 1974**

"I'm not taking your money and that's the end of it." Olivia sinks into her stool at the end of my counter and sighs heavily. "Can't we talk about something other than my finances for awhile?" She smiles, trying to placate me as I uncork our bottle of wine. I drop the cork on the counter and roll it towards her.

"Pinot grigio, all the way from Italy."

Olivia picks up the cork and smells it delicately before rolling it back to me. "Should go well with your pasta stuff-"

I stop, nearly dropping the bottle of wine as I feign injury. "I spend an hour removing the shells from the shrimp, two hours making the white wine reduction sauce to put over the angel hair pasta I bought fresh this morning. Pasta stuff indeed." I take her glass from her and refuse to hand it back. "I think I need to cut you off before you stop appreciating everything about me."

She starts to laugh and flies from her stool to kiss my cheek. "I could never do that." Olivia backs up and lets me back to the stove. "You're the best thing to happen to me in a long time."

"Move in with me." I offer hopefully as I set up our plates. The pasta steams up towards the ceiling as I split it in half and dumped it out.

She starts to laugh and pulls away as I pour the sauce over the delicate angel hair. "Your parents would love that." Olivia winks at me as I arrange the shrimp in a circle on top over the pieces of tomato.

"Olivia- you're being evicted." I set her plate in front of her and hit the dimmer switch on the wall. "Where are you going to live?" I light the candle in the middle of the table as I settle down with my plate and glass. "The library?"

She picks up her fork and tries to blush her way out of the confrontation. "You don't have to be charitable."

"I'm not being charitable-" I argue as I try to find a way to say it that she'll understand. I stare down at the way she's picking her tomatoes off of her dinner and realize there's only one thing to say. "I love you."

Olivia's face melts, and I'm not sure if she's going to blush or start to cry. She drops her fork into her pasta and finally settles on nervous laughter as she tries to retrieve it without getting her fingers dirty. "No you don't."

"Liv-" I watch as she wipes her hands anxiously on her cloth napkin. "I love you. I would like you to move in with me because I can't get enough of you."

"Not because you're just too chivalrous for your own good?" She still can't look at me, and she gives up on her mission to remove the tomatoes from the top of her pasta because her hands are none too steady. "I don't want you to save me."

I drop my hands to my lap, smiling softly as I take a bite of my own pasta. "I'm asking you to save me." Turned out better than I thought I realize as I study the flavors in my mouth. Smiling comes so easily when she's around.

Olivia finally swallows her first bite and stares at me in confusion. "What could you possibly need to be saved from? You have everything."

I look out past her at my view of downtown Sunset Beach through the window behind her. "I have things. Things break, things go out of style, things can be replaced. Do you know what I did at night, before we started dating?"

Olivia shakes her head and twirls her pasta around her fork. "No."

"I sat in the library and waited for you to walk by on your way home." I admit softly, remember the thrill of joy whenever I saw her. "I used to pray you'd smile because that made my whole day worthwhile."

The faint flush of embarrassment is a new look for her. "You can't love me."

The telephone starts to ring and I kiss her cheek as I excuse myself to answer it. "Why not?" I get the phone on the third ring, leaving my napkin in my chair to wait for me.

"Hello?" I begin as I watch Olivia secretively grin in shock at her plate. I turn around, she'll never forgive me for seeing that vulnerability in her.

The voice on the other end is entirely vulnerable. "Gregory?" Alex sounds out of breath, like she's been running. "Oh thank god you're home. I can't find John anywhere. He's not answering at his hotel, and I forgot the name of the man he was meeting in New York."

I cover the receiver and turn to Olivia. "Alex." I explain as I lift the phone back to my ear. "What's wrong?"

She inhales sharply and takes an extra moment to answer. "I think I'm having the baby. I've been having contractions for the last hour or so and I kept thinking they'd go away, but they've just been getting worse and I don't know what to do. I feel so awful bothering you with this, because I know you had a date with Olivia tonight-"

"Don't worry about it!" I correct her firmly. "Alex, we'll be right there. You are still at home right?"

She manages to laugh before cutting herself off. There's definitely pain behind her levity. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Ten minutes." I promise as I wave Olivia over. "You be good until then."

"You know me."

I can't help admiring her humor. I don't know if I could laugh in her position. "That's why I want you to be good. Ten minutes." I remind her as I hang up the phone.

Olivia turns around, but she looks shakier than I've ever seen her. I stop halfway to the front door of my apartment and reach for her hand. "What's wrong?"

"Alex is in labor, isn't she?" Olivia can barely look at me. "That's where we're going."

"Hey-" I take her other hand and sit her down. "Alex is going to be fine. She's just a little freaked out because she can't find John."

She pulls her hands back and I can feel cold sweat on her palms as she does. "Maybe I should stay here, I mean, I don't know Alex that well-"

"Alex likes you." I reassure her, but I can tell immediately that Alex's feelings towards her have nothing to do with this panic attack. Olivia's gone nearly white with fear.

"My mother died..." She starts to whisper softly as she takes my hand. "Giving birth to me killed her."

I can't think of anything better to do than hug her tightly to my chest. "Alex is going to be fine." I run my hands over her back, oddly proud of her for being so honest with me. "You'll see Liv, everything's going to be fine."

She manages to smile for me and nod weakly. "If you say so."

"Alex is tough as iron. You'll see." I get up and lead her towards the door. There isn't even time to put our dinner into the fridge, but I made it once. I can make it again. "Just trust me."

* * *

Turns out Alex wasn't the one I needed to be worried about. The maternity ward of the tiny Sunset Beach hospital is only worried about Elaine. Alex is within a week of her due date but poor Elaine's five weeks early for hers.

Dr. Gordon, Bette's current husband, is quick and apologetic as he checks Alex out. "You're doing just fine Mrs. Mitchum. We'll be able to move you to delivery in a few hours." He makes a few notes on a clipboard and heads for the door.

Then he's gone. Bette pops her head around the door and sneaks in to give Alex a hug. "So March eighth is going to be day?"

Alex tries to smile, but it's a tired effort. Her blonde hair's tied back in a pony tail but sweat's beading up on her forehead already. "I really hope he doesn't hold out for tomorrow."

"Oh honey you'll be fine." Bette assures her brightly as she settles down to chat for a bit. "You've never done anything slowly in your life." Bette's cheerfulness rubs off on everyone and I sneak away to check on Elaine. Olivia will be all right until I get back.

Elaine's room is sealed, but she must have seen me in the hallway. Alex looked tired, but Elaine looks like hell. Her hair's drenched with perspiration, her eyes are sunken into her head, but she smiles when she sees me. "It's not as bad as it looks." She promises but I have a hard time believing her. "Lock the door."

As I turn around to do what she asked, but when I turn back she's out of bed. I rush to her side. "Are you insane?"

Elaine waves me off, pulling on her clothes as it hits me. She doesn't look nearly as pregnant as Alex. In fact, Elaine's barely pregnant at all.

"I expected AJ to leave me." She explains softly as she drops her hospital gown to the floor. "As soon as I found out I was pregnant I lied. Added a few extra months." She sits down and pulls on her shoes. "I need your help."

I follow her dumbly, too stunned to do anything else. "What can I do?"

"AJ's mother is a lunatic. She would have stolen my baby as soon as he was born. Bette's husband helped me lie. For a price of course." Elaine ducks into the sink to wash her face. The makeup around her eyes melts away under the warm water. "You understand, don't you?"

Baby-stealing? Faking her pregnancy? I try to nod. "What do you need?"

Elaine dries her face on the white towel and smiles in relief. "Your jacket and a promise that you never saw me."

I shrug out of my coat and hand it to her. "The nurse wouldn't let me in."

Her lips are still wet from the sink as she kisses me. "You're a good man Gregory. Don't let anyone take that from you." Elaine tucks her hair into a hat and pulls on my jacket. She must only be five or six months pregnant, and it's entirely hidden in my jacket. "Thanks." She unlocks the door of her room and she's gone.

* * *

I'm still reeling when I return to Alex's room. I don't think I've processed any of the conversation. Olivia takes my hand but she's looking for reassurance too. I wrap my arm around her back. Alex and Bette are still talking.

"Did you find Elaine?" She whispers softly.

I remember to shake my head. "Nurse wouldn't let me see her."

I can't tell if Olivia feels pity for Elaine or figures it's the price Elaine has to pay for stealing AJ. I'd love to tell her that AJ didn't cheat on her, at least not as long as she thought, but I can't let Elaine lose her baby like that. No one deserves that. No matter what they've done.

Alex bites back her pain with a stilted cry and Olivia's grip tightens down on my hand like a vise. "Alex is going to be fine." I whisper to her as I kiss her cheek. "She's not your mother."

Olivia keeps hold of my hand, slipping into my lap as I sit down across from Alex's bed. The intimacy of it surprises me. Even Olivia Blake occasionally just wants to be held.

After a few moments she leans in close to my ear. "I'd love to move in with you."

I smile and meet her eyes before I turn my attention back to Alex. It's not 'I love you too' but it's certainly a start.

* * *

**February 1997**

"You did meet him on the internet." Olivia begins with incredible sympathy. Sean already looks on, mutinous, but Caitlin is the victim here. "Murderers and rapists pick up young women on the internet. You should just be happy he didn't break more than your heart."

Caitlin collapses into her mother's arms, sobbing. "You were right mom. He just wanted a fling, he realized I was too serious when I brought him. Oh mom, how could I be so stupid?"

I could tell Caitlin that Olivia orchestrated the whole thing. I could burst into Olivia's vicious little plot and ruin it, but I won't. Caitlin wouldn't believe me, and Olivia will never forgive me. I head for the bar. Vodka might dull a little of the pain once my head is swimming in it. I pour and head to the kitchen for cranberry juice. Let Olivia run our family like her own private melodrama. I can just stop playing my part.

I down my first drink and feel the vodka sting my throat. My ice cubes haven't even had a chance to melt before I bury them in liquid again. After my third drink, Olivia and Caitlin have retired to the study and I can escape. I can hear the music blasting from Sean's room and it occurs to me that a stronger man might stand up to Olivia.

I'm not that man. I leave my empty cup on the bar and head out the door, bottle in hand instead. I know better than to drive, the world's swaying a little around me. I head down the beach in search of somewhere where I won't see Olivia everywhere.

* * *

Meeting her was an accident. I didn't even know she was in town, but she settles down in the sand next to me and takes my arm in a way that patches my heart back together. "I'm sorry Gregory. I should have called as soon as I came into town."

I lean back against the rocks of the grotto and sigh. "It can't be that wonderful to listen to my disaster of a marriage every time you're in Sunset Beach."

"It's just nice to talk to a friend." Alex corrects with a gentle smile. "I don't have many I keep in touch with."

"Even when that friend is drunk and depressed?"

She takes the bottle from my hand and takes a long swig of my vodka laced cranberry juice. "You always drink the girly swill don't you?"

I laugh and tickle her knee to get it back. "I'll have you know Olivia bought that vodka. It's imported and was probably terribly expensive girly swill."

Alex starts to laugh with me and I realize I'd forgotten how good it feels to laugh with someone. "I'm sorry you fought with Olivia."

"That's like saying you're sorry for the rain." I point out as I watch Alex remove her shoes. Her delicate ankles are tanned from walking on the beach. She probably spends as much time trapped in an office as Olivia does not working.

"Sometimes I'm sorry for that." She takes another long drink of our vodka. "It ruins my lighting."

"Ah."

She rests her hand on my arm and it sends a thrill through my body I haven't felt since Olivia attacked me on the sofa. Alex is my friend. Alex is off limits but she's gorgeous as she rolls her head back across her shoulders.

She catches me looking, notices the hungry way I study the petite curves of her body. Alex takes my hand and pulls me up. "Come on sailor, you should go home."

I remain on the beach and shake my head firmly. "I'm not going home to my wife."

She kneels down next to me, she's always been better than I at holding her liquor. "That bad huh?"

I sigh heavily and lower my head to my hands before looking up at Alex and wondering what twist of fate kept her childless while Olivia and I ruin our children's lives. "She blackmailed Caitlin's new boyfriend into breaking up with her."

Alex's mouth twists in sympathy. "No one's good enough for that girl, are they?"

"No." I get slowly to my feet and wonder when the beach got so unstable. "I don't think anyone ever will be. My poor daughter should just run off to a nunnery now, maybe God can measure up to Olivia's standards."

Alex wraps my arm around her shoulders. I can't place her perfume, it must be something exotic. "You did." She reminds me softly. "I remember Olivia being absolutely smitten with you when you were young. She would have walked on water for you."

"Now water just gets out of her way." I explain as we wander in a crooked line down the beach. "Like everything else."

Her hand squeezes my hip. "You're not very good at it. You could save yourself a lot of pain if you'd just learn to duck faster."

I stop and look out over the ocean, wondering what lies Olivia's told Caitlin by now. "I've never been able to take my eyes off her."

Alex steers us up the beach towards the Inn on Sunset Beach. "I know it's not home, but I've a room here and you're always welcome where ever I'm hanging my hat these days."

I follow her into the hotel, and up the elevator to her room. Alex unlocks the door and we stumble into her room. She turns on the lights, but switches them off again as we realize how bright they are. "It's nice."

She shakes her head and disappears into the kitchen of her suite. "It's too clean. I keep looking for those nasty hissing roaches everywhere, but this hotel is just too nice to give me anything to do."

Alex returns with two glasses of water and takes a seat on the bed next to me.

"I could buy you some at the pet store." I offer as I take the water gratefully. "Sean has this tarantula in his closet in a terrarium if you'd like to chase one of those around for awhile-"

Giggling cheerfully as she clinks our glasses together in a toast. "I nearly had a pet one of those in my luggage when I left Madagascar. It's a good thing I misplaced my toothbrush. Otherwise the furry little guy would have come all the way to Namibia with me."

"Don't think he would have liked it there." I offer as I think about the sweltering heat she wrote me about.

"Probably not." Alex agrees as she finishes her glass and sets it aside. "I really am sorry you fought with Olivia. I know how much it must have hurt you."

"It always hurts me." I swirl the water in the bottom of my glass and look for the ulterior motive I always see in Olivia's eyes whenever she's kind to me like this. "I could build a monopoly on pain that would rival Olivia's holdings at the Liberty Corporation."

She takes my arm and holds it against her chest. She's warm and comforting and unlike my wife- she's interested in more than the passionate aspect. Olivia hasn't held my hand like she enjoyed my presence for years.

"You still love her." Alex offers for me. It's not a question, but it begs for an answer anyway.

"I don't think I know how not to love her." I reply as I drop my head softly to her shoulder. "She keeps ripping my heart out, but the damn thing keeps growing back like a weed."

Alex rests her hand on my chest, covering my heart with her tan little fingers. "I like weeds. Some of the most beautiful plants in the world are weeds."

"Olivia prefers roses." I finish my water and set the glass aside. "Roses are the best."

"Hey-" She grabs my chin and turns my face towards her. "You are the best. You endure, you hang on- I wouldn't have put up with half the sh#t you've gone through over the years for her."

"I haven't been the best husband-"

Alex doesn't believe that either. Her eyes are so blue. "Olivia didn't let you be. Your sun rises and sets in her eyes, but she doesn't give a damn. She doesn't even see what she's missing when you're right in front of her."

I kiss her, surprising us both. The more she talks the more I realize how terrible it's going to be tomorrow when I go home to my empty house. How quiet it's going to be when Caitlin's crying about her boyfriend and Sean's sulking. It's not a quiet I want to live with. She kisses me back, sharing the warmth of her body as she creeps into my arms.

She's not Olivia. The warmth rising in my chest isn't love but her hands feel good on my back. Maybe I'm too weak. All it takes is a few kind words and I'm falling into the arms of my best friend. We fall back to the bed, lying there in the dark together. Alex pulls herself up on the pillows and I rest my head on her chest.

"You don't have to do this for me." She offers softly, tracing her fingers through my hair.

I prop myself up on my elbow and stare into her eyes. Her brilliant blue eyes lead straight to her heart. Alex wears her mystery on the surface, beneath that she's nothing but honest. "When I'm with you, it's not about you. It just is what it is."

"What is it tonight?" Alex wonders as I crawl up towards her. Our lips are a whisper apart again.

I don't bother to answer because we both know what it is. I lean down to kiss her again and she rises to meet me. She's smaller than Olivia, but there's hardly anything delicate about Alex. Her hands take care with the buttons of my shirt. Olivia would have ripped them off, but Alex isn't in a hurry. She won't walk away without a word. We sit up, my legs straddling hers as she pulls her simple brown turtleneck up and over her head. There's no satin beneath her shirt, just a simple cotton bra.

Kissing my neck as she works down the buttons over my stomach, Alex finds the moment to smile at me as she turns my back towards the bed. She pushes me down with a gentleness Olivia rarely possesses. Maybe for the tender months when we shared the bond of her pregnancies, but making love to Olivia is like trying to bottle a thunderstorm. Dangerous but invigorating. There's more life in Olivia's cast off clothing than most people know in their time on this earth.

Eventually even I have to come in from the storm. Alex's hair is soft between my fingers as I hold her head down to my own. Her legs slip down on either side of my waist, her jeans rubbing against the twill of my pants. Would Olivia care if she knew where I was? Would the thought of me stripping Alex of her jeans do anything to her? Can she blame me for searching for the affection that's gone out of our marriage? She certainly finds enough pleasure on the side, why do my affairs earn the third degree when hers fall into the realm of things we just don't discuss?

Thinking of Olivia just makes Alex feel better as she melds around me. She drags me out of bed to strip off my pants. We crawl beneath the sheets together and I find the simple clasp on Alex's bra. Her breasts press naked against my chest, firm and smaller than what I'm used to. Does Olivia know that she's the standard that I compare every other sexual experience with? Would she even care?

I put her out of my mind. Alex is here now and she runs her fingers over my chest with the same quiet smile she uses when we talk over coffee. Twenty years I've known her, but we study each other with the same shy curiosity as teenagers. I kiss the birthmark on the sweet spot of her hip and smile when I realize I've never seen it before.

I forgot how comforting it is to close my eyes and lose myself in the heat of someone else's body. Lovemaking has a quiet side. A reflective pause between breaths that reminds me of an emotion I thought I'd lost long ago.

Hope.

* * *

Alex is gone when I wake up. The curtains are open and sunlight's pouring in from the morning outside. Will Olivia even have missed me last night?

I roll over to Alex's pillow slowly. Her side of the bed still smells faintly of her, earthly and unfamiliar. There's a note on her pillow and a single fresh flower. It's a dandelion, a single brilliant yellow flower with a jagged edge. Smiling as I pick up the weed and set it in the water glass on the bedside table, I turn to the note.

"Weeds always grow back, especially when they aren't appreciated. That's what I love about them." I chuckle to myself as I set the note aside and crawl out of bed to look for my clothes. It's after nine according to my watch, and Olivia will already be at the office. I won't have to deal with her until tonight. If she's speaking to me at all.


	8. empty beds

March 1974

Gregory and Bette never should have left me alone with Alex. I could have called all over the China trying to find John just as easier as they can. One of them should have stayed with Alex. They know her, they know what to do. Gregory's good at taking care of people. He's been able to make Alex laugh, and with her husband unreachable, he seems to be falling into the empty place at her side.

Alex closes her eyes and her grip tightens down on my hands. Gregory told me what to say, but I'll be dammed if I can remember now. How does anyone share this with someone else? How do I talk her through this? People aren't supposed to look to me when they're in pain. I can't handle pain. I've made a career of avoiding it. Law is full of emotions I understand, victory and defeat. Coldly calculating your enemies strategy and eviscerating him by being the stronger player. I can't reason my way around this. I can't protect Alex with words, and I certainly can't talk my way out of this. Time finally crawls away as her pain fades.

Ironically, she's the one smiling at me with the same patient smile I love on Gregory's face. "Not what you expected for your big date, is it?"

I lick my lips and nervously try to figure out what she wants me to say, but she answers her own question.

"I'm sorry. I really am, John should be here with me, not you, Bette and Gregory. Not that I don't love all of you for being here, but it seems a bit unfair that he got the fun part and none of this nasty mess." She pulls herself to a sitting position, keeping the same quiet smile even though her eyes give away how difficult it is.

"I'm sure he's beating himself up for missing this." I offer half-heartedly as I realize I can't picture the impatient businessman next to me at Elaine's wedding caring that his wife gave birth to his son without him.

"Probably not." Alex hisses through clenched teeth as she tries vainly to get comfortable on her bed. Her hand rests on my shoulder for a moment and and I reach out to help steady her. "He'll just be glad it's done with, and that he has his baby boy."

The awkward silence falls entirely on me and my mind heads back to Gregory. "Did you see how much he blushed when the nurse teased him for being the nervous father-to-be?" I'm probably blushing now just thinking about him, but Alex appreciates the distraction.

"He'll be a wonderful father someday." She sighs and tucks a damp tendril of hair behind her ear. For a moment I picture Gregory holding my hands just like he held Alex's, but I force my instinctual shudder of fear away. Nothing is going to happen to Alex. She's going to be fine. Gregory told me to concentrate on that.

"Does he want children?" I ask finally, holding up the glass of ice water the duty nurse said it was all right for her to have. "Has he mentioned it to you at all?"

Alex nods, but the next contraction hits her before she has a chance to answer. As if she can sense how nervous I am, she closes her eyes and internalizes her suffering as best she can. It breaks through in the whitening of her knuckles as blood's forced out of her flesh, the tears in the corners of her eyes that seep past her lashes, I should know what to do.

All I can think about is my mother. I don't have a real memory for my fears to build themselves on, but I've seen pictures. My mother had straight hair, like Alex's, but dark and thick. Did she have my eyes? For a moment I see her in front of me, her hands reaching out desperately towards my father to save her from the darkness she must have seen coming. She must have felt it, sensed that every step I came to the world hastened her own departure.

Her cry of pain lances into my daydream, and when she drops my hands I instinctually reach out to her. Her shoulder doesn't burn me when I grab it. Desperation drives her to latch onto me, and by the time her contraction ends I'm sitting in her bed with her. Nervously running my hand over her hair helps calm us both.

"Gregory-" She takes a deep breath, shuddering back from the edge. "He, you can't tell anyone about this, he did all the shopping for the baby with me. He loves kids." Alex leans into my shoulder, breathing hard as the sweat from her forehead soaks into my blouse. "They'd be adorable, the two of you have the right combination of looks. Gregory's eyes- your nose."

She manages weakly to lift her head and I'm struck by the desire to make her smile. It's not really me, but I brush the towel across her face just like I've been watching Gregory do all night. "How much painkillers did they give you?" I tease softly with a raised eyebrow. "Gregory and I are just dating-"

Alex laughs until she starts coughing and reaches for the water glass on the table next to us. Her throat must be raw. "But you have slept with him." She fires back.

I blush immediately, a reflex I thought I'd quashed. "How can you tell? He didn't tell you, did he?"

"I don't think I need to warn you that this-" Alex waves her hand around her hospital room bleakly, "Could be one of the consequences of ravishing the sweet and naive Mr. Richards."

I pushed aside the posibility of ever carrying a baby long ago, but Gregory said he loved me. He didn't think about it, he didn't blush, he just looked into my eyes and said it. Twice.

"I didn't 'ravish' him." I whisper as I look down at the white hospital gown sticking to her damp skin. "We-"

She lifts her hand to my chin and shakes her head. "I don't need details. I'm perfectly happy imagining the whole thing."

I jump back from her, surprised by that kind of candor.

Alex's jaw tightens and she hurries to finish her thought before she looses the ability to speak again. "He's been needing to break in the Jag for quite awhile now."

It is getting easier to let her hold my hands. Maybe we're getting closer, or perhaps I'm just starting to believe Gregory's optimism. Of course everything is going to be fine for Alex. Elaine's got all the bad luck today it seems. Alex is forced to pant this time, and at the peak of her contraction her eyes snap open and meet mine with the first splash of naked fear I've seen from her. Why are women forever cursed to pay for any great pleasure with an equal amount of pain?

Her grip tightens around my fingers until I start to loose feeling in the ends of my fingers. The moan dies in her throat, but the apology in the twisting corner of her mouth suggests she's not going to be able to keep her stoic front much longer. "I am sorry." She whispers with the last of her breath. "Olivia, you really-"

"It's all right." I'm not sure who I'm convincing anymore. "I don't blame you. It's John's fault. He should be here." I pat the bed next to her and give her my steeliest courtroom smile. "He's just lucky I haven't taken the bar yet, I could charge him by the hour."

"Might cost even more than Bette's husband." She laughs the same brave little laugh that she's fought so hard to keep up through this whole ordeal. "If we have another baby, I'll make sure we have you on retainer by then."

Gregory finally returns just as both of us are starting to get a little nervous. I'm almost jealous that Alex has the distraction of pain. I have to think too much. I have to worry that I've only seen her doctor, Bette's husband Jeffrey twice since we arrived at six-thirty. The time's creeping past ten now, and I can't help wandering if something's wrong somewhere.

The floor nurses keep checking in, but a small voice in the back of my head insists that there's more going on then just a difficult premature labor of Elaine's. Of course South Bay is a tiny hospital, little more than a clinic really. Alex and I discern that her contractions are down to two minutes apart when Gregory finally returns.

He takes one of Alex's hands from mine and shares a worried look with me. "I thought I could find John, but I don't speak any Mandarin, and the time change is rediculous, I'm not sure if I got the right secretary in the right hotel or if I was just talking to a series of irate farmwives who are putting ancestral hexes on me while we speak."

Gregory's rambling, suddenly as nervous as I am when he realizes how much more worn down Alex is. Sometimes she doesn't bother to force the smile as she rallies her strength to fight the next battle. Most of the time I just remind myself to keep talking.

"I promise to still love you even if you turn into a cricket. I'll get you a nice box." I tease him with surprising lightness. If we're not worried, Alex won't be.

But the joke isn't the part Gregory hears. His face lights up because I've admitted it. "Even if I'm a cricket?" He repeats softly as he breaks into a rather foolish grin.

"I do remember saying that-" Our flirting comes to an end when Alex fails to bite back a sharp moan.

Gregory drops her hand and darts out into the hallway after the nurse who seems to be filling in for Jeffrey. She returns with Gregory just a step behind. She's in her late forties, with the color hair that my father called maple syrup, but the warm brown fits her. She has the kind of smile we'd like to see on Alex's doctor. The calm aura of confidence that makes everything she says believable. Brushing the stray tear off of Alex's cheek, she squeezes Alex's shoulder. "You're doing great sweetheart. Just a little bit longer and we'll move you out to delivery."

Alex nods, searching for the strength to reply for a moment. "Okay."

Gregory takes her hands, he couldn't be more excited if she was having his baby. For an insane moment my brain toys with the idea. Gregory's known Alex for years, they're closer than any of his male friends. He's the one who knows everything about her baby. Would they? It's possible. Alex watches him with complete trust, holds his hands like a lifeline and hangs on his every word.

But he said he loved me. Alex agreed that he should be with me. Gregory's not the kind of man to let John raise his child. I don't think he'd trust John to raise his sister's dogs, let alone a love child he had with Alex. He kisses her cheek and drops his voice to a comforting whisper. It's obvious really, if this were Gregory's baby, Alex's marriage would be over. Gregory's the understudy here. He's filling in, practicing for his turn. His baby, his wife, and eventually his own family.

Jeffrey smells of whiskey. I've spent far too much time in the cheap alleyways of Manchester not to know what whiskey smells like on the breath of a man who's trying to hide it. He barely looks at Alex as he takes her pulse with reddened fingers. Her bravado's fading away, leaving just her gritty determination to see her baby into the world. Now wonder Gregory is so fond of her. She seems to have the kind of fire Gregory talks about wanting. That brilliance of spirt he claims I have.

Gregory must smell the alcohol on him too because his fight with Bette starts as soon as Alex has been transferred to the delivery room and is out of earshot. "He's been drinking."

"What do you want me to do? Go to his boss and get him fired? He's my husband!" Bette wrings her hands and pulls him aside. They speak in hushed voices for a second but neither of them are listening to each other. I move closer, hoping to get a glimpse into their fight. Alex screams and it rings down the hallway. They break apart and Gregory takes my hand because whatever's in his mind is too terrible to face alone. I don't know what to tell him, he's the one who convinces me not to worry.

Alex screams and Gregory's white knight complex nearly pulls my arm from it's socket. I pull him back to the wall across from the delivery room. "We can't. Let's go back to the waiting room."

He shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair in nervous desperation. "Can we just stay here? I can't just leave her-" Gregory shudders as she screams again and I grab his wrist.

"You told me she'd be okay, remember?" I pull him back to the wall, getting us out of the way of the scattered people walking through. "You left me with her and promised she'd be all right. She's going to be."

"Jeffrey's drunk." Gregory whispers as he surrenders and sinks to the floor.

That's not the whole of it. There's something else on his mind, something with Bette, but he'll probably be dammed before he tells me. I rest my head on his shoulder. I've got a hefty pile of the criminal code to study tonight. I'll never get any of it done now, I resign myself to pulling another all-nighter tomorrow to catch up as I let Gregory wind his hands around mine.

I couldn't study in my apartment anyway. I'm behind on the electric bill again. But that's not going to matter. I'm moving in with Gregory. I'm leaving the railroad yard and my dying old Ford for a flat in the nice part of town and a Jaguar that would have cost my father a year's salary. Because Gregory loves me. I don't think I've ever been prepared for this kind of revelation. Being with him's been a dream and I've spent all this time trying to prepare myself to wake up. What if I don't have to?

Gregory lowers his chin to my head, pulling me that much closer because he just doesn't want to be alone. Alex's screams stop and Gregory jumps back to his feet. He's trembling with excitement and his hand squeezes into my arm.

But it's too quiet. Jeffrey comes out of the delivery room too slowly. He shakes his head and I can see the regret in his eyes. Gregory looks him and starts shaking his head, as if that can prevent what Jeffrey has to say.

"The baby didn't make it." Jeffrey tells us softly. "Alex is fine, she's been sedated, but I'm afraid there was nothing we could do for the baby."

Gregory lunges out of my arms and punches Jeffrey hard enough to knock him down. He stands above him breathing hard for a moment as he kills Jeffrey with his eyes. Then without a word, Gregory walks away.

A woman with icy blonde hair walks by with her baby a few minutes later as we exit the hospital. The little thing is screaming and I'm struck by the unfairness of it all. Alex's baby is dead, but the woman standing next to me has hers. Every baby will remind Alex of what she's lost, but this woman doesn't even seem to appreciate what she has.

March 1997

"There was a woman there mom." Caitlin whispers in disgust. "Dad said he'd been in the shower, but I could tell he was lying, and the bed is all messed up."

I pat Caitlin's shoulder and sigh, grateful that she's choosen my side again. "I'll take care of it."

The party's over. Ben and Meg's prying didn't get them anywhere on their suspicions. No one's going to burn my husband for murdering that b#tch Elaine. Gregory might be with another woman in our bed right now, but he's mine. He's my husband and I will discipline him as I choose until he leaves me or I finally have to kick him out of my house.

Divorcing him would be expensive. Most of my company is built with his money, my long hours at the office where made possible by his sacrifices for our children. His paltry salary for teaching history at Sunset Beach Academy would be dwarfed by the zeros I'd have to put on the end of his monthly alimony check. I remember Charles explaining that community property and the current state of family law would give him the house and full custody of Sean.

Maybe I should find a way to work things out. Just to keep my finances intact. And I'm used to him. Even if he insists on bringing sluts into our bed, Gregory's familiar. I'm even occasionally fond of him.

Caitlin was right. The bed's a mess and Gregory looks guilt the moment I open the door.

"Trying for a divorce again?" I start vindictively as I yank him off the bed. "Do you think I'll be angry enough that you'll have a case for intolerable cruelty?"

He just shrugs, neither apologizing nor contradicting me. "Do you want me to leave?"

"Why bother? You don't seem to think you're married anymore at all." I snort imperiously and point at the bed in disgust. "Elaine wasn't enough? You had to get some cheap slut up here into OUR bed as well?"

"There's nothing going on in it with you!" Gregory snaps back as he hits my hands off of his arms. "What do you care? Are you jealous Olivia? Does your blood boil because I found someone who finds me attractive? Does it bother you that other women might look at me and see something you don't anymore?"

I raise my eyebrow and try to keep from looking at the part of his chest bared beneath his robe. A failed one night stand two nights ago left me a little more on edge than I realized. He just gets on my nerves more when I have to admit to myself that he's the best I've ever had. The damn businessman I almost had two nights ago wasn't even able to get beyond talking about having sex. Though Gregory is a continuous disappointment in every part of our marriage, he's never let me down in bed.

"Maybe it's just because they don't know you. It's always been easier for you to sleep with strangers than your own wife." I snap at him as I steel myself against his retort.

"Fine. I'll move out." He turns away from me and I start to laugh at his deception. "You'll have the divorce papers in the morning."

He opens his closet and takes out a suitcase, one of the small ones for overnight. Dumping it on the floor Gregory returns from the bathroom with his toothbrush and the little leather case for his razor. As he reaches for his clothes I slap his hand away from his neat little pile of boxers. "You're not leaving."

"Oh really?" He leaves his clothes and heads for the door of the bedroom. "I can leave robe, it'll look great on the front of the Sentinel tomorrow morning." Gregory mimes a headline with an tired smile. "Queen of Sunset Beach kicks her penniless consort out on the street."

"So this is about money?" I hiss angrily as I block the door. The press would spin it his way. The woman never wins in these situations.

Gregory starts laughing and cups my chin as he reaches for the handle of the door. "Maybe that's the problem with us. I don't give a damn about money and it's all you think about. Maybe you'd be better off if I'd been just as poor as you are."

"That's right, rub it in that I'm living on your money." Of course he would. he awlays does. "Well, mister silver spoon Richards if it weren't for me we'd still be living in the apartment your parents bought you because you don't even have the guts to go house hunting! It's just too simple for your vast intellect to handle!"

He keeps laughing because it infuriates me. So I tear into him. "You've always been too good for the simple down-to-earth daily chores. After all, you've got a god dammed PHD, what good are we mere mortals next to you?"

"My darling, perhaps you should look in a mirror when you talk about being too good for the simple things in life. Where were you when your daughter took her first steps?"

My hand lashes out before I realize what I'm thinking. It cracks across Gregory's face but at least it takes the smug expression off. My hand's stinging as I hold it to my chest, and Gregory actually looks apologetic.

"I was out of line." He offers simply as he digs up his toothbrush from his suitcase and shoves it back in the closet. "I'll be in the guest room if you need me."

I shouldn't snap at him, but I can't hold myself back. "I can't think of an occasion where I possibly would."

He shrugs and opens the door to the hallway. "Maybe the house will start on fire."

I resist the urge to scream after his retreating back and return to the unearthly quiet of the empty master bedroom. He left me with the dirty sheets of his fling with her, whoever she was. I force tears away because that would be losing to him. I force myself to look at the bed and picture him there with another woman. Tonight she's a blonde and he strokes her hair as they caper together in the sheets of my bed. He whispers and laughs as she kisses his chest. I tear the sheets from the bed, ripping the pillowcases inside out as I remove them from the pillows.

I kick the bedding into the corner and strip the rest of the sheets from our marital bed. I stare panting at the naked mattress when I realize I'm crying after all. Why wasn't it me? Why isn't it ever us anymore? He doesn't even ask me anymore. He never reaches across the bed and touches my hand, or even my arm. Gregory doesn't kiss me. I sink against the wall and hug my knees to my chest. He doesn't want to share my bed with me and he's made that clear. Now I just need to learn how to live with it.


	9. closer

April 1974

Alex's hands are shaking, but she has the same bitter smile she's used for dealing with her husband since he came back. She walks out of the courthouse and straight into my arms. Breathing in as she rests her head on my chest, Alex sighs. "I did it. I'm a free woman."

I stroke her head, leaning back against the car and wishing there was something I could do. "You're going to be fine."

She pressing something warm and metal into my hand and looks up at me with dry eyes. "Of course I am. I've lost everything and I'm alone again. I do my best work when I'm alone."

Alex's car door opens and shuts as I look down at the objects in my hand. A ruby ring, still too new to even look dirty around the setting, and her wedding ring. A simple gold band was all that shackled her to John. The emotions are dead between them now. I'll always remember the way she appeared at my door one night, far past midnight, two weeks ago and announced that she'd left him. Olivia's eyes were haunted as I set up Alex on the couch. She clung to me that night.

I thought she was worried about Alex and me, our history, our future, but Olivia would never worry about that. She owns me already and she knows that. Her worries don't have anything to do with me. I catch her crying about it in the shower twice before she admits what's bothering her. Her haven where I can't hear the sobbing in her chest. The third morning I waited for her. Listened at the frosted glass door and barged my way in.

Olivia's not even pretending to wash her hair. She's curled up in a ball in the back corner of the shower. She looks up at me, tears lost in the water streaming over her face. I reach for her before shutting off the water and it soaks through my shirt. It's only lukewarm now and Olivia must be freezing. She won't move and I step out of my shoes before climbing into the shower stall after her. With both of my hands on her shoulders I finally convince her to get out. She wraps her arms around my neck. I hold her shoulders with one hand as I reach around her for a towel.

I pull it around her, rubbing her shoulders and arms as I hold her head tight against my chest. "It's okay. It's okay sweetheart."

"He died." She hugs her arms tightly around her chest, fingers tight in the soft blue terrycloth. "You said everything was going to be all right and he died."

I run my hand over the top of her head and try to figure out how to explain my own infallibility. "Life is imperfect. Sometimes bad things happen without a reason, without a purpose and we have to live with them anyway." I sit her on the corner of the tub and get another towel for he hair. "Death happens to all of us. Me, you, Alex's baby-"

She starts to shake her head, but I continue. "Your mother."

"No. No, Gregory-" Olivia looks at me with more desperation then I've ever seen in the eyes of a human being. "She wasn't supposed to die. I- I killed her."

I manage to convince her to take the day off. No small feat considering I've never seen her spend more than a few hours away from her studies. This morning she was back at the books in the living room but she at least she was smiling.

"Lunch?" I wonder as Alex stares off into the morning sunshine.

She turns up the corner of her mouth closest to me and shakes her head weakly. "I've got a plane to catch. Maybe you'd drive me to the airport?"

I shut off the engine and turn in my seat to stare at her. "You'll leaving?"

"Buenos Aires." She shrugs and leans her head against the car window. "I can't stay here. I don't care how I leave or where I end up, but I know I have to get away."

Her hand's resting on her leg and I take it into mine. "So you're just going off into the sunset?"

Alex grabs my chin, sharing the desolation in her heart. "I thought I'd go looking for a sunrise instead. I've had enough sunsets for the time being." Even the silence between us is precious.

Kissing her has always been forbidden, in fact, the moment between us now is the first we've had in years where she wasn't tied down. Now it's all the sweeter without John between us.

"Always the optimist." I tease wearily as I try to imagine not having my best friend.

Her head is heavy on my shoulder as she rests against me. "Life is short. God, if I didn't believe that before-" Alex wipes at her left eye with tired fingers. "I have pictures to take still. I'm not sure where they are, or what I'm going to find on the way. I have to keep looking, I have to remind myself there's beauty in the world left somewhere." Her hand rests on my heart as she returns my kiss of a few moments ago. "Like right here."

Blushing as I taste her mint chapstick on the tip of my tongue, I feel my eyes sting in response. "I'm going to miss you."

Running a finger lazily along my lips, Alex's blonde hair bounces as she shakes her head. "You're going to be too busy with your wife and a trio of little brunette darlings to do more than pen me the occasional letter complaining about just how happy you are."

The flush that I thought was dying returns with a vengeance as it burns up my neck. "When am I getting married?"

"As soon as you stop kidding yourself and marry Olivia." Alex squeezes my fingers and pleads with me. "You never know how much time you have Gregory, don't you dare waste it." Her other hand cups my cheek. "Especially not when you have something as precious as love."

I cried when her plane took off. I sat behind the wheel in the airport parking lot and cried until I didn't have anything left. Alex is gone but I still have my family. My sisters, my nieces- as much as I love them I can't help thinking that it's time. I start the car as my tears fade into purpose.

Twenty minutes later I'm parking the Jaguar in front of the fanciest jewelry store in town. The one most of my mother's favorite pieces are from. The elderly man behind the counter smiles at me as he smoothes his neat brown suit and looks up from his work.

"Looking for something in particular sir?"

I take a breath and smile at him sheepishly. "I want to get married."

April 1997

"She can't stay in this house Sean. She's a thief and I want her gone." Olivia's in fine form as the iron fist that rules us all as she towers over Sean. It doesn't matter that she's shorter than him by the width of my hand.

He looks shaky, but I'm not sure if it's the argument with his mother that's doing it. "If she goes, I go with her."

"Fine, cut yourself off from your life." Olivia's voice drips with bitterness. "You've had everything you've ever wanted here and if I wouldn't buy it for you, you went crying to your father until he got it."

"Olivia-" I interject, taking some of the heat of Sean for a moment. "You're being unfair."

"Unfair!" She whirls on me about to begin world war three as Sean delivers his ultimatum.

"Either she stays, or I-" But he collapses mid thought, crashing to go the ground as Tiffany drops terrified beside him.

After that it was a blur. Olivia's condescending disgust at Sean for 'faking' his injuries collapsing as she realized our son was really in danger. The paramedics, the ambulance ride and the desperate phone call she made to Caitlin. For a moment on the phone she sounded truly concerned, and that vulnerability must have frightened her because as soon as she starts to speak again, Olivia's found an outlet.

"I want my son transferred out of this god forsaken clinic and into a real hospital." She even has the paperwork to follow it up. She spits venom at the young doctor Chang as she tries to explain the seriousness of Sean's condition. Malpractice lawsuits aren't going to help our son, but Olivia's never been good at holding hands and praying for the best.

She drags me back from Sean's side as the screaming monitors insist that he's dying. Her hands are ice as they grab my wrists and pull me to the side.

I still can't fathom what would have become of us if Sean had died there. If Olivia and I had to go home without our son. The second son we've lost together. I don't think she would have recovered. I doubt I would have but Sean pulls through the night. He's sleeping peacefully when Dr. Chang comes to check on us. There's a quiet surrender, a sigh of relief in the moment before Olivia barges in with her paramedics and her transfer paperwork.

Another ambulance ride with the ice queen. She barely looks at either of us, just across the ambulance to the wall behind me with that imperious look she has when she knows she's won. Sean's going to have the best doctors, the best equipment money can buy, but I can't help thinking that he doesn't have his mother's love. She's too locked up, too afraid to be able to do more than squeeze his hand when he looks to us for reassurance.

Time marches onwards and pulls us all headlong through the long wait for the MRI. Dr. Strahorn only seems to have bad news for us, but for once Olivia's holding my hand like she means it. Reminding me not to cry for Sean's sake.

What fragile hope we'd pieced together is shattered as Sean disappears. It's that Tiffany girl, Olivia rails, but I shake my head. "What are you, made out of stone? You don't have to bury it behind your wrath or your dammed professionalism." I turn back to her and bore into her icy shield. "Our son is missing. He could die if we don't find him soon. I've never been more afraid and I think you feel that too but you have to show me."

I sink my fingers into her shoulder, too harshly not to leave a mark on her skin through her jacket. Her eyes twitch and I remember seeing that naked fear. "I need you to share it with me Olivia because I can't stand feeling like I'm alone anymore." The tears surprise me, but they must be what gets through to her because suddenly she's in my arms.

"You're not alone darling." Olivia whispers, still stoic but it's crumbling.

She shudders in my arms and I can't help remembering the day we lost our child. The day she begged me to help her, the one time she asked for my help, and there was nothing I could do to take the pain away.

"You're not alone. I am terrified." She continues gently and I can hear the truth in her voice. Her head brushes my cheek and I want to laugh at myself for drawing comfort from the smell of her hair. In that moment I can believe everything's going to be all right but it's over just as quickly. She pulls back, struggling against tears she would never allow herself to shed.

"It's okay to be scared." I promise her as I cup her cheek in my hand. She doesn't pull away and I take another step towards her. She opens her arms, lets me pull her in and cradle her as I bury my fears in the smell of her hair.


	10. uncontrolled

April 1975

Five hours of pencils scratching. Five hours of being surrounded by my classmates in a stuffy room without enough windows. Five hours of obscure legal facts and I'm ready to scratch my eyes out with my number two pencil. The proctor releases us and I don't even bother to pretend not to hurry to Gregory's car. It was so sweet of him let me sell my clunker for scrap as it deserved and drive the beautiful old Jaguar but he is a darling. Gregory is always sweet to me.

I doubt I deserve it. When I'm with him it's the only doubt I have in my heart. Wether I deserve his sweetness and his unconditional love. As I turn the key into his apartment, I can feel his hands on my back, his breathon my cheek. It's so easy to want his touch, to ache for him. Why isn't it easier to trust him? Why can't I just let him in?

"The legal community's trembling before you aren't they?" I can hear him rattling pans in the kitchen and the hiss of wine and oil. He spoils me but he loves every moment of it. I've asked him to stop, but he just smiles, kisses my forehead and turns away. He's happy. Gregory's happy in the manner of a Christmas puppy who has realized he's been given to the most wonderful little girl in the world.

I'm not her. "Perhaps." I tease as I trip off my clothes. Dropping them to the floor and reaching for the shirt on top of his pile of clean clothes, I undo the clasp of my bra and feel the cool fabric of his shirt brush against my breasts as it falls away to the floor. I kick it aside into the pile of shoes and my discarded clothes from the day.

My bare feet are cool against the floor as I pad out of the bedroom. He doesn't hear me over the hiss of the stove and the rustling of wood on metal as he finishes preparing dinner. The smell is enticing, but I'm in no mood for the slow torture of eating across from him. Watching his tongue do things to his fork I'd rather have him be doing to me.

"I won't get the results for another six weeks, but I know I passed." Gregory doesn't look up as he tucks his pans into the oven to stay warm. I slip my hand around him to steal one of the neatly julienne strips of pepper from his cutting board on the counter. He slaps at my hand playfully and grabs my wrist to roll up the sleeve of the stolen shirt.

"I didn't have any doubt." He reaches for my other sleeve and rolls it up as well. "Wouldn't want you to get it dirty. I just washed that." Gregory doesn't turn around. He hasn't noticed that the only thing I'm wearing is his shirt.

"You did my laundry again too didn't you?" I tease as I run my fingers up his spine. Gregory shudders just enough to inflame my resolve. i hope his masterpiece reheats because I'll never be able to devour anything but him. At least until I get him out of my system. Is it love to want him as much as I do? If it is only lust everything else I've felt up to this point has just been an appetizer.

I stand on my tiptoes to kiss the back of his neck and finally he turns around and spends a little time with his hands on my instead of his utensils. The shirt bunches and the fabric of his corduroy trousers rubs against the bare skin of my thigh. i sigh and squeeze him a little closer. "You don't have to do that."

"Maybe I was hoping you'd wear your own clothes some of the time if they were clean-" He offers back playfully as he tugs at the collar of his shirt. As he expected the top button strains and then pops open under his touch. Gregory's eyes widen in polite surprise as he looks down the valley between my breasts and realizes there's nothing in his way.

"Yours are more fun." I reach around to shut off the stove. "Play with me." I beg with pouting lips as I tilt my head up to meet his eyes. "i'm not ready to eat yet-" I dance my fingers inside the back of his trousers and his eyebrows fly up in surprise. "I've been such a busy girl with that nasty, nasty bar exam..."

I melt my lips into the warm of his neck. Gregory sighs as he sets his spatula aside.

"I spent three hours on dinner." He complains gently as he lets me lead him to the bedroom after one last look over his soon-to-be neglected kitchen.

I pull him from the doorway and force him into the living room. "I'll trade you."

Laughing almost nervously as I push him down to the sofa, he looks to the bedroom and then back to me with quiet curiosity. "No bedroom?"

I nibble his bottom lip and grin wickedly as I reach for the hem of his polo shirt. "Maybe in a little while." I tear it over his head and slip into his lap.

Gregory catches my hands as I reach for his belt. "Maybe you shouldn't be in such a hurry." Running his tongue in a lazy line from my chin to the tip of my left breast he draws an anxious moan out of my throat. Even nearly naked it's too hot in our apartment. He sucks, driving tender flesh and nerves into a flurry of activity. I dig my fingers into his shoulders and resist the urge to demand he flip me back and take me now.

Instead of moving his mouth to the other aching breast, he works his way down my chest and stomach, moving out from under me to get a better angle. Bit by bit he works his way up, only finally paying attention to the other breast when I dig my hands into his hair.

"-Fuck me."

He rests his forehead on the bare skin of my chest as he bursts into laughter. "Liv?"

"I'm serious." I try to explain as I stare up at at the ceiling and try to ignore his fingers playing just above my knee. "Forget what I like, forget being so dammed sweet and just fuck me like you've never met me before."

He rocks back on the balls of his feet and rests his arms contemplatively on my lap. "I'm not sure if I can do that." Gregory's mouth twists in a playful little smile of amusement. "I'm not really in the habit of 'fucking' strangers."

I trace a finger over the muscles of his chest and kiss his forehead. "I don't want to think. I want you to take me like I can't say no."

Sighing as he stares up at me with that infuriating gentleness, Gregory's eyebrows tighten. "I won't hurt you."

I shake my head, smiling softly. "I'm not asking you to hurt me. Just don't let me think. I've done too much of that today. Please darling-"

"For you?" He offers as he marches his fingers playfully up my thighs.

"For me. Oh darling I'm sure you have some dark little thoughts somewhere you can draw on."

Gregory takes a moment to think, settling comfortably on the wood floor as he studies the pleading in my eyes. He gets up on one knee as he cups my cheek. I can feel the conflict in his silence. Gregory's not the type to be rough with me. It's a kind of consideration I'm not used too and it's nearly entirely foreign to me that he waits for me to initiate our encounters. There's a definitely a quiet comfort in control.

He stands up slowly, patiently brushing a hand through my hair as he seems lost in thought. He turns away from me just long enough to surprise the hell out of me when he kisses me hard enough to draw blood as my teeth scape against the inside of my lip. He cups my breast in his hand, tearing one of the buttons of his shirt free with a pop as Gregory uses the weight of his body to push me down into the sofa.

Leaving me gasping for air as he breaks the kiss, Gregory drags me roughly to my feet and scoops me up into his arms. Unceremoniously carrying me into the bedroom he drops me roughly on the bed. Kissing me again, he keeps me busy with his mouth on my neck as his right hand dives into his pile of laundry. Without a word he grabs my wrists and binds them in an intricate knot of silk. I strain against it, testing the strength of his handywork as he grins and flips my arms up towards the brass at the head of the bed. Laughing as he secures it to the head of the bed, I close my eyes and try to guess where he'll touch me.

I can hear the clink of his belt buckle as it hits the floor and the rustle of his pants as they fall next to it. The bed shifts as his weight is added to it. He runs a slow fingertip around the crown of my knee and I squirm in desperate protest. He mounts my legs, pinning them to the bed as he makes the same maddening circle with his tongue.

He knows I can't stand it, not being tickled, not being touched, none of it. "Stop, stop-"

Gregory grabs my face, fingertips digging into my cheek and carrying the faint smell of garlic and white wine from the dinner getting cold in the other room. "No." He whispers in a tone I've never heard him use with me before, an angry growl that doesn't leave room for argument. He kisses me again and I can feel the hardness of his teeth against my lips. They'll be bruised but it's the kind of desperation I wanted. The kind of disregard for my safety that I need tonight. His hands are harsh as he roams down my chest. Even Gregory's soft brown eyes are cold. It's not him, he's never looked at me like this, but he's doing it now for me. He'd do anything for me.

Bored with the fabric between us, he rips open the shirt and the last buttons bounce delicately on the floor. He sinks his fingers into my sides just below my breasts and runs up to them. When he reaches them he finds both nipples. Heat runs down my stomach with the flash of pain. I strain against the tie holding me to the head of the bed and wish I could return the sensation by digging my nails into his back. But I can't get free and he knows it. He's laughing as he realizes I'm fighting. Gregory lowers his chest to mine, drawing tiny goosebumps as his hair brushes against my inflamed skin.

His left hand cups my chin again. "No Olivia." He follows the admonition with a kiss as his right hand finds a better way to punish me. As his fingers crawl roughly between my legs I'm suddenly, violently aware of how wet I am. He slips his finger down and then up over my clit, teasing with the barest hint of pressure before curling his finger and running his knuckle harshly over it. I cry out in surprise as my nerves protest the abuse, but he quiets me with another bruising kiss.

I can barely catch my breath as he begins a quick rhythm. I try to pull my arms free, rattling the bed as I struggle, but it's in vain, and he's smiling that wicked smile as his teeth glance off the soft flesh of my stomach. His tongue runs in a curving trail down my across to my right hip. His right hand darts below, two fingers stroking in and upwards as his tongue takes it's place against my clit. His lips are a weak buffer between the torture of his teeth and this time he lets me scream. My head's spinning spiraling upwards and his hands roughly force my legs open as he holds me still. Panting against the urge to scream I arch my back and try to free myself from his grip.

I can't help screaming when he enters me, but the shock makes it a stilted sound. There's no more teasing as he rocks my hips back and drives into me. His chest runs hot over my stomach, and he pulls nearly out, runs a cruel thumb over my clit once hard enough to force tears in my eyes, before driving in again. My wrists ache from the tie binding them but I can't think about anything but him as he forces me down into the bed. He rocks forward, pushing deeper, harder, and I'm lost. Satisfaction arrives like a brick wall, whiting out my vision and running in a line of fire up my spine. It burns through and I barely feel his release as the shiver takes over.

His breathing is still racing, but he's not shaking. It's just me who can't stop trembling. He's free and I'm utterly dependent on him. Quick fingers release his complicated knot and he pulls me into his arms. Gregory's never seen me cry. I've never let him. It's too personal, too vulnerable but I can't help it. It's too much.

Thankfully he hasn't said anything, speaking would require me to acknowledge my feelings. Admit that I need him to keep holding me because I can't face the world outside of this moment. Is the world even still here? Maybe I missed the end of the world and that's why I feel so strange. Gregory kisses my cheek as he releases me for a moment, pulling the sheet up over me I use the corner to dab at the tears on my cheek. He rolls back over, dropping his pants back to the floor as he rests his closed fist on my chest.

With his free hand Gregory does a much better job of removing my tears than I did. Beneath his tousled brown hair he smiles with the innocent glee of a little boy about to have his fondest wish come. I straighten the sheet over my breasts and take his hand with both of mine.

"What's this?" I ask softly, trying to keep the edge out of my voice.

If he hears it, he doesn't mind. Gregory crawls up the bed to kiss me and I can still taste him on my lips as we pull apart. "You're brilliant, driven, ambitious, passionate, everything I 've never understood. So very beautiful, strong, defiant and yet so vulnerable." He brushes the dampness in the corner of my eye and looks right into my soul.

"I love you. I love every moment of being with you. You're everything I never knew I was missing until you spoke to me. You're my Renaissance and my Enlightenment. I need you to bring light into my life." He turns over his hand, opening his palm to reveal a stunning pear shaped diamond ring that burns as if it were lit from within.

"Marry me." There's no question, no room for dismissal, just the two words of command.

And then I can't breathe.

April 1997

Gregory takes the time to kiss my forehead as we arrive home from the hospital. It's the kind of sweet gesture I've missed so much it hurts to think about how long it's been since he did it and meant it. Dinner meant a lot to him, I overheard him telling Sean how wonderful it was that I took him out. God knows it's been more than a year since we went out together just to spend time together. I have to admit it was lovely. I'd forgotten how wonderful it is to sit across from him and feel his smile warm up the room.

He walks me upstairs, brushing my lower back with his hand as he heads to the master bedroom. I've been sleeping in the guestroom since that horrible night with the other woman.

It doesn't even feel like our bed and I'm not ready to face that just yet. Gregory hasn't said a word about it and I can't tell if the affair is even over. It might not be because he's changing clothes as I walk by the bedroom. I was only intending to get a night cap and put myself to bed, but Gregory looks like he's getting ready to go out again.

I shouldn't but I knock on the door. "Do we have any aspirin in the bathroom?"

He looks up in surprise from his dresser drawers. Gregory could just be putting his clothes away, it could be entirely innocent. He looks up innocently and shuts his drawer. "I think so. You all right?"

Is it wrong to that I just want him to hold me? There's the start of a headache just inside my temples. Will he even care? "I've just a bit of a headache." I shrug and give him half of a smile. "There isn't anything in the bathroom in the guestroom."

He touches my shoulder, eyes soft with concern. "You didn't have to knock." Gregory sits me down on the loveseat in front of the bed and heads for the bathroom. "Just stay there, I'll get it for you."

I hear the faucet and realize he's getting me a glass of water. He's always so sweet. "You didn't have to knock." Gregory calls from the bathroom. I pretend not to hear him, rubbing my temples and closing my eyes against the light.

I wait for him to sit down next to me and touch my shoulder before I even look up. "I'm sorry darling, did you say something?"

"You didn't have to knock." He repeats gently as he passes the glass of water and the two white aspirin into my hands. "It's your bedroom too."

I take a sip of water and palm the aspirin as I pretend to swallow them. The slight headache I have is helping the charade and I'm not ready to banish it just yet. Will he stay with me and minister to my headache or make his excuses and run off to be with her?

"Is it?" I let as much hurt into my voice as I dare, pleased with the edge that's crept into it.

"Of course it is." He takes my hands away from my temples and replaces them with his own warm fingers. Gregory makes slow circles and I like my eyes close again. "If you're still too angry with me, I can move to the guest room instead. I wouldn't even need to move my clothes. You're up and gone before I even get up most days."

Is that a jab about me working too much? Seems like a low blow for Gregory, especially when he thinks I'm ill. I sigh and drop my head heavily to my hands. "I haven't been to the office since Sean became ill, maybe you'd let me off the hook about work for tonight?" It's a weak attempt at light heartedness, and just as I predicted, Gregory sees right through it. His fingers move down to my neck and find the stubborn knots of tension I didn't even know were there.

"It meant a great deal to him that you were there Olivia." Gregory turns on the loveseat, getting a better angle to work on my neck. "More than I think you realize."

I let my breath hiss out from between my teeth, earning that warm concern in his voice I don't deserve but want so badly tonight. "He's my son. Where else could I be?"

His thumbs carry his apology along the vertebrae of my neck, and he moves my hair aside to creep his fingers up to the base of my skull. Gregory lets it drop, more concerned with my well-being than punishing me any further today. "It wasn't an accusation Liv."

I startle, turning toward him in surprise I don't have to fake. "I can't remember the last time you called me that."

Gregory's hand lifts my own to his lips and he kisses it gently. "Would you believe I never stopped in my heart?"

I smile, leaning I cup his cheek and lean back into the sofa. "I was just remembering the Gregory I fell in love with. Irrepressible, fearless and strong-"

He interrupts, laughing as he sets down my glass of water. "That's what I thought about you. You were the one who was fearless. From the moment I saw you, I wanted you and I wanted to be like you." He looks down at his hands on my knee and back up at me. "I needed your strength."

"You were strong." I remind him, remembering how caring he was when Alex lost her baby. How she never saw anything but hope in his face. "You weren't one of those men who pretends to be stoic, you felt and you were never afraid to share that with me." Somewhere I've stopped acting. I really loved him once, and I don't think I've been this frightened since Sean collapsed two days ago.

"I needed that." I promise him, wishing desperately I didn't have get up and walk away from him. Wishing I could trust him not to hurt me anymore.

Gregory sighs heavily, looking down at his bare feet in the soft carpet of our bedroom. "The difference is, now I need you-" He shrugs and there's more pain in his eyes than I've ever let myself see. "And I don't think you need me."

Guilt wells up a thousand times worse than the pain I was imagining in my head. Of course I need him. I don't even know who I am without him. "No." I whisper vaguely, unable to admit everything else that's racing through my mind. "That's not true."

I thought I was beyond caring about him. I thought I could hate him for finding happiness with other women, I thought I could just walk away and seal myself inside my hurt, like I always do. But his lips are so close, so soft- I have self control. I know the difference between love and lust. I know that lust keeps my body quiet and love just twists the knife in my heart I've never been able to face.

But I kiss him anyway. I pull his face to mine and kiss him as if he's the only man who's ever mattered because there's no other way to tell him how he makes my heart beat. And it's as incredible as I remember it being. He's always been able to take my breath away.


	11. drifting towards home

May 1975

"She said yes Alex. We've already broke the news to my parents." I wait for the static to clear as the connection improves and then I try again to shout the news through. "My parents!"

Alex starts to laugh and it cuts through the static. "How's your mom taking the news?"

"She was sure I was lying. That Meredith had talked me into making the whole thing up to raise her blood pressure." I join her laughter. "Dad said even I could find some socialite who wanted to join the Richards legacy and carry me on her arm."

Even bounced across the Pacific ocean, her amused cooing over the idea of my mother's surprise makes her sound like she's right next to me. I can almost feel her head on my shoulder. "I would have paid to see his face when you explained that your socialite was the talented Miss Olivia Blake, future partner and Massey-Greysolon."

"Or millionaire entrepreneur." I smile at the picture of her I cut from the paper to keep in my wallet until she'll let me have a real photo taken. Perhaps when we announce the engagement. "She's bound for wonderful things. She has such beautiful dreams, wants to build something for us in Sunset Beach."

"For you?" Alex teases playfully over the splashing rain in the background. She sounds honestly happy and it's not just for my good fortune. There's a peace in her voice that's been missing in our last few shouting, tremulous phone calls.

"For both of us." I'd give anything to be able to hug her to me and whisper how wonderful my life is going to be in her ears. Take the feelings boiling over in my heart and pour them into the empty place in hers. She'll hold my babies someday. I can already picture her holding them, and the little dark curls Olivia's sure to pass along, tickling Alex's face as she reads them a story. "She's going to rule the world and I'll be there at her side."

"Always thought you'd end up there. Right next to the woman who rules the world."

"Why in the hell would you think that?" I burst out before what she's said has even sunk in. "I'm not attracted to money, or power. I don't give a damn about any of that nonsense."

"Money and power want stability and kindness." She clarifies. Reminding me once again that my life is more controlled by the people who love me than myself. "You have both of those in abundance. Women like Olivia need men like you-" She clucks her tongue and I can picture her hands on her hips. "I've been telling you that for years."

"It's just impossible to believe that someone like her could need me." I sigh and settle down on the corner of the balcony. My feet dangle over the edge, between the delicate wrought iron bars. Beneath my shoes are the twinkling lights of the harbor. The yachts of the rich businessmen, my father's friends and Olivia's mentors, bob gently in the late evening swells. The fancy boats are all tied to the dock, and they pull only weakly at their morings. They're content, like me. "I love her Alex. I used to dream about my life and feel empty. As if I hadn't accomplished anything- like I was just drifting along."

"Uh-huh." She prods lightly as she pours something wet into metal. "Sorry, roof's leaking again."

I reach down to untie my shoes, setting them aside as I take off my socks. "You know how you always say that you're home anywhere, as long as you have your camera?"

"I only say it because it's true." More water pouring in the background. She wasn't kidding about the rainy season.

"As long as I'm with her, I'm home. She can drag me halfway to you and your jungle, but I'm home." I hear her laughter as I fold my socks into my shoes. "I didn't think I could be this happy."

"You're not even married yet. You're just going to have to set the bar a little higher." Alex pauses a moment, than she says something that makes me happy I'm alone on the balcony. "Unless of course, you're engaging in the terrible sin of premarital sex."

I can feel the blush run hot over my face as I try to stab back. "Why would I ever do such a thing? I know that's a trip straight down to hell."

The sound of the rain is fading, and I picture her lying on her canvas cot, with the trees dark and damp behind her. "Where you'd happily go, a million times over, for her."

"Wouldn't be hell if Olivia was there." I reply stupidly before I realize how foolish that sounds.

Alex pops her cheek, pretending to thump me on the back of my head. "You're adorable." Our connection fizzles and we wait for the static to clear. "But I suppose that's why I waste every chance I get on the phone with you."

"I always thought it was because you don't have anyone else to talk to." I tease her back, not realizing until after the words are out of my mouth that's there's truth to them. Who else does Alex have? "But I'm the one who's winning that arrangement. I'm glad I have you to talk too. No one else is as honest with me."

"Not even Bette?"

I chuckle as the horn lets another yacht in to harbor to dock. "She's all a twitter because I let the man at the jewelry store talk me into that pear-cut diamond."

Alex breathes in sharply. She knows that ring. It's been sitting in the center of jewelry case since John bought her ring just last year. "What did you say to him?"

"That I needed the best."

"Because you were in love..." I can almost hear her rolling her eyes.

I swing my feet and pull the wicker chair behind me so I can lean on it. "I'm in love. I might be the most foolish man alive, but I'm in love."

"I'm sure Olivia finds your foolish behavior charming," she says with the patronizing tone only Alex can get away with. "Or it's as I feared and she's fallen entirely for your looks."

"I didn't know I was that handsome." I tease back. "But I'll take it as a compliment."

The phone sputters and I worry we're about to lose the connection. Before we do Alex grows serious. "She's lucky to have you. She's the luckiest woman alive to have you."

I try to collect my thoughts, but the phone goes dead before I do. I try to get her back, but somewhere between California and the jungles of Indonesia it's gone. Is she right? I didn't get a chance to tell her that Olivia doesn't need me. That I'm just holding her back.

There's a thud in the living room, followed by the patter of bare feet on the wooden floor. Arms wrap around my neck before I even get a chance to turn around. "I smell dinner."

I turn my head around to kiss her cheek. "Oh no, I'd never cook for you, that's just some pans I wanted to burn clean in the oven."

Olivia tucks the phone aside and removes the clip holding her hair up on her head. Her hair tumbles dark down on the shoulders of her business suit. She's already unbuttoning the blazer, and dropping it on the wicker chair as she pulls me up and inside. "So what are you burning?"

"Chicken curry, Alex sent the powder herself from Bangkok last time she was near a post office." I turn her around, picking up the blazer she abandoned and smoothing some of her wild hair back from her face. "At least, that's what it was an hour ago when someone was supposed to come home..."

Olivia's face immediately falls in disappointment. "Oh darling, I'm so sorry. I do everything I can to get out of the office when I say I'm going to."

I can taste her lipstick as our lips brush together. "But somehow the world still would come to an end if you left when the day was done at five like a normal woman."

She glances at her watch and her eyebrows go up in alarm.

"Or six..." I tease as I tap her watch. "I'd even take seven."

Olivia extends her bottom lip in a pout. "Gregory, I-" She drops her head. "I love you?" She offers as she throws her arms around my neck.

"Is that a question?" I pick her up and balance her on the edge of the counter. "I love you?"

"No, it's not a question." She tosses back her head and bites her lip, as if she's nervous. "I love you, I love you, I love YOU, Gregory Richards."

I cup her face and stare into her eyes. Those bottomless blue eyes. "I suppose then the least I can do is give you some supper. I thought you'd be late, so I started it late. It'll be done in five minutes."

"Oh darling, you're too good to me." She kisses my forehead and smiles in giddy disbelief. "How'd you know I'd be late? And why make me feel so terrible about it?"

"Because I know you." I trace the line of her lips thoughtfully. "And I love it when you bite your lip like that."

Olivia slaps my shoulder and drops off the counter to find some plates in the cupboard. "What kind of wine goes with Alex's special chicken curry?"

"White. There's a riesling on the wine rack, near the bottom."

------

May 1997

The water laps up at my feet and Alex lifts her head from my shoulder to nod in answer to my quiet apology. "I want you to be happy."

"It's not that you didn't make me happy. God Alex, you were the only happy spot in my life when I needed you the most." I wrap my hands around her shoulders. "And the last thing I want to do is hurt you."

She takes my hand and rests it on her lap. "I'm not hurt Gregory. I'm your friend, and I'll be there for you. Whether or not you're getting along with Olivia." Reaching for her coffee cup, she rescues it from the sand and takes a long sip. "Just because we're not sharing a bed, doesn't mean you can't still come visit me."

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. "You're not angry?"

She turns my head roughly to stare right into my eyes. "No. I'm not angry. Believe it or not, I'm a lonely woman. It was nice to have you for the time I did, and that'll be enough for me."

I shouldn't believe her, but there's truth in her eyes. "Thank you." It sounds shallow, seems like a poor thing to say to someone who saved me from myself.

Alex drops her head to my shoulder and runs nimble fingers up my arm. "Don't worry about it. I always knew Olivia would realize what she was missing and want you back. The best feeling in the world is being with someone you love. Even if you're Olivia and if she doesn't keep you, send her to me."

For some reason my eyes are stinging, but I don't bother to wipe them. Alex will understand if I cry. I don't know how, but she always manages to understand.

"I'll do that."

-------------

"I did it for you." I whisper, even though it sounds as stupid to me as it must to her. "I let Elaine get away her lie. I let her leave town. Because of me that b1tch Julianna Deschanel stole Alex's baby instead of Elaine's. My best friend, my Alex's baby."

Olivia sighs heavily before leaning down into the desk. "What did you do?"

"I went to see Elaine. She said she was only a five months pregnant, not eight. That she knew after he ran, that AJ's mother would never let her raise his baby. Julianna's too controlling, Elaine wasn't good enough. She didn't think anyone would be good enough." The words just keep tumbling out. "I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I thought Julianna would give up."

My throat tightens suddenly. "I never dreamed she'd take Alex's baby. I swear to you I had no idea. I just didn't want any more pain."

Her hand on my shoulder makes me jump for a moment, until I take it and feel our fingers entwine. I'm safe. "I thought if Elaine was gone, out of town, you'd be free. You could stop thinking about AJ and why he left you, why he let you go."

"Darling-" It's been ages until she called me that with any gentleness in her voice. "You didn't have too."

"I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to be free from AJ." I sigh and sink back against her desk. I close my eyes and realize the darker truth within. "I wanted you."

Olivia smiles at me as she runs her cool little fingers across my temple and through my hair. I've missed her smiling at me and I dare not even wonder what's behind that little smile.

"I'm glad that I told you." I rest my hands on her shoulders and tell myself again that I've done the right thing. I'm back in her eyes. Alex was right. Nothing feels better than being with the one person you love.

She sighs happily and I breathe in the sweet scent of her perfume as she kisses my cheek. "So am I darling."

Her eyes burn into mine. I should turn away and let her deal with the revelation I sprung on her. Olivia has to need some time to deal with my confession.

But instead she crushes her lips against mine. I gasp in surprise and melt into the kiss. It begins with a sweetness that would be enough. I'm entirely content with her smile. We pull apart, letting the silence tease both of us. I try to steel myself to walk away. I can't let myself think about how beautiful she is if she isn't ready for me.

We haven't made love since that terrible night on the sofa. We kissed a little a few nights back, when she came back to our bed but neither of us was ready to go further. I don't think I can tell her how amazing it was to wake up that morning with her next to me. Morning had promise again when she smiled at me on her way to work.

I force myself to smile at her as I remind myself to give her space. Lean back against the desk and let her be the one to leave. Olivia wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me in. Her lips taste new, like the promise of lazy summer mornings in bed next to her. Her tongue parts mine and flutters into my mouth. I'm not going to be able to walk away. Not with her body pressed against mine.

Out of options, I give in to the impulse to kiss her back as if I'll never get to kiss her again. I toy with her bottom lip between both of my own as she moves her fingers around and forward to cup my face. Panting a little, we look at each other. I ask if she really wants to do this and she insists that she's forgiven me. I wish she wouldn't be so gentle with me, but her love is pure in her eyes. She'd hate me if she knew where I was an hour ago.

Alex is behind me. She's not my lover anymore. I don't need her when Olivia kisses me like this.

She reaches for my shirt and our eyes meet again. Without speaking, we agree. There's a simple beauty in being able to finish a conversation in the time it takes her to smile gently. Olivia starts to pull my shirt from my pants. I reach for the oversize buttons of her double breasted blazer. Flying nimbly up the buttons of my shirt, Olivia has it open in the time it takes me to pull her blazer down from her shoulders. She backs me into the desk as she starts on the zipper of my trousers.

I pull her blazer off of her arms as I enjoy the sheet fabric of the shirt beneath her jacket. She always wears the most beautiful things to the office. Olivia's breasts swell against the sheer white over her camisole, but my admiration of them is cut short by a teasing hand inside my pants.

I choke on my laughter. "Should we go upstairs?"

Shaking her head as she purrs into my neck, Olivia pulls me away from the desk. "No." She stand on her tiptoes and pushes me down to my knees in front of her. "Right here, on the rug."

I run my hands appreciatively up over her thighs to grasp her waist. I remember picking out the intricately patterned rich blue Persian. We were young and innocent then. There's innocence in her eyes again now as she reaches for the zipper on the back of her skirt. One black heel rests gently on my chest as she presses me back to the floor. I wrap my fingers around the expensive black leather and run my hand over it to cup her calf.

She removes her foot from my my chest to slip out of her short black skirt. She's wearing the dark silk hose with the deep red lace on the top and the garters that lead to her waist stand out like calligraphy on her pale skin. She uses her heel to part my shirt, teasing it open before settling down to straddle my waist. I undo my cuffs as I wrap my hands around her neck to pull her closer this time. Olivia breaks the kiss as she sit up to remover her camisole. I graps her chest, tucking thumbs in just beneath her breasts as she teases me with the rotating of her hips against me.

Reaching down to her waist, she pulls the sheer little top over her head in a smooth motion. I sigh with patient approval as her breasts slide free of the fabric. The garter belt's still on her waist, dark with lace against the smooth curve inward at the top of her hips. I tease my fingers over it, dancing upwards towards her breasts as she grinds a little more insistently over me. I can feel the dampness of her through the thin silk of my boxers.

I cup the perfection of her breasts in my hands as she leans down to search my mouth for the last of my secrets with her tongue. Olivia moans in pleasure as I tease the often ignored skin on the underside of her breasts. Abusing the sensitive tips edges her onward and she runs her own teasing hand down my stomach. She runs that hand up the inside of her own leg as she stands up slowly. Olivia frees the black lace of her panties from her hips and steps out of them with agonizing speed.

I'm not nearly as careful with my pants as I slide them off and kick them away. Her hose stay on. She likes them too much to rush with the garters, and I can't help liking the effect. Silk slides against my thighs as she lowers herself over me. I force myself to wait. To concentrate on the way her hair tumbles down free over her shoulders when she finally frees it from the elaborate french knot. It's exquisite, the play of the shadows it leaves across her chest. Olivia's a picture of contrast. The rich, bright blue of her eyes, the darkness of her hair, smooth ivory skin and that bruised red of her lips.

She decides when to take me inside of her, and the moment she does I have to remind myself that letting go now is hardly the option. Olivia starts to rock against me, tilting her head back as she groans the hint of my name. I wrap one hand around her lower back to steady her and sneak the other one down to push her faster. Grinding against my bent knuckle puts that edge in her voice that suggests we're on more even ground.

Her eyes snap open, burning through my own into the floor and the earth beyond. Olivia has the kind of stare that makes the rest of existence seem a dull shadow of her intensity. I'm tempted to shut my eyes and let my body give in to her, but then I'd miss her eyes. She's in her eyes. Her soul's not quite ready to reach out, but at least she's ready to let me reach in.

She grows tight, breath hissing as she loses her control. I can feel my own start to waver, but it's her eyes that send me over the edge. The blue ring of her irises circle the darkness that spins outwards to meet me. Olivia forces us to stay with each other because she refuses to break our connection. Her eyes reach out and drag me into darkness. Wet, hot blackness collapses around me as she cries out. Sound pierces the prison of her eyes and I shudder free within her as she drops to my chest.

Still shaking, I stroke her head as she catches her breath. After a few moments she kisses my chest. Then she works her way higher, stopping as she plants her lips at the base of my throat. The skin suggests with a dull ache that it may be marked when I look in the mirror tomorrow.

"You're still mine." She whispers proudly as she snuggles back against my chest.

I stare up at the ceiling and wish I could tell her there was never any doubt. I've always been hers, even when I'm drifting. Even when I don't know where I am. With her, I'm home.


	12. coffee isn't breakfast

**November 1975**

I never rush into things. I'm cautious, I wait. I try to be responsible. I think things through logically. For god's sake, I'm a lawyer. I can't be impulsive. But here I am. Wearing this ridiculously beautiful white dress and waiting on baited breath for Gregory to tell the whole world that he loves me. He loves me enough to spend the rest of my life with me.

I could get up in front of the Supreme Court without this feeling in my knees. Just watch him. I remind myself. He knows what he's doing. He believes in this, us- Gregory believes and he says so. He stares right into my eyes and tells the whole damn world that I'm all he wants in the world.

I should run, now, save him the embarrassment and the pain of the long slow end to our marriage that must be coming eventually. We can't be happy forever. He's holding my hands. He's smiling at me. Waiting. Everyone's waiting.

"I do." It just slips out, my heart defeating my mind and winning control of me.

It whirls by in a haze of Gregory's smile and the warmth of his hands on mine. Other people talk, Gregory listens intently and I just keep staring at him. Maybe if I watch him long enough it will all start to make sense. The pounding of my heart and the way it quiets only when he's holding my hands.

He suddenly takes my arm and folds it around his. He has to nudge my a little to remind me to start walking and the chapel fills with music and the thunderous sound of people clapping. We're done. I remind myself again that the ceremony was meaningless. We were married the minute we signed the certificate this morning. At least in the eyes of the law, and that should be all that matters to me.

Instead of that, all I can think about is his hand on my arm. The warmth of his fingers is more sacred then any vows I wasn't listening too. He kisses my cheek as we come to a halt on the steps of the church. "We did it."

I shake my head slowly in disbelief. "Now what do we do?"

Gregory's thumb catches on the inner part of my elbow. "Everything." He promises easily, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. "Starting in Florence."

I blush as his gaze travels down the bodice of my dress. He's the only one who can do that.

Alex runs up to him and throws her arms around his neck. She's as confident and giddy as he is. "You two are just adorable."

Del agrees as he lifts my hands to his lips and kisses it. "You are miles beyond lovely Olivia. I'm not sure if he deserves you."

Gregory squeezes my waist as he takes me away from Del. "I don't. She just hasn't figured it out yet."

"Don't ever let her!" Bette suggests as she kisses us both and starts to laugh. "Be happy. Be happy for all of us-" She gestures to Alex and Del with her bouquet and winks. "Who aren't as lucky in love."

"Thank you." I add when I find my voice. "Thank you all so much." Our strange wedding party smiles and nods as Gregory's family invades.

----------------

Alex clinks her fork against her crystal champagne flute. Until the reception chatter comes to a halt. "It's just come to my attention that as best man-"

A soft titter of amusement goes through the crowd. Our odd wedding party took up the whole left hand column of the society pages last week. It took me nearly an hour to talk Del out of showing up in his own version of the bridesmaids' dresses. Gregory's mother would have made the wedding the shortest in history.

"I get to pray upon all of your good natures and bend your ears on and on about my best friend and the woman who loves him." She glances around the room for effect and continues. Her heavy gold earrings, something unique from her travels, glint in the sunlight as her head bobs in amusement.

"I've known Gregory since he was kind enough to show a poor, lost photography student where the art building was. I remember that young, bookish history major bursting into the brightest blush I've ever seen when I kissed his cheek in thanks." Blowing a kiss at him in remembrance, Alex winks at Gregory as he threatens to blush again. "I knew then that whomever was lucky enough to snag him was going to be getting quite a catch."

"I was, of course, entirely swept up in his good looks and gentle manner back then." Smiling confidentially, she turns away from us as if she's sharing a secret with the crowd. "It wasn't until later that I learned he was loaded, a charmingly hopeless romantic, and the kind of cook that makes you swoon when he mentions anything in French."

"I was too foolish to realize what I was missing by letting him get away." As she rests her hand on his shoulder a stab of jealous runs through me as he smiles up at her adoringly. Would he rather be sitting next to her? Was I just in the right place at the right time?

"I should have known it wouldn't take long for a woman like Olivia Blake, the rising star of southern California's legal community to realize how wonderful Gregory is. After all, she is the brightest star to fall into Massey-Greysolon in the last fifty years."

Gregory touches my hand on all my jealous evaporates into the sweet smell of lilacs in the air. He loves me. He married me. No one else matters. Not to us.

"I can only hope she puts half as much effort into him as she does her work." More laughter, Alex knows her audience all too well.

"To my dear, dear friends." Her eyes mist over slightly as she slips into the serious part of her toast. "Ordinary love is a lone star in a sky of billions, but true love- soul searing-heart wrenching-bring the house down-operatic love is as rare as our little blue-green planet."

"Treasure it. Protect it. Put each other before the everything else and wrap yourselves up in the kind of the love the rest of us only dream about. Be happy. Be sad and melancholy and angry. Scream at each other and throw things. Make love with wild disregard for anything breakable and remember to never go to bed angry. Just keep loving each other."

"Love is the expression of divine power on this Earth, and you two have a responsibility to light up everyone around you with your love. Because that power can never run out."

"Gregory, Olivia- May your journeys together bring you closer to each other and your travels apart bring you home to each other. You have my blessing, all my best wishes, and my love. Always."

My eyes sting. Gregory's nearly crying outright as he reaches to hug her to him.

Del nudges me and grins wickedly. "I'm glad I spoke first darlin'. She makes me look like the illiterate ex-cowpoke I am."

I swallow my years and force myself to laugh. "You always say you can take the rustler out of Texas-"

"I wouldn't worry 'bout me rustling anything." Del points to Alex as Gregory kisses her cheek. "You weren't in town when she got hitched to that no good John Mitchum. Gregory was this close to stealing her away for himself."

I nearly drop my champagne glass. I have to grimace to keep a smile on my face. "You are treading on dangerously thin ice."

"Just want you to know who you married darlin'. That's all." He tries to kiss my cheek but I pull coldly away. "There's a gorgeous little blonde by the bar just dyin' to make my acquaintance. If you'll excuse me."

Shaken more than I care to admit, I stare down at my empty plate and let the anger towards Del boil away my fear. He's just jealous. He couldn't love me the way Gregory does. Gregory married me. Not Alex. Me. I'm the one who matters.

He turns back to me, tilting his head to draw my attention up away from the table. As soon as I look at him, he bursts into that smile that melts my heart whenever I see it.

"You wouldn't be hungry if you ate breakfast like a normal person." He's been dying to use his concerned husband voice ever since we got engaged.

"I had breakfast."

"I love you, but coffee isn't breakfast."

"I like the first part." I trace his chin and shake my head playfully. "But I'm going to pretend I didn't hear the last part."

"Then I love you." He repeats simply. "I intend to say that every time I see you."

I giggle as I rest my forehead against his. "Might be a little inappropriate in court."

"I know a good lawyer, if I ever get in trouble." Gregory's hand teases my thigh through the many layers of satin.

"Do you?"

He nuzzles my neck and I forget about everything but being in love with him. "The best."

-------------------

**June 1997**

I reach for my coffee and set it back down on my desk as the sour feeling in my stomach returns. Alex's arrest report lies open on my desk. Most of it's fairly damming. Her finger prints on the gun that shot Elaine. A gun registered to her that she claims went missing from her luggage in the hotel.

Gregory says she's innocent. He begged me this morning to represent her. That's when the nausea started. When he looked up from kissing my stomach and begged me to represent Alex at her trial.

"She needs you Liv." The memory of his plea pounds through my head and adds fuel to my headache.

I glance across the DA's pre-trial notes and sigh in agreement. "She might need more than just me darling." If she's guilty I'd owe her one. I can't say Elaine's death didn't give me pleasure. Any woman who touches my husband deserves the same fate.

Unfortunately, the case against Alex is solid. Too solid for a case that's stood open this long. If SBPD had the gun since the murder, they should have arrested Alex months ago. It's too convenient that they found it now. Gregory said Julianna Deschanel stole Alex's baby. AJ's mother, the woman who didn't think I was good enough for her son.

I tap the intercom on my desk.

"Carol- I want you to get Casey Deschanel on my schedule this afternoon."

"Of course ma'am.' She responds immediately. "Are you sure you don't want him this morning?"

"No, I have to visit the police station this morning. Tell my callers I'll get back to them tomorrow." I'll save the ghosts for the afternoon. Perhaps my stomach will have settled by then. Maybe Gregory's right and all the mornings where I've finished a pot of coffee and headed off to the office are starting to catch up to me.

------------------

The officers usher Alex into the little interview room. How she manages to be the same sunny woman in her blue prison jumpsuit as she was the last time I saw her is beyond me. She looks better then I feel. The drive over here just added to my nausea.

"It was good of you to come." Alex offers simply as she takes the seat across from me.

"Gregory said you needed a lawyer." I swallow and stare at the weak cup of coffee one of the officers gave me. Even the smell is making my stomach turn.

"They sent me a nice young man from the office of legal aid. I suppose I could have hired someone-"

I wave her quiet as I push the coffee away. "I'm the best."

"I know." Contently settling back in her chair, she looks me over. "Are you all right?"

"Gregory always says I should eat more for breakfast."

"Coffee isn't breakfast." She repeats softly. "I've heard the lecture." Alex takes a sip and grins impishly. "Not that I've listened."

Gregory gave her the same lecture. Did he use the same tone of voice? I shake it away. I have no reason to be jealous of Alex.

"Let's talk about your case-"

Alex takes my head off my briefcase, startling me slightly. "There's something you need to know first. Before you agree to take my case."

I pat her hand with my best patronizing tone. "I don't care if you did it or not. Gregory doesn't want you to go to prison and that's-"

"That's not it." Alex looks at the table for a second and then right into my eyes. "Gregory and I were lovers."

I rip my hand back as if she's stung me. "Years ago. Before we were married..." I guess hopefully, praying she'll agree with me.

"Recently." Her eyes cut straight into my heart. Gregory's kissed her lips. He ran his fingers through her hair.

I'm going to be sick.

"You were going through a rough patch." She should stop talking now. If she knew what was best for her she would. "I was lonely. I've always had feelings for him-"

"Stop." My chair groans as I shove it back from the table. "Just stop." I start for the door, forcing myself not to flee from her.

She blocks me. Standing in front of the door she's a fragile barrier between me and the lies I'd rather live with. But she won't move. "I seduced him. I wanted him. He's my best friend and I took advantage of him in the worse possible way. It didn't mean anything to him."

"Stop talking." I hiss with more fury than I've ever felt before. He took her to bed. He was inside of her.

"He choose you." I pull away from her but she's stronger than she looks. "As soon as you wanted him again it was over. He's still yours Olivia."

I swallow harshly and rip my arms from her hands. "My secretary will be in touch."

"He loves you." Alex continues as I pretend I can't hear her anywhere. "I was just there."

I'm not going to let her see me throw up. I'm not- "I wasn't." I whisper before I can stop myself.

"Hate me." Alex offers as she touches my shoulder. "I betrayed you both,"

"My office will call you." Pick up the briefcase. Walk away. Dammit Olivia, you can do this.

"Liv-"

She says it just to infuriate me. She knows only Gregory can say that. She wants to draw my anger like a lightning rod.

"Btch." Hissing the expletive only releases the flood. I should have control. I have control. "No one is allowed to call me that."

"It was my fault." Alex insists as the strength drains from my legs. "Hate me. Not Gregory."

I lash out, slamming my own briefcase off the table. It crashes on the floor, but the expensive clasp holds fast. "I have to go."

"He loves you." She touches me again and I can't move to push her away.

If I move I'll have to throw up. "Shut up." I'm not letting her see that.

"Gregory loves you. He'd do anything for you." He won't remain faithful for me. He won't honor his vows. He didn't tell me the truth. "He needs you. I was a distraction, a diversion. A poor substitute."

"Go home to him. Tell him you can't represent me. Tell him what he has to do to make it up to you."

I force myself out of my chair. I have to stand up. I have to get out of this room. "I'm taking your case. How I deal with Gregory is my business."

"Olivia-"

"I appreciate your honesty."

"Olivia-" Alex whirls me back towards her. "People make mistakes but love forgives them."

"I'm afraid I don't believe in love anymore."

She lets me go, but neither of us believe me. I'm an open wound and she sees right through my facade.

"Yes you do."

As soon as the car door shuts the tears come, but I force them back. I sniff them away until they condense into a pounding headache. I wait until I can trust my voice to be still before I call Carol. I can't deal with Deschanels today. I just want to go home. To look into his eyes and-

I don't think I know. I start the car anyway. I turn down Santa Ana Street. I'll be home in a few minutes. I don't know what I'm going to say. Or even how I'm going to look at him. I just want him to hold me.

His classes aren't until the afternoon and I find him exactly where I expected to. Sitting on the patio with his course notes in one hand and a stack of books at the other. He has coffee, but it's surrounded by croissants, fruit and the remnants of one of Rose's famous omelets. He doesn't see me. He's talking with his hands as he runs through his lecture in his mind.

What would it be like to come home to an empty house? To go to bed without him next to me?

I lean back against the doorway and wait for my stomach to calm. How can I be afraid to face him? He's just one man. I've been in front of the California Supreme Court and I didn't even bat an eyelash.

But I didn't love them. I've never loved anyone the way I love him. Even my children. I couldn't trust them not to leave me. Not the way I trusted Gregory.

But I can't trust him anymore. I can't- I sway, feet as unsteady as my heart. The door creaks as I cling to it for support and Gregory's shocked out of Ancient Europe.

"Olivia?" He points to the chair next to him. "Do you have time for breakfast?"

I try to smile, but relief makes me weaker than anger. "I was hoping you'd be here."

"I'm always here." He pulls but the chair for me, but starts out of his as soon as I slip down the door frame. "But you- you look like hell."

"Must be coming down with something." I explain as his hands close around my arms.

He kisses my forehead, feeling the temperature with his lips. "You're sweating but you don't have a fever. Come here, let me take you in. You shouldn't be out in the sun." He walks me inside, leading me to the sofa.

I should hate him for betraying me. I should throw him out on the street right now.

"Did you eat breakfast sweetheart?" He settles down next to me on the sofa, work forgotten the moment I needed him.

"I had coffee."

Gregory's laughter threatens to put my heart back together. In spite of everything, I'm suddenly glad I came home. "Coffee isn't breakfast Liv." He runs his hand down my arm. "When you feel better I'll make you a real breakfast. Then you can go back to work."

I let my eyes close. "What if I don't feel better?"

"I'll call the school for a substitute." Everything's so simple when Gregory says it. "Although they might not believe me."

"Oh?"

"I've been working there ten years and I've never once asked for a day off to take care of my wife." Gregory chuckles as he reaches for the phone and disappears to the other room.

"I haven't been sick." I realize as he returns to my side. "I haven't been sick in ten years."

He rests his hands on the back of the sofa as he leans down to kiss me. "I still love you."


	13. taking care

July 1976

It's funny how easy it is to sink into routine. Olivia leaves early in the morning. She won't let me make her breakfast because she just picks at it as she drinks her coffee. I've never been able to take no for an answer and even though she barely speaks I love to watch her as I eat my breakfast.

There's something so amazing in the way she smiles sleepily over her coffee before she digs out her work to start the day. When we first got married, she didn't go to the office until ten, or sometimes even after lunch. Now she gets up before six. She swims laps and gets into the shower.

I love the way the bathroom smells when she's done. The lavender of her shampoo is almost tempting enough for me to wash my own hair with it. Bette would never let me hear the end of it if she knew I thought about it every time I get into the shower. I'd do anything to keep that part of Olivia with me while she's at work all day. I can usually sneak in after her while the bathroom's still warm with steam. Today she's running a little behind and it's a rush to get her out the door on time.

"Can you make it home for lunch?" I hand her the briefcase and wait for her to kiss me.

Olivia runs through her schedule in her mind, shaking her head. "No darling. I'm a little behind." She looks tired, but she does her best to smile for me. "I see you tonight."

Running my hands through her hair, I hug her impulsively. A long goodbye might just make her late, but it'll be worth it. "You don't have to save the world every day Liv. It might be okay to let the other lawyers do some of the work, some of the time."

She laughs a little. "I'd love to stay home with you darling. Play hooky for a day..." Toying with the edge of my robe, Olivia takes her briefcase from me. "I just have so much to do. They're talking about making me a partner. I can't let that slip away. You know how much that would mean to us."

"Liv, I don't care what you do for a living. You could never go to work again and I'd still love you."

Kissing me quickly, Olivia shakes her head. "You might not like me as a bum. I'd spend all your money."

I lift her hands as she holds on to her briefcase and kiss the knuckles playfully. "It's your money too darling. You can spend it however you like."

"I love you." She whispers gently. "But I have to go. I really am behind at the office."

"Is that why you fell asleep in your study last night?" She looked like a fallen angel with her dark head fast asleep on the pile of papers on her desk.

She rests in my arms for a moment and nods. "Thanks for rescuing me."

"Anytime sweetheart." I kiss her again, lingering on the taste of coffee on her lips. "I'll see you for dinner. Maybe I'll make your favorite."

"You're the best darling." Olivia pauses one more second before escaping to the car. She waves to me, blowing me a kiss before she climbs into the beautiful green convertible my father and I picked out for her last Christmas. The only time in my life I've ever been shopping for anything with my father.

No surprises there. He's loved Olivia since the day he met her at the firm. She's everything he ever wanted from me. Brilliant in law and business, ambitious and driven to succeed at all costs. If I was as exhausted as she's been lately I would have let her talk me into staying home. I would have taken care of her.

I'd jump at the chance to take care of her. She's always in control of everything. She picked out our house, the beautiful mansion at the head of Ocean Avenue seemed to extravagant when she brought me to it for the first time.

The furniture my sisters picked out helped make it seem like home. I remember Patty laughing when I explained how little and lost I felt in it. She was a saint when she brought home the bed. It's an original, hand carved centuries ago and shipped across the Atlantic. Olivia didn't understand the symbolism or why I was so excited that our marriage bed had a history.

"Everything important is built on history. I'd like us to be." Olivia laughed, reminding me that all the history in the world isn't as much fun as what she wanted to do in our bed.

She plans our vacations, she even picks out my clothes when we go shopping. The only thing she lets me do is cook. She's even talked of getting a housekeeper to keep me from slaving away in the kitchen.

Olivia doesn't understand how I can like something as tedious as cooking. I leave my robe on the back of the kitchen door and turn on the radio as I start my stock for dinner tonight. If I get it going now, I'll have enough time to work on my research while I wait for it to boil down.

Ol' blue eyes croons love songs as I chop up the onions I need for my chicken stock. It's a bit warm out for prisciutto stuffed chicken breast, but Olivia could use something hearty. She's been so pale for the last few weeks. I add white wine as Frank begins a duet I know. It's funny to be embarrassed as I sing along.

Olivia's allergic to all kinds of furry creatures, we don't even have a pet to hear me and stare up at me in quiet amusement. A few more songs and all the vegetables are swimming on low heat as they boil down to the chicken stock I'll need tonight. It's still only eight am. I have time to make bread.

I dig up the cook book from the lower shelf by the oven and soon I'm up to my wrists in sticky bread dough. The steady rhythm of kneading lets my mind wander, and as it always does lately, it wanders to my thesis.

I've collected all the research, there's a stack of books five feet high around the desk in our library. Olivia has the study after all, but the library suits me better. I don't need an imposing desk to meet with my clients. All I need is a chair and a lamp to read by.

I tuck the bread into a bowl and cover it with a dish cloth as I tuck it up in a warm place above the stove. I'm a mess now, covered in flour and bits of vegetables. Cleaning up the kitchen is something I could handle having someone else do. Olivia's never been one for doing dishes.

I often wonder if she'd even remember to eat if I didn't make dinner together a requirement of our marriage. Dinner four days a week didn't seem like too much to ask. She's been able to keep the bargain, even if she's yawned her way through the last few. Something's draining her dauntless energy lately.

I drop the sponge in the sink and head up to shower. Might as well be clean before I settle down to try and coax a thesis out of my copious notes. Maybe I should have just been a lawyer like Olivia. Less creative thinking involved.

The shower comes on with a hiss of hot water and I drop my pajamas into the hamper before I step into it. Olivia invades my thoughts, as she always does, but instead of fighting it and trying to force my mind back to my thesis I let my mind wander.

I can't help wondering what she's doing at the office. Do thoughts of me float through her head while she's trying to work? Is she happy? Does she think about me and smile?

The foam from the shampoo runs down my back and then it hits me. Pepin the Short and the Carolingians. It's perfect. I shut off the water and grab my robe from the hook on the wall as I run down to the library, completely headless of the fact that I'm dripping water and leftover soap onto the cool stone floor of the library. That doesn't matter.

The fact that I'm standing there naked and soaking through my robe matters little as well. What matters is that I know what to write. My hand flies across the legal pad that's been standing empty, waiting for me to come up with the right words. Now the right words fly from the tip of the pen, as if they've been hiding there all along.

I don't know how long I was standing there, pouring my mind out onto the page. I barely even noticed she was there until her laughter shocked me out of my daze.

"Liv?" I whirl around, tying my robe as I pull her into my arms. I couldn't be happier kissing her. Having her home for lunch is the perfect surprise. The icing on the cake. She may not be interested in the subject matter, but she has to appreciate how fantastic it is that I finally know what to write.

"Why didn't you tell me you'd be home for lunch?" Giddy, I bury my head in her hair and lift her up to twirl her around.

"No don't. Stop!" She cries out quickly before I can spin her.

Confused, and almost hurt I stop immediately to look down at her face.

"I'm a little dizzy. That's all."

I lead her to the chair and sit her down as I kneel on the floor in front of her. "Are you all right? Did Massey send you home sick?"

"Greysolon actually." She responds with the smallest of wry smiles. "I fainted." She seems more embarrassed than concerned, but my heart skips a beat. "I was supposed to be presenting my closing for the Miekiel case, but everything just went dark."

She covers my mouth when I start to voice the concerns pouring through my mind. "Before you call out the National Guard, I've already been to the doctor and I'm fine."

"Just overworked?" I guess as I run my hands over her knees. "Maybe you should slow down a little."

Olivia leans back to look at the ceiling, sighing heavily as she tilts her head back. "I'm going to have too."

Now I know something's wrong, but I can't find the words to ask. I can't lose her. My blood's cold and still.

"Just for awhile though." Olivia manages to smile but I can tell it took great effort.

"Liv-"

"Tell me you love me." Olivia whispers as she leans down to kiss the top of my head. "Please."

"I love you." I respond immediately. "God Liv, there's no doubt of that."

"No matter what?"

Everything about her is desperate for reassurance. Her hands wrap tight around mine, her shoulders are hunched, she looks like something terrible is going to come storming through the door behind me. "I don't think I'm capable of not loving you. You're part of me. So much that I don't know where I end when we're together."

I pull her hands down over my heart, feeling the chill of her fingers start to warm against my skin. "It's probably something I should be worried about, but I feel whole when I'm with you. You're sunlight and dust and moldy old books. You're my Cleopatra, Hatshepsut, Elizabeth the first, and Boudicea. Everything I love in the world."

Olivia starts to laugh, and drops her head to my chest as I switch our places and take her into my lap. "Tell me what it is and we'll make it all right."

"Oh Gregory, darling, I'm pregnant." She wraps her arms around my neck and holds on as I start to laugh. I've never heard better news. I've never read a better story. This is it, life at it's most precious and beautiful.

"Sweetheart-" I whisper into her hair as her shoulders start to shake. She's terrified. She'd never let me keep holding her under normal circumstances. "Liv- it's going to be wonderful."

She shakes her head and refuses to pull it from my shoulder. "I can't-"

Pulling her closer, I run my hands over her back and wonder if the way daddy was writing his thesis nearly naked will make it into a story some day. Daddy has the oddest ring to it. It echoes in my head and settles into my heart.

"You can do anything." I whisper seriously. I've never believed in anyone the way I believe in her. "Absolutely anything."

Olivia's reply is nearly inaudible. If I hadn't heard it, I don't think I would have believed she was the who said it. But she did. She curled up in my arms and admitted something I'd never expected to hear from her.

"Not without you." She swallows nervously and snuggles deeper into my chest. "You just take this in stride. You manage to be happy. When the doctor told me I laughed. I refused to believe it. I thought I'd been so careful."

"It's all right Liv. Nothing's foolproof."

"Ninety-nine percent wasn't enough." She swallows again and i realize the warm wetness on my chest is tears. Her tears. "Why couldn't it be enough?"

"I can understand why you'd be upset. We haven't talked about having a baby." She shudders slightly, catching the meaning behind my words. She hasn't talked about it. I talk babies with Alex at least once a month. Bette thinks fatherhood will be good for me. Give me someone to take care of who likes being taken care of for once.

Olivia pulls herself together and slips off my lap. "I should let you get dressed."

"There's no hurry." I hang on to her hand a moment. "I've had more serious discussions absolutely naked before."

Even the gentle allusion to our marriage proposal doesn't make her smile more than reflexively. She doesn't want to talk about the baby. If I let her the conversation will be on something else all day long.

I smile and give in. "I'll be right back down darling." Finally, however weakly, she squeezes back.

"I'll be here."

I walk slowly until I hit the staircase, then I break into a run up the stairs to our bedroom. A baby. A beautiful, sweet, perfect little baby. Our baby. A living reminder of how much we love each other. It's the best news I've ever heard but Olivia looks like she's lost the biggest case of her career.

I pull on my clothes in a hurry, not even bothering to look for socks. Running my fingers through my hair makes me just presentable enough. I hurry back downstairs. She's not in the living room. I quick check of the study finds it empty as well. I'm heading for the kitchen when she calls me.

"I'm still in here Gregory." And she is, curled up like a kitten in the sunshine from the picture window. She doesn't spend much time in the library. Usually she leaves it to me, preferring to work herself to death in the study. "It's peaceful in here."

"That's why I like it." My notes have moved to her lap. She must have to decided to read them while she was waiting for me.

"This is brilliant." She smiles at me softly as she moves over to make room for me next to her. "Some of your best really."

"I think it's going to be my thesis." I admit with a proud smile. "Finally came up with something I like."

"In the shower?" She raises an eyebrow as she sets them down on the floor by her shoes.

"I get my best ideas there." I lean forward to kiss her cheek. "You know that."

Olivia takes my hands. "It seems we're both going to busy. I'm going to be made partner as soon as I finish this case and you're going to turn in your thesis and start working on your doctorate."

I push my notes further out of the way and turn her so she's in my arms again. "There's no rush. You can be partner or senator, or president. Whatever you want and I'll be daddy until I get my thesis done."

"Take the baby to all of those graduate classes?" It sends a rush of warmth through my chest to hear her say baby.

"More like teach the baby to nap in the library." I fold my hands around her little waist and try to imagine a baby beneath there.

She sighs as she strokes my hands. "You're going to make this work. Aren't you?"

"For you, I could do anything."

Olivia pauses thoughtfully on my wedding ring. "Are you going to say that a year from now, when you've been up all night with a screaming baby and you're just trying to find a moment to do anything for yourself?"

"I might be a little jealous when you run off to work and leave me in the land of diapers and baby blankets. But I'll manage-" I sigh happily as I remember holding my nieces as babies. "We'll manage. I've wanted to have children with you ever since I saw you play with the girls. You're the most intelligent, sweetest, most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. I don't know what you're doing with me."

"Because you can say things like that and mean them." Olivia closes her eyes and starts to relax for the first time since she came home. "Because you love me."

"That I do." I run my hand across her stomach and settle into the couch. "Its going to be all right. If you want to keep working, you can keep working. I won't lose anything by taking some extra time to finish my thesis. It's not like I'm in a hurry to start doing more research."

She giggles softly. "We both know how much you love your microfilm."

"I'll settle for micro-feet." She groans at the pun, and her eyes flutter open a little.

"And micro-hands, micro-cheeks, micro-little elbows... I love you Olivia. You're my wife, and now you're going to be the mother of my baby. I don't think I could have more than that." I lean down to kiss her forehead. "I certainly can't think of anything more than that."

------------------------

June 1997

A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion; A woman's gentle heart-

There's hardly anything gentle about the woman on my mind. I can't help thinking about her. I suppose if I was serious about not thinking about her I shouldn't be reading a book she gave me.

To the only poet to speak to my heart. All my love, Olivia

It's there, right inside the front cover in the neat script she saves for personal occasions. Her private handwriting, not the more masculine businesslike lettering.

And for a woman wert thou first created; till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,

I set the book down, trying to turn my attention back to the textbook in front of me. I have to condense my lecture from today into something more streamlined for my students. I reach for my syllabus, wondering if I should just move back their test. There's not much time left in the semester. I might not be able to squeeze out more than a day.

The bedroom door opens quickly and Olivia hurries in. She looks over the bed and stops, startled to see me in my pajamas with my work spread all over our bed.

"Darling-" She crosses her arms over her chest and looks a little confused. "I thought you were still in the library."

I look over at my watch on the nightstand. "It's nearly midnight. I try to go to bed by then, even if I take my work with me." I wink at her, trying to win a smile. She's been so quiet today.

"I know." She echoes softly. "I guess I just didn't realize how late it was."

Olivia heads straight for her closet, reaching for the pale blue silk robe hanging on the door.

"Getting ready for bed?" I ask as I start picking up my papers to make room for her.

Shaking her head, she pulls the robe on over her clothes and heads for the doorway slowly. "No, I've still a lot to do before I go back to work tomorrow." She watches my odd glance at her robe. "I just got cold."

I drop my work on the floor with a thud and fetch my red and black robe from my closet. "Wear this one instead, it's my favorite." I don't mention that it's a warm night. I don't ask her how she can be cold when the wind isn't even off the ocean. "Yours aren't as thick as mine." I explain as I trade her.

She pulls it tight around her immediately. Now that she's close enough I can see the trembling of her shoulders but I don't dare touch her. She's been on edge all day. I don't want to set her off now.

I pick up my book of poetry and force myself to read the same line over and over as I wait for her to leave. She doesn't want me to take care of her. She'll just be offended if I ask if she's feeling better. When she's not looking I sneak a glance at her reflection in the mirror of her closet. Her face is tight, strained with something she doesn't want to share with me.

Olivia closes her eyes and sighs heavily. There's a vibration at the end of her sigh. Are her teeth chattering? She turns around slowly and calls my gaze up from the poem I'm vainly trying to read.

"I can't get warm." She swallows and takes a slow step towards me. "I was trying to get my briefs done for Alex's case, but it just came out of nowhere."

I drop my book on the bed and catch her arms. For the second time today Olivia lets me lead her somewhere. I sit her on the corner of the bed and let her finish her explanation.

"I suddenly got dizzy and then everything got cold. I made some coffee-"

I run my hand over her shoulders, trying to coax circulation into her skin. "Do you want me to call a doctor?" Olivia's never sick. She wasn't even sick when she was pregnant. If she's admitting this now, something must be wrong. Terribly wrong.

But she shakes her head. "No, no Gregory. I just want to be warm again."

I open the covers on my side of the bed and let her slip beneath them. I wrap my arm around her chest and pull her tight against me. "You're still going to have to change before bed."

Olivia laughs so weakly it's almost a cough. "That is one of the rules isn't it?"

"No sleeping in your clothes." I quote as I pull her head up a little on the pillow.

"Are you going to undress me?" She teases without much humor, but I appreciate the attempt.

"Only after you fall asleep." I promise with droll certainty. "You're too squirmy when you're awake."

Olivia laughs for real this time and her fingers fold over mine. Her fingers are freezing and I switch our hands to warm them up. We lie there in silence for a long time. I start to wonder if I should think about undressing her and shutting off the lights.

She could be talking in her sleep when she whispers, "Do you love me?"

Only Olivia could lie in my arms and wonder. She's the only one who doesn't see the choke hold she has on every aspect of my life.

"I love you."

She starts to roll over to challenge me, but I hold her tight. "Shhh. Maybe you should try and get some sleep."

Olivia's reply is slow, but it's lighthearted enough to pass for cheerful. "I'm still in my clothes."

I reach under the blankets and start undoing the line of buttons on the front of her blouse. "I'm working on it. Just don't squirm."

"If you don't tickle-" She warms grimly. "I won't squirm."

"I haven't tickled you since-"

Olivia interrupts sadly as she lets me free her from her blouse. "Before I lost our baby."

Our baby. There's a ghost we haven't discussed in awhile. I remember when a day didn't go by where I didn't wonder what that little baby would have been like when I held him. After the miscarriage she was too serious for tickling. Too serious for love. Too serious to laugh with me. Caitlin still got through to her, but she was the only one.

Olivia squirms when I find my way to the waistband of her black linen trousers.

"What?" I ask softly as I stop moving my fingers. "What is it?"

She doesn't bother to open her eyes. "I'm sore."

I learned years ago not to ask why. Maybe she's been having an affair. Fate's payback for my dalliance with Alex. I can't help hoping he doesn't hurt her. The thought of her in pain is far worse than the idea of her with another man. What would he be like? Another heartless lawyer driven beyond the limits of human endurance? What does he do to her that would make her sore?

I let my hands rest there awhile, knitting my fingers together just below her navel. The skin there's cool, like the rest of her body. Perhaps the warmth of my hands will relax it away. After a few minutes her breathing is quiet, rhythmic almost. She's still as I drop her clothes over the edge of the bed.

My robe will have to do as a nightgown because I don't have the heart to force her out of bed to change. As I reach across to shut off the light, Olivia blinks sleepily up at me.

"You never told me what your lecture was about."

I chuckle and lay back next to her. Surprisingly she turns back into my arms. Her head finds a place on my chest and I remove the heavy clip from her hair. It runs out between my fingers, soft like dark water. "The lecture I was practicing when you came home?"

Another nod, the sheets rustle as she pulls the blankets up. I assist her, pulling them all the way up to the nape of her neck. "Still cold?"

Olivia just pulls closer. Tighter against my side. Maybe an affair has come to an end. Perhaps she's lonely. Of the hundred reasons a wife needs her husband's arms, none of them fit her.

"Childeric was the beginning of a dynasty in France. The 'long-haired kings' as they were known then or the Merovingians as we know them now."

Her breathing slows again. It may be nearly impossible to get Olivia to take a nap during the day, but listening to me drone about history always quiets her. "Childeric's son, Clovis the first, united most of Gaul under the Fleur de Lis. That was actually added to the crest after he rode into battle with one in his hair."

A tangle in her hair catches in my fingers and she startles slightly. "Do you ever imagine riding into battle?" Olivia wonders as her hand moves slightly across my chest.

"No." I answer with a quiet smile for the dark ceiling. "I imagine you riding home from one with your wild hair streaming out behind you as you throw off your helmet and ride your war horse into the castle."

"Drenched in blood and the muck of the battle?" I can hear the disdain in her voice.

"Of course." I tease as I work my way through the tangle. "Still covered in gore you strut victorious to your war room, ready to mark the fruits of your labor on the map on the wall."

She chuckles, lifting her head just enough to change her position on my chest before going still again. "Where are you through this strange gothic fantasy of yours?"

"I wait." I offer simply, embarrassed by the simplicity of my fantasies. "When you let me I take off your armor and wash the blood out of your hair. You tell me that the battle is won and the kingdom is safe again. I smile. I knew you'd never lose to an inferior tactician."

She's so still she must be asleep. I wouldn't let myself finish, but the sound of my voice seems to be calming her. "You kiss me in our moment alone. Tell me you'll see me tonight when all your work is done. I believe you, even though you'll probably crawl into bed long after I've gone to sleep."

I find her shoulder and run my hand slowly down her back. "I retreat to my corner and add your victory to the chronicles of your reign. Another foe driven back. Another tribe united under your banner."

Olivia sits up suddenly, startling me out of my story. "You still dream about me kissing you?"

I can feel the blush rise in my face, but there's no need to hide my embarrassment. Twenty years and I still dream about kissing her. Twenty years and she's still as elusive as that gorgeous creature wandering the dark stacks of the library. "Always." I answer as honestly as I can. "Ever since I saw you that first night."

And then she finds my mouth, softening my lips with the moist touch of her tongue. I'll never know if it's pity or amusement. If she just likes to keep me close enough to turn to when she's alone but far enough that even I can't get into her heart.

"I do love you." She whispers as her lips release mine. "I don't tell you, or show you enough, but darling- I do love you."

It's too dark for her to see the dampness in my eyes. "I love you too."

Her head drops back to my chest, her eyes quiet behind closed lids. Something must have happened. Something changed. She's too close to apology, too sweet and strangely honest. But she'll never tell me what it is. Olivia would never give me that satisfaction.


	14. demand of the heart

March 1977

Gregory's too sweet. He talked about the nursery and where we should take the baby on our first vacation. He kissed me this morning on his way to his graduate classes and told me having a baby was better than getting married. "I thought you were everything..." He leaned in close to kiss my cheek. "But you showed me there was more."

I can't think about him now. I have work to do. I straighten in my chair and force my attention back on the legal briefs in front of me. If I don't move maybe the baby will hold still as well. Gregory loves it when she moves. He's convinced it'll be a girl. That somehow she'll look like me. I'm suppose to look like my mother. Will she kill me as I killed my own mother?

Sooner than I'd like to admit, I'll know. I'll go into labor and I'll die. Gregory won't there. He'll be on the other side of some door and the quiet doctor will emerge covered in my blood and tell him I've died. He'll hand him the baby and apologize. What will he see when he looks down at our child? Will he see me in her eyes? Will Gregory forgive me for leaving him? Is his heart bigger than my father's?

I don't even hear the polite knock on my door. Gregory coughs politely and nods to the brass nameplate on my open doorway as he enters. "It looks good. Olivia Richards, junior partner."

"Thank you." I smile softly and watch him sit down across from me. "I'm sorry darling, I didn't hear you."

Gregory settles into the antique leather chair and rocks back to hear the squeak. He grins at me playfully. "You missed dinner."

I stare down at my watch and then into his cheerful smile. "Oh darling, I'm so sorry. I was working on this dn case."

He covers his eyes so he doesn't accidently see any of my briefs. Opening his hands just enough to peer at me with one gentle brown eye, he waits for me to laugh. I would, but I can't. I'm too tired. My back's hurt all day.

Gregory fits in the with wives beautifully. He's charming and sweet, if he was classically beautiful in a straw garden hat he could be a firm wife. I rub at my eyes wondering where the headache is coming from. I close my eyes for a moment and fight the urge to cry for the hundredth time today.

"I'm almost done, I swear."

I have to concentrate on my work. The sooner I finish, the sooner I can go home and as terribly weak as it is, I just want Gregory to hold me. I don't want to fight to keep the smile on my face when people look at me. I just want to disappear. Make my life go back to the way it was before this terrible pregnancy happened.

I immediately feel guilt stab through my stomach. I shouldn't wish the baby away. What if something does happen? How will I feel if I don't die?

His hands rest on my shoulders as the warmth of his hands threatens to chase the stress out of my shoulders. I groan as he digs his hands into the first layer of knotted muscles. "Oh god, darling, don't do that."

Gregory laughs as he kisses my cheek. "I forgot you need your stress to work."

"I have to finish..." He kisses my other cheek and then the the back of my neck. When he moves my hair I groan in pain.

He wraps concerned hands around my shoulders. "You all right?"

I can't help snapping at him. "My neck hurts." It's too harsh. He's never anything but sweet and the last thing he needs is to be yelled at by me. I sigh and reach for his hand to pull it around to kiss it. "I'm sorry darling. It's just that-"

Gregory finishes my rant as he perches on my desk. "Everything hurts. Your ankles, your back, your neck, your knees..." Tilting his head sympathetically he threatens to drag me from my work with that smile. "You don't have to keep working. I've heard that you can get continuances for this kind of thing."

"I'd just rather-"

He finishes for me again, lounging over my paperwork and smiling at me playfully. "Keep working and get everything done."

"Exactly." There's a spasm of pain across my back and I try to hide it as I bite my lip. It worsens and suddenly there's blood in my mouth.

Gregory's the only one who can see through my facade. "I want to take you home."

"I need to finish." I argue, but the pain in my back is excruciating when he helps me to my feet. The hiss of pain means I've lost. I can't stand up and suddenly the tears I've been managing to keep in all day explode from my eyes. "I can't do this, God- how am I supposed to do this?"

His arms close around me, warm and soft. He's the only one who never demands anything more than my love. All he wants me to be is happy. He doesn't care about my work. He doesn't care about my fears. He just wants to hold me and take it all away. Why can't I let him?

June 1997

There's blood on my hands. Blood and death go hand and hand. Bleeding is the last thing you do before dying and there's blood everywhere. Death is cold and dark because bleeding takes all the heat away. Blood always runs hot, stealing life and heat as it goes.

Gregory's hand touches my shoulder and heat blossoms through my body. He smiles at me, shyly, apologetic. "I have to go now." He kisses my cheek and starts to walk away. Alex takes his hand and looks at me sadly. She's almost sympathetic.

As soon as he's gone it starts to get cold. Ice rushes back up to the place he touched leaving my skin numb. like my heart. When did it get so cold? So dark? Alex and Gregory take the light with them as they walk away. They don't even seem to notice that the light's following them away. I don't know how to deal with the darkness. How to fight it when it's all I can see.

I'm shivering when I wake up next to him. The sheets are on the floor in a tangled heap and Gregory's robe's falling open. I don't have anything on under it. It's only clinging to my skin because it's soaked with sweat. The bedroom's dark and still enough for me to hear my desperate breathing. Death's going to be cold. My breath comes as a sob and I have to see if I'm still covered in blood. I can feel it wet and sticky against my skin.

I throw my feet over the side of the bed reach for the lamp with a clumsy hand. It shudders on the nightstand for a moment before tumbling to shatter on the carpet. I run to the bathroom, pulling Gregory's robe around me like a talisman. A symbol of something greater than myself.

I have to get out of here. I can't stay in this room. This is where it happened. Where the blood started. Where the light went out of my life. Where I lived when I should have died. For a second empty eyes stare accusingly up at me from that little face that was never meant to smile. I can feel the blood on my hands again as I reach for the first thing I can find and end up pulling on the sweater Gregory bought me last time he was in Ireland. I don't bother to put anything on under it as I reach desperately for my pants.

I have to get out of this room. I have to get away. I nearly run down the stairs out of my house. My hair's a mess around my shoulders but I'm too flustered to deal with it. I just need to get away from the carpet we had to replace when my blood soaked through it. Away from the hands that were to small to cling to mine and ask me why.

It's cold outside. The wind tears off of the ocean and carries the sharp smell of salt. The sky's a solid mass of black and I can feel the rain in the air. I'm barely across the patio when the rain stops being a threat. At first it's warm, but the drops are so huge they have me soaked by the time I reach the wet sand.

I don't even know where I'm going, I just have to get away. I can't be next to him. Not when he's been with her. My stomach turns in my throat when I imagine him kissing her. His hands on her waist. What does he say when he lies in bed with her?

The ocean crashes in onto the already wet sand. Lightning flashes over my head but all I can hear is the pounding of my heart. Gregory doesn't love me anymore. He wants Alex. He loves Alex. Another crash of lightning flashes over my head, illuminating the waves in a perfect strobe effect. For a second everything stops around me, then it's dark and the thunder rolls over my head.

I haven't cried in years. I don't cry. I don't let myself by that weak, but no one can see me. I'm alone on the beach and the rain hides my tears. from the ocean. How could he do this to me? What does he find in her?

Maybe she can say she loves him without feeling her throat close up. Alex can kiss him without feeling the panic in the pit of her stomach. I can't even feel my feet in the cold, wet sand anymore. I wrap my arms around my chest and sink to the dark sand. I can't do this anymore. I can't-

He sits down next to me and reaches for my numb fingers. Gregory can't speak over the storm, but he still manages to convey his concern. Everything's in his eyes. The softness of his eyebrows when he's worried. He rests his head on my shoulder for a moment before he wraps an arm around me. He drags me to my feet as my teeth start to chatter. He brought something out with him. A blanket, he throws it around me and holds me tight as he walks me towards the house.

He doesn't belong with me. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't want me.

The pool's a torrent of it's own, dark and full of waves from the wind and rain. My whole body's shaking as Gregory drags me into the kitchen. He dumps the blanket in a wet corner and looks around quickly. He leaves me there on the tile by the door. I can barely stand up on my own. My feet are numb beneath my ankles. I sink down to the floor before he comes back with towels. Gregory drags me to my feet again as I search for the words to protest.

I can't help remembering the way he cradled me in his arms as we waited for the ambulance. When death was all around me he was the one who came and chased it away. He kept me here when I just wanted it all to stop.

"Stop." I whisper weakly as he strips me of my clothes. i can't let him take care of me. I can't-

"Shhh." Gregory starts with my hair. Pummeling my head gently with the towel even as I can't keep my teeth from clicking together. His lips are blue. I trace them with chill fingers as he pulls me closer. He's still just in his pajamas. Thin, cotton pajamas that let me feel his skin through the wet fabric.

Even through the cold something's stirring between us. He pulls me close as he reaches tentatively for the buttons of my sweater. I search for the reservoir of strength and on my tiptoes I kiss his cold lips. Gregory surprises me by kissing me back. How can he find me attractive anymore?

My fingers are too clumsy to take on the buttons of his pajamas, but he pulls the shirt over his head and steam rises from his chest as he wraps his hands around my waist. No words. His eyes say it all. There's a darkness, for him apology, for me it's guilt. If I had been better-

His hands slid down over my hips and run down the inside of my thighs. I tremble out of more than cold. He wants me. After all's been done and said, he can still want me. There's warmth again as he presses against my body. Feeling rushes back into my lips as he abuses them with his teeth. I moan wordlessly as he shoves me into the wall.

His hands are already threatening to send me over the edge. Gregory sends a wave of heat I had forgotten existed crashing through my head. He shoves me back harder, smoothing wet hair to my head as he kisses my neck. The only parts of my skin that have any feeling are where he's touching me.

Gregory's fingers are as clumsy as my own, and he tears the button from my pants as he drags them down to my ankles. Surprising me into a gasp as he lifts me and turns me around to the counter. I tuck my feet around his waist and his hands bring life to my breasts. He runs hot hands over my stomach before diving the fingers of his left hand between my legs. I cry out in shock. He shouldn't, but he presses me harder, making my breath gasp in my throat.

Gregory settles me around his hips before he lets me crush myself against him. He keeps one hand against me, keeping my heart from slowing as he frees himself from his pajama bottoms with the other hand. He teases first with his fingers, making sure he won't hurt me. He closes his eyes for just a moment before licking his way from the nipple of my breast to my chin.

I force him closer with my legs, needing the pain as he enters me. It's tight and I'm forcing myself to be ready but I can't wait. I can't risk that he won't be there. I shudder preemptively as he slows out of concern for my well-being. It doesn't' matter what Gregory wants, he'll stop if he thinks I'm in pain.

He doesn't understand that pain is necessary. Pain is so much more real than pleasure. Pain stays with me. I tighten again, digging my fingers into his back as I try to find the right angle to tilt my hips. He's still waiting. "Just take me." I whisper harshly into the side of his neck. "Make me yours."

He's never been that way. He doesn't own me the way I need to own him. I bite his shoulder, feeling his skin give way to my teeth. He sighs and grabs he tighter still. His next thrust puts tears in my eyes. Harder, deeper, I don't want to feel anything but him anymore. His lips find the hollow at the base of my neck and remind me that there's more to sex than the final outcome. He's patient. He's waiting for me.

I just want to feel something. Him- I need to feel him. His thumb rolls against me, and it happens entirely against my will. Heat drives away the cold. My lips tingle with orgasm instead of the numbness of the storm. I collapse into his arms, shivering as he holds me against his chest. He stares into my eyes, needing that connection before he can join me. I can barely look at him. I want to turn away, to cry empty on his shoulder, but Gregory demands.

It's the one thing he always demands from me. The only thing I can't give him.


	15. simple gifts

**April 1977**

"And then what did he say?" Bette propped impatiently, ignoring my attempt to change the subject.

"He said I had a lot of potential. That I was one of the greatest minds to pass through his office." I lean back against the wall behind the dark wooden bench. The courtroom's on the other side of the wall. Olivia's on the other side of the wall. I don't want to discuss my life.

"And you said?" She's never known when to drop anything.

"I said thank you, but I needed to be a dad for awhile before I could try to be a doctoral student." Why is this so hard for everyone to understand? Olivia needs me. My child needs me to be around for him or her. I'm not going to have a child who's raised by nannies. This is my child and I'm going to be there.

"Then he shook his head and hoped he'd see me again soon. That I wasn't the-" I pause and try to get the taste of failure out of my mouth. "Type of person who would be content changing diapers and chasing kindergartners around the playground."

"Ooo.." She winces for me and shakes her head thoughtfully. "Sorry Greggie. That had to be tough to hear."

I shrug, trying to figure out just how I feel about it all. My hands are sweaty as I rest them against my legs. "It's not that I don't want to get my doctorate. Sometimes it's my greatest ambition. It's the light at the end of the tunnel. The whole reason I kept going to school all these years-"

"But-" There's always a but with her. No one can get away with their secrets.

I fidget with my hands, wishing I had something to play with to take my mind off things. "I can teach without it. And it's not like I need a job. God knows Olivia makes enough money for both of us."

"Not to mention dear old mommy and daddy's inheritance." Bette points out as she taps the Rolex on my wrist. "But I know you just want to be useful."

"Is that really too much to ask?" I wonder softly as I shuffle my feet on the floor. "Can't I have my wife and my children and a little bit of work on the side?"

She rubs my shoulder and shakes her head with a soft smile. "Maybe you can. You're still young."

"I think I'm getting older by the second waiting for her." I leave the bench and wonder if pacing will make me feel any better. "What does your watch say? Two-fifteen?"

Bette looks obediently down at her wrist and nods before she opens her purse. "Yep."

"Olivia should have been down by now. The tee time I got for Judge Emerson and my father is at three. He must be planning to fly down the coast to the course." It was a pretty good trick, making sure Olivia's case won't run too late. "Can I just barge in there and steal her?"

Bette checks her lipstick in the mirror and smacks her lips together. "Of course you can. I just don't think she'd appreciate it very much."

I tuck my hands in my pockets and wish I could just have a conversation with my wife instead of playing chess with her. I'm still musing when Bette forces me into conversation again.

"-Are you sure?" I missed the beginning of her thought.

I turn to her and try to concentrate as she asked her question again. "I'm sorry Bette-"

"You said you thought she was in labor, I was wondering if you were sure." Bette plants her hands on her hips. "I doubt most women could conduct a trial while they were having contractions."

"But this is-"

"Olivia." We finish together. Bette wraps her hands around my arm and rests her head on my shoulder. "So what are you going to do?"

I lead her back to the bench. Pacing is just making it worse. Bette curls up next to me, dropping her shoes to the floor. "Convince her it's going to be okay."

Bette chokes before she manages not to laugh. "I'm sorry. It's just hard to imagine anyone convincing Olivia of anything."

"I know it's not going to be easy." I admit as I check my watch again. "But there's a chance."

"Same chance a snowball has in hell." Bette retorts firmly.

I knock her off of my shoulder and threaten to tickle her side to shut her up.

Bette jumps away, laughing playfully and getting us a stern look from the security guard down the hallway. "So what's your big plan?" She asks as she tries to settle down next to me and appear mature.

I rub sweat off my palms again and smile at her sheepishly. "Play dumb."

Bette gives me the scathing look she usually reserves for ex-husbands. "I can't believe they even let you on the grounds of an institute for higher learning, let alone thought about giving you permission to work on a doctorate! Saints in heaven. Genius IQ and your best plan is 'play dumb' -" She furrows her eyebrows and gives me the death look again. "Oh all the stupid, idiotic, no good, insane little plans from left field-"

The courtroom doors suddenly open, ruining her tirade and the plaintiff hurries past us in a huff. Olivia must be doing well. The opposing council looks like he's been forced to swallow his lunch money. I remind myself not to run into the courtroom.

If Olivia hadn't been fussing with her briefcase, I never would have had time to compose myself. I force a smile. The most relaxed, laid-back smile I can muster. "Looks like you're winning sweetheart."

Olivia looks up from her briefcase with exhaustion as she slumps down into her chair. "We'll be back Monday to go at it again." Her cheeks are flushed, but the rest of her face is unnaturally pale. Her eyes look like they've been awake for days. Dark circles mar the pale skin beneath them.

I just smile again, pretending not to notice anything about her. I lean over the table, shutting all her work into her briefcase. "i'll just have to keep you from thinking about it until Monday then."

Olivia manages the barest of smiles in return. Even her lips are tight. I can't help wondering how long she's going to keep of the charade. Keep playing the quiet game of how long she can ignore what's happening to her body. "I'd love to go home. I just-" She closes her eyes for a second, and I can watch her knuckles tighten on the handle of her briefcase. "Have to stop at the office first. There's so paperwork I need to deal with."

I pull myself up on the table and swing my feet around to rest on the edge of her chair. "I love the office."

Her choking slightly is the closest I'm going to get to laughter from her today. "You do?" She teases as she starts to get up from her chair.

I drop down to help her. Making sure her legs are ready for her weight. For once Olivia doesn't bother to protest, in fact, she clings to me for a moment and I realize how hot her skin is when her forehead presses against my cheek. I hold her against me, wishing for the millionth time that I could take her fear away. I watched my sister bring my nieces into the world. I watched her convince her husband everything was going to be fine with a smile on her face. Cohonesto et Amore. Do honor to love, the stodgy old family motto I never understood until I held Olivia.

"I'm going to get the car, all right?"

Olivia's head bobs slightly against my chest. She stiffens slightly with another contraction and I glance down at my watch and wish I had the forethought to look at it a moment ago. How far apart are they? How much time do I have to convince her to stop being so stoic?

Deeply reluctant, I leave her in the courtroom. She's still standing, but her hands are on the table, as if she's bracing herself again. I can't just leave her. I have to remind myself twice that she's fine. That if something was wrong Olivia would let me take her to the hospital. Wouldn't she?

Bette grabs my arm as I leave the elegant black Jaguar idling just in front of the steps to the courthouse. "How is she?"

"We're going to the office." I offer with a helpless shrug. "Maybe we'll have the baby there."

Bette's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "How can you joke about this?"

I kiss her cheek and laugh painfully. "Someone has too. If I let myself worry, I'll never be able to help her."

"It's always about her, isn't it?" There's a softness in her tone I rarely hear from Bette.

"I'll see you later." I remind her firmly as I hurry back towards the courtroom and my wife.

"Don't you have anything else to say? What about your meeting? What about your dissertation?" I try to escape her line of questioning as my feet slap against the marble floor.

"What meeting?" Olivia asks weakly as she drops her hand away from her face. I hurry to her side, wrapping my arm around her back.

"I just had to talk to my advisor, you remember, Dr. Burkett, you thought he was rather pompous at that luncheon." I shake my head at Bette over Olivia's shoulder. Reminding her to stop now.

"What was it?" She takes my hand and squeezes it. "Gregory?"

"It wasn't important." I kiss her forehead and glare at Bette. "Come on, let's go to the office. You had things to pick up."

"You're ruining your life!" Bette snaps as I try to lead Olivia past her. Olivia stops us, clinging to me. There's pain in her voice.

"He's what?" She hisses, wincing as she grabs at my arm.

I drop her briefcase, listening to it clatter as I steer her towards the first bench in the courtroom. "Sit down." I rub her shoulders, letting her try to pull herself together. "You'll be okay."

"Shouldn't you take her to the hospital?" Bette wonders with her usual tactless honesty. Of course I should take Olivia to the hospital. She should be looked after. She should be protected.

"Oh I'm fine." Olivia insists as she stands up quickly and forces a nearly convincing smile. "Really. That's entirely unnecessary."

Neither of us believe her, but I don't push her. I need her to trust me. I smile easily as I pick up the briefcase. "Okay then. Let's get to the office so we can go home, huh?" I turn pointedly to Bette I lead Olivia out to the car. "We can talk about my life later."

I'm shutting the door on Olivia's side of the car as Bette mutters, "As if you still had one outside of her."

"What did you say?" I shouldn't turn on her. I shouldn't be so angry.

"I said 'as if you still had one'" Bette repeats as she stands up to me. "Outside of Olivia of course. She does keep you rather busy. What are you now? Her chef? Chauffeur? Secretary? Travel agent? Personal trainer?"

Frustrated, I throw my hands up in the air. "I love her Bette."

"No." Bette argues as she pulls me away from the car. "You're obsessed with her. You live and breathe her."

I leave her hand on my arm and shake my head weakly, throughly confused by her anger. "She's my wife." I turn back to the car, making sure Olivia's all right. Her eyes are closed. I have to get her out of here.

"That doesn't mean you have to make her the center of your universe." Bette turns my attention back from the car. "God, I'd be the first to know that."

"I'm sorry." I hiss with more venom than I expected. "Maybe I don't want to base my marriage on the Bette Douglas theory of relationships. I would like to get past my- what's the farthest you've had? 3rd anniversary? 4th?"

Dropping her hands from my shoulders, Bette was hurt written all over her face. I'm the one person who doesn't judge her for being on her fourth marriage already. The one person she trusts. "Ouch." She sighs as she moves out of my way.

"Oh Bette." I shouldn't have said that. It shouldn't bring that up. Bette doesn't have it as easy as I do. "I'm sorry. I really am." Olivia's hand clenches down suddenly on the handle above the door. "I have to go." I hug her suddenly, tightly. "I'm sorry. Tomorrow? Okay?"

Bette kisses my cheek, forgiving me in a moment. "Go, take good care of your baby. Both of them."

"I will." I squeeze her hand and mouth thank you as I hurry to the car. I settle in to the driver's seat and buckle my seat belt. Her eyes are still closed next to me, but her knuckles are white on the door handle. She's not even letting herself breathe.

"Liv-" I begin gently as I rest my hand on her arm.

She shakes her head. She won't be able to speak for another few moments. I touch her cheek and it shocks her into breathing again but she's breathing too hard. Too fast. I take her hand off of the arm of the seat and pull it into my lap.

"It's all right." I promise as if it's as sure as the sunrise tomorrow morning. "You're going to be all right."

She sighs, shuddering as the pain abates. "I'm all right." Olivia starts to open her eyes but she turns away from me quickly when there are tears in them. She won't even trust me to see.

"How long?" I ask softly, reaching out to touch her cheek again. I run my hand back through her hair, trying to reassure her as best I can.

Olivia shakes her head, still unable to face me. I turn her chin towards me and force her to look. "How long?"

"I'm fine darling." The fake smile is back. She straightens up and lets me wipe tears out of her eyes. "Come on. I have things to get from the office."

"We need to talk-" Olivia leans across the seat and kisses me ending my question.

"I don't know if I can." She whispers before she pulls away from me. "I'm-" She crumbles and the way her fingers dig into my shoulder give away the pain she has to be going through.

I reach across and wrap my arms around her shoulders. "It's okay to be scared." The engine purrs in the hood, ignored by both of us. "You don't have to be strong all the time."

Olivia just shakes her head, burying her head further into my shoulder. "-I can't-"

She had more to say, so much more, but I can't get any of it out of her. Instead there's a flood of tears. Not the tears of a grown woman. Not the way she cries when she's Olivia Richards, but she's a lost little girl who never knew her mother. The child who blamed herself for an accident of fate.

"I love you." I remind her because it's the only think I can think of to say. My answer for everything, as foolish and simple as it is. I should know something better. I should be able to say something deep and meaningful, but instead I hold her close. "I love you."

She lifts her head, wiping at her face even as she struggling to find her breath. "Why?" Olivia lets me take her hands, and to my relief she clings to me. "God- why, how can you love me?"

"Because I do." I kiss her cheek, tasting tears on my lips. I fish my handkerchief out of my pocket and hand it to her. I let her keep my right arm as I try to coax the car into gear with just my left hand. "To the office then?" If she's not ready to go to the hospital yet, we can wait it out. Her doctor said to bring her in when they got less than five minutes apart. How long has it been? How long has she been hiding this from me?

She lets me help her out of the car, and as we stand in the lot beneath her office, one of the contractions she isn't having nearly knocks her off her feet. For a moment she almost has to admit what's happening. But I can't bring it up. I keep her close as we go up through the elevator, as if I'll lose her if I let go. Bette might be right. I might have too much of myself wrapped up in her. I just wouldn't know what to do without her.

"I just need to get some things out of my files." Olivia explains softly.

"Don't worry about me Liv. I have-" I make a face as I pick it up. "The Yale Law Review to keep me company." I settle into the couch and watch her. I learned some time ago that it does more harm than good to try and help her. She prefers to work alone. I start humming as I leaf through the stuffy volume. I can't help myself. My mother used to hum to me when I was a little boy. It's one of the rare little things I remember my mother doing with me. I'm not going to be that kind of parent. My children will know too much about me. They'll be able to name every song I hum to myself. They'll-

I hear the splashing, water running down against the carpet. I look up in confusion, trying to decide what Olivia's knocked over. I didn't hear a glass hit the floor. "Gregory-" She gaps, terror chill in her voice. "Gregory-" I nearly trip over the coffee table in my rush to get to her. Olivia can't stand up anymore, she drags me to the floor next to her, eyes wide and white in fear. "Something happened-" She gaps again, trying to regain her breath.

"Your water broke." I explain as gently as I can. Her clothes are soaked. Clear fluid pools all around her feet.

"I know-" She groans sharply, shaking her head as she tries to find a way to speak. "Something-" Olivia's hands close down on my left hand hard enough enough to make my fingers complain of the sudden lack of circulation. "Something-" She bites back something that could have been a scream.

With quiet fascination I run my hand up the wet fabric of her inner thigh. There, hard against my hand through the black silk of her suit, our baby.

Olivia's eyes bore into me. "Gregory- what- what-"

"I can feel the baby." I explain dumbly as I wipe my hand on my shirt. "It's right there."

She shakes her head, trying to say something that her body can't spare the energy to voice. Instead she moans and sinks back against the desk. I start taking off her shoes, setting them aside as I reach up to take off her pants. "Breathe sweetheart."

Olivia writhes against the desk and I look quickly around her office. Late evening on a Friday, there isn't even a janitor to yell for. I should call an ambulance. I start to get up but she grabs my hand. "Don't leave me."

I can't explain to her that I'm calling a doctor. I don't think she could hear me even if I took the time. "You're going to be okay.'

Olivia gasps, and she's not even trying to bite her pain back anymore. Maybe she can't. I have to keep talking. "I'm going to take your pants off and see if I can see the baby. She must have nearly fallen all the way through when your water broke."

"Just don't leave-" Olivia whispers before she's breathing too hard to speak.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to right here with you and everything's going to be fine." I remind myself that the more I believe it, the more she'll believe me. "Everything's going to be fine." I slide her pants off as she lies back on the floor. It shouldn't be the floor. I reach for the sofa for a pillow for her, but she grabs my hand and pulls it back down to her chest. "Okay. I'll stay here."

She nods, sweat that wasn't there a moment ago suddenly running down the side of her neck. Dark blonde hair. Our baby has dark blonde hair. I can't help laughing.

"She's going to be blonde Liv." I rock up on my knees so Olivia can look into my eyes. "I think you need to push."

She shakes her head, turning her eyes away from mine even as her fingers beg me never to leave her aside. Olivia opens her mouth, but it's a whimper instead of a scream. Even now she can't let herself scream. I lower my hand to her face, and finally I help her back up.

"You have to push."

"I-" Olivia's never looked so lost. "I can't-"

"How many times do I have to tell you? You can do anything." Be calm. I remind myself as I pull her into my lap. How many times did I space out during the one lamaze class she let us go to before she mysteriously became to busy to ever attend them. Did they cover delivering your own child on the floor of the office?

I can feel the sweat through her blouse as she leans against my chest. I take both of her hands, feeling her cling to me. There's certainly enough strength in her hands. "Do you remember how to push? We talked about it at your last appointment."

Her teeth click together and I decide to take the motion of her head as a nod. She groans and tugs my hands. "You're going to be okay. I know you'd rather be anywhere but here." When her breath stalls I tap her cheek. "But you have to keep breathing. Do that for me, okay?"

"Gregory-" She cuts off, hissing in pain before she pants her breath back. "Gregory-"

"We're going to push, and I'm going to help you." She shudders back against me and I wait for her to tense when the next contraction starts. When she starts to scream I force her up, helping her as best I can.

She collapses against my chest, even her hair is soaked through suddenly. "We have to push again."

"No-" She's sobbing, and I can feel her chest shaking. "No-" Crying sharpens into a scream and we're pushing again. Her body trapped inside mine as I force her up. I guide her hand down between her legs, and together we touch the little round head.

"That's our baby Liv." She pulls our hands away like she's been burned. She's not ready, but she doesn't have a choice. Another contraction and something rips free inside of her. She's still sobbing, panting, screaming- but I can't take my eyes away. Slowly, as if she's the only thing in the world, the slimy, blue- gray body of our daughter slips from Olivia's body. Tiny hands squirm against the chill air, and Olivia's eyes suddenly open as the pain disappears.

I reach down, letting Olivia take her own weight as she lowers herself to the floor. I'm almost afraid to touch her, but I can't leave her on the floor. I reach behind me, grabbing the suit jacket I almost didn't wear because of the heat and lay my daughter reverently on it. With the corner of my shirt sleeve I wipe blood from her angel face. Tiny eyes flutter beneath my thumb like a fairy creature. I wipe her mouth, and her nose as best I can. I wrap her up as I search Olivia's desk. There's a letter opener on the corner by the drawer but that wouldn't be nearly sharp enough. I reach into the pocket of my jacket. My grandfather said a pocket knife was the most practical thing a boy could have.

I need string. I untie my shoe and rip the lace from it. I tie two quick knots and free my daughter from her mother. When I lift her up to look at Olivia, she finally starts to cry. It's a little sound, like rain against a window in the morning.

Olivia looks up at me without a single thought in her face.

"She's beautiful Liv." I lower the baby to her chest, watching her skin pink up in the darkness. Realizing I'm going to have to do something with the mess of blood and afterbirth, I follow that with the realization that I don't care. I rest my hand on Olivia's naked knee and watch her face become something pure. All her terror, all the horror of the last few months. Every terrible thought Olivia held inside about this moment- gone.

Evaporated into the air. Gone like the pain Olivia's already forgotten. I stroke her face, not even noticing the blood drying on my sleeve.

"Gregory-" Her voice is hoarse and rough with tears, but she's still smiling. "Oh Gregory- you were right."

I lie down next to her, wrapping my arms around my family and forgetting about everything I should be doing. "I'm entitled to be every once in awhile. I won't be again for at least a year. I promise."

Olivia laughs and I could float away on that sound. She reaches for me, her hand trembling slightly in exhaustion as she touches my cheek. For a single, perfect moment her heart is free in her eyes and she shares it with me. After that, words are a waste of time.

**June 1997**

Alex lifts her hands into the air and grins wickedly as she winks at me from the doorway of my office. "One word- Bail."

I shove my chair back from the desk and rush to hug her. "Oh thank god. I was so worried about you in that cell." She kisses my cheek, lingering there long enough to make my heart skip a beat. "How? You're accused of murder, they don't just let murders walk free-"

"Oh they do if they have Olivia Richards as a defender." Alex beams at me as she holds my hands tightly, nearly brimming over the top with enthusiasm. "She's brilliant."

Thinking of Olivia used to make me smile. Today it's all I can do to keep the smile on my face. "She is."

Alex sees right through me. She always has. I used to wonder if Olivia had the same ability. At least until I realized she never asks what I'm thinking because I'm too predictable. Boring, predictable Gregory, who always reacts the same way. Who wears his heart on his sleeve and never makes anyone wonder what he's thinking.

She touches the worry on my brow and tilts her head. "What is it?"

I retreat back behind my desk, trying to put some distance between me and her warm, yielding body. I shrug and sink into my chair. "Just that time of year. Would you believe how many term papers I have to grade?"

Alex shakes her head, ending my oposition. "You're upset." She begins as she puts it together in her head. "You got upset when I brought up Olivia."

"I'm thrilled she got you out on bail." I offer in a poor attempt to placate her. "I will never cease to be amazed by her legal skill and decorum in the court room." I lift my red pen without seeing the paper in front of me.

"That was nearly sarcastic." Alex reaches around my shoulders and rubs them with gentle hands. "I'm impressed. You never used to be any good at it."

Dropping the pen as she sinks strong fingers into the well of pain in my back, I close my eyes and rest my head in my hands. "What can I say? I live with the best."

"Did you have a fight?"

A knot of muscle pops against one of the vertebrae in my neck and I shudder in relief. "No fight." I sigh and try to sort my mind. "At least, not one I know about."

"Did she say anything in particular?" Alex fishes, as she investigates the stubborn muscles surrounding my spine. "I'm sure trying to keep me out of prison is every bit as stressful for her as it is for me."

"She lives for stress." I reply bitterly as I turn my chair around to face the one woman who seems to really understand me. The one woman I should be looking at the way I am right now. Her simple fitted tee-shirt is the kind of soft cotton Olivia only allows herself on vacations. I can follow the line of Alex's bra strap through the thin fabric. "Worships it. Seeks it out when she doesn't have enough of her own."

She drags the chair in the corner over to me and sits in it backwards. "Then why are you angry?"

"I'm not angry!" I snap before I realize how futile it is. I am angry. It boils in my stomach. When Olivia whispers, do you love me? I reply immediately. I reply every time she asks. Every, single goddammed time. I shake out my shoulders and sigh heavily. "I am angry."

"Making progress already." Alex rests her chin on her arms. Smooth, lightly tanned arms that hold the chair in front of her. "Why are you angry?"

I could lie. I could force this feeling away- "She never says it." I whisper before realizing just how deeply I've failed.

Alex tilts her head, waiting for an explaination.

"When I say 'I love you'-" I shake my head and try to tell myself it's rediculous to be so upset. "She never says it. She kisses me, or takes my hand, or just goes back to sleep. She never says it. God, Alex I can't remember the last time she said she loved me." Suddenly my chest hurts like I've been running. My throat's getting tight.

"She comes home in the strangest moods. One minute she can't wait to get out of my sight, and the next she seeks me out. She asks me to come to be with her. She goes out in the middle of a thunderstorm to watch the water." I study my own clasped hands and wonder when my wedding ring became such a burden. "She's always cold. She's always looking for something but she never gives me anything."

"You love her." Alex reminds me simply to pester the rest of the story out of me. "You've always loved her."

"I've always done a lot of things." I leave my chair and remember to shut the door to my office before I let myself get too far out of hand. "I like my coffee with heavy cream. The heaviest I can find. I put my socks on before I put on my trousers. I hate courderoy pants because of the noise they make when I walk."

Alex lets herself laugh. She laughs so easily.

"What if I'm wrong and the cream I put in my coffee every morning is going to be what finally gives me a fatal heart attack? What if I should be leeting my feet breath the extra few seconds and put on my socks last. Perhaps courderoy isn't so bad after all." I'm rambling, circling the one thing I'm terrified that I actually am going to say. How can I admit it? How can I even think it?

"What if you shouldn't be in love with her?" She asks it for me. She lifts her head from her arms and watches me crumble.

"She doesn't-" I shake my head. I rub my shoe against an imaginary streak of dirt on the floor. I shove my hands into my pockets.

"She doesn't?" Alex prods gently. "You really think she doesn't-"

I can't let her finish. "I don't know what I think anymore. She's avoiding me. She leaves before breakfast, she comes home after dark. She crawls into bed after I've started pretending to be asleep. Olivia does everything she can to pretend I don't exist!" My heart pounds in my chest, begging both to be released from this torture and tormented until the end of time. "And then she kisses me like I'm the only man in the world. As if I'm the only person in the whole dn universe that she can be herself with."

I can't look at her when I say it. "We make love like we're dying. She's nearly in tears when we finish and Olivia never lets herself cry. She didn't even cry when Caitlin was born."

Alex pulls my hands out of my pockets and holds them thoughtfully. "These were the first hands to hold your daughter." There's something elusive in her eyes. Something dancing just out of sight. "I can't imagine how wonderful that must have been, how amazing it was to watch her skin turn pink as she took her first breath."

I cling to her hands. "I can't help wondering what would have happened if I wasn't there. If-" Olivia's never been safe. Not with the ghosts who follow her around. "I had let her go alone."

"She needs you." Alex rubs the gold of my wedding band thoughtfully. "I don't think she realizes how much."

I pull my hands away. I can't look at the way the light glistens on the moistness of her lips. When she lay on my chest, glowing with spent energy, I felt something. Something so old it seemed almost new to me again. "Olivia doesn't need anyone. Least of all a dried out failure like me."

Her hand stings as it slaps across my face. Alex puts her hands on her hips as she studies my shocked expression. "You're welcome. Self-pity never did anyone any good. Yes, you've made choices that brought you here instead of the British Museum, but you made them. Not Olivia, not your parents." She taps my chest. "You. And you were happy. You are happy." She points to the quiet chaos of my desk and grins. "You like this."

"Would have liked the British Museum too I'll wager." I tease with a smile as I let it go. "Something's wrong." I run my hand through my hair and remember how pale Olivia was when she left the house this morning. How strange she's been when we sleep together. "I'd swear she's avoiding me, but we can't keep our hands off each other. She pulled me into the shower this morning and we-"

"That's good!" Alex cheers with a wry smile. "Making love is a good sign."

I open my mouth, but close it as I watch a lone sailboat join a group in a race to the sunset through my window. "What if it's not love?"

"You don't hurt her, do you?"

"No no-" I settle back down in my chair. "It's not like that. We just- Everything's there, the motions are all right. It's, frankly, amazing to be so close to her again-"

"But you never been farther away." Alex finishes for me as she returns to the chair across from me like a patient little cat. "I've never had you ask me if she loves you before."

"I've never." I begin and the darkness in her eyes flutters across her face.

"Gregory- there's something I need to tell you."

I scoot my chair over to close the distance between us. Grinning at her foolishly to get the sadness out of her face. "It's your turn I suppose. Just remember that every minute you spend complaining about your life is twenty minutes I get in return."

"Oooo" She winces playfully as she caresses my arm. "The exchange rate's gotten worse."

I shrug and scoot back towards my desk to start packing up for the day. "Must be inflation."

"Gregory-" Something in her voice begs me to turn around. To look at her while she-

The knock comes sharply, startling us both. Jenny, the perky little student teacher who's spent the last semester with me leas in apologetically. "I'm so sorry to bother you, but we've misplaced the list of students in the Mock Trial and Knowledge Bowl groups. We've looked everywhere, I remember most of them but we have to get this yearbook page done today and I'd hate to print out a thousand of them only to get some poor kid's name wrong and you're so good with names-" She's always been able to fit far too many words in a single breath of air.

"I'll be right there." I drag Alex to her feet and hug her.

She relaxes into it and starts accepting my apology before I even have a chance to give it. "I'll be here. Can't let some poor kid be mortified just because I can't wait a few minutes." She pushes me towards the door. "Go on, I want to see what kind of games you have on your computer..."

I give in and follow Jenny into the hallway. "I'm sure we can sort it out."

I tune out her reponse and just nod at the appropriate pauses in her story. Alex will be waiting for me when I get back because she said she would. She'll say what she needs to say and we'll talk about it. It's simple. Beautifully, heart warmingly, simple.

Unlike everything else in my life.


	16. unforgiveable

December 1977

Gregory smiles playfully as he balances Caitlin on his hip on the box of Christmas ornaments in the other. She's our little angel. The most beautiful, perfect little cherub we ever could have wished for. He dangles tinsel in her hair and lets her gnaw on the end of a candy cane. He'll be covered with sticky red and white baby drool, but he doesn't seem to mind in the slightest. It's Christmas as he keeps reminding me.

Touching the center of my forehead, I wonder where the headache came from. Probably the same place as the last one. It sends sparks of pain through my eyes as I try to concentrate on my work.

But I can't. Gregory snatches it away tucks it inside my briefcase and slams it shut. "It's Christmas Eve Liv."

I reach for my briefcase, but he hands me Caitlin instead. "There you go Catey, you tell your bah-humbug mommy that just because the courthouse is open the Monday after Christmas. It doesn't mean the world will come to an end if she's not ready to go."

My daughter burbles up at me and smiling chases my headache back for a moment. "Darling-"

"I have so much work to do." Gregory parrots at me through his box of toys. "Not tonight." The doorbell rings through the night. "See- there's Santa Claus, right now." He stuffs my briefcase away under the sofa. "All the way from the South Pole this year because she had to get pictures of the penguins for the cover of National Geographic-"

He throws open the door to reveal Alex in her travel worn brown leather jacket and a red hat with a pompom and glowing white trim balanced on her long blonde hair. Gregory watches her for a moment before scooping her into a tremendous hug. Her feet don't even get a chance to touch the floor as he pulls her inside.

"Oh Gregory-" She gushes warmth and the Christmas cheer I just can't get myself into this year. "You look great. Fatherhood suits you like nothing else. I've never seen you look better."

She's right. Gregory's tuxedo looks perfect. His red bow tie would be a little much on someone else, but it's right for him. He hasn't tied it yet, probably because Caitlin can't wait to get her baby fingers around it.

The headache begs my attention, making it hard to focus on the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. I can't help wondering if I'm going to faint. Suddenly I'm unbearably dizzy. I didn't have these headaches last time. I turn to put Caitlin down on her pile of blankets in the playpen, but Gregory steals her from my arms. Alex wraps her arms around my waist from behind and surprises me with the ferocity of her hug.

"Don't think I forgot about you mommy."

Mommy? How can she know? I haven't even told Gregory yet.

"You look wonderful Olivia. You really do." Alex kisses my cheek and steers me towards Gregory and my baby. "Thank you for letting me invade your happy little home." She bounces Caitlin's baby fist. "I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be with family on Christmas. Instead of slogging through glaciers looking for penguins!"

Gregory laughs and watches as Caitlin favors Alex with one of her famous smiles. "I'm afraid you can't escape the black and white motif. There's the party."

The party. THE social event of December for the old California money. I have to get ready. I can't wear my robe.

"I'm ready." Gregory twirls around slowly with Caitlin in his arms, as if he was waltzing with her. "Caitlin's ready. Alex only needs a cupful of water and a shiny hubcap and she'll be ready."

Alex winks at him but nods playfully. "I suppose that's fair. I'll just run up to the guest room."

Gregory and I wince together. "Why don't you get ready in our room?" Gregory offers quickly. "My sister had the guest room yesterday and it's still a mess, Arielle has the day off and Olivia and I are terrible at cleaning-"

"Your room it is." Alex grabs my hand and drags me over. "Olivia and I can share, can't we?"

It's hard to resist her smile, or her enthusiasm. I nod and follow her up the stairs. "We'll be right back darling."

Gregory runs up after me and demands a kiss. "You'd better be."

With Alex giggling at me I can't help blushing as we flee up the stairs into the bedroom.

"So where's the little one off to while you escort Gregory to the infamous Richards Christmas Eve bash?" Alex lounges on the bed easily, maddeningly already dressed in her navy blue crushed silk gown that came out of her duffle bag in a ball not less than half an hour ago.

Alex breezed into my bathroom and proceeded to get ready in the time it takes me to force my headache aside enough to face the idea of getting dressed for a party.

She finishes running her fingers through her lazy blonde hair and waits for my reply.

"Caitlin's going to stay with Bette." I answer as I finally find the garment bag with my new gown. The heavy burgundy cloth is going to take a bit more work to get into than Alex's dress. If she weren't so nice to me it was be so easy to hate her. "She has Annie tonight anyway and Annie loves getting to play baby-sitter for Cate."

"Well that's sweet isn't it?" Alex whirls her feet off the bed and helps me with my dress. The room's still a little unsteady. Maybe Gregory was right when he mentioned me looking a little pale. I'm surprised he hasn't confronted me yet.

She lays it out on the bed and whistles in appreciation. "Never let it be said that your husband can't pick out a beautiful dress."

I struggle with the buttons of my blouse and then drop it in a heap on the floor. I head for my dresser and the top drawer for my strapless bra. I did through the lingerie, making of mess of the neat piles in my hurry. Then the shivering hits me. It's not cold in my bedroom. It's winter in California and Gregory turned the heat on in the beginning of December for the baby but I can't stop myself.

Third time today.

"You're shaking." Alex notices before I can do anything about it. She rips the blanket from the top of my bed and wraps it around my shoulders. She rubs my arms through it, as gently concerned as a mother hen. "Here sit down and warm up for a second."

She doesn't mention that it's not even cold in the room. Her strappy, nearly backless dress seems to be keeping her warm just fine.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." I'm lucky it's her up here with me and not Gregory. He'd never let me go to the party if he knew. "One minute I'm fine and the next I'm freezing."

"You don't have a fever." Alex points out as she runs strong fingers through my hair. When I can't come up with anything to say she circles around behind me and combs out my hair with her fingers. "Here, I'll do your hair now while you warm up. That way you won't be late for the in-laws." She slides me down the bench closer to my mirror and fishes my hairbrush off of the dresser.

"Wouldn't want to get you in trouble with King Patrick and the good Queen Caroline." Alex hums just like Gregory when her hands are busy. "Although, I think they love Caitlin enough that if you showed up just the way you are, they'd find a way to forgive you."

"Probably." I have to try to force my jaw to relax and stop the chattering of my teeth. I should tell her. Confess to her and let her help me decide if I should break the news at the party. I can imagine watching Gregory's face light up in front of the party when I tell him. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Alex starts to pin up my hair.

"Can I tell you something?"

Alex grins sagely and nods to me. "Of course you can. If you want too. I know you're not big on sharing your secrets-"

I reach up and grab her hand. I pull it down to my shoulder. "You know Gregory-"

"I do in fact." Winking at me, Alex settles down on the bench next to me. "I've known him since he was the quiet little boy curled up in the corner at nursery school. The one who couldn't wait for story time." She pats my hands and straightens the blanket around my shoulders. "We used to sit together at lunch and he'd tell me all about the fairy tales his nanny was reading him. About knights and princesses-"

She reaches out and takes the black velvet box that holds my tiara for tonight. Alex removes it and tucks it into my hair. "He said he wanted to be a squire, so he could go along on all adventures without having to worry about the dragons. He used to have nightmares about dragons, back then. God- we must have been six or seven-"

She arranges the curls of my hair around the tiara. "I told him I'd be his knight because I wasn't afraid of dragons, and that someday, when we found the princess he could have her because I didn't really want one."

Alex picks up my foundation and starts to do my makeup, as if she were my mother. What would my mother think of me? Would she tell me how beautiful I look?

"You're paler than you were when you bought this." Alex points out as she sets it aside. Taking a tissue she evens it out as best she can. "Too much time in the office?"

"Alex- I'm pregnant."

She sets the little glass bottle down on the dresser and takes my hands. Her eyes glisten in the light from my lamp and I close mine. "I've been waiting for the right moment to tell Gregory- I know it's a little soon after Caitlin, but we're so happy. With her in our lives-"

"Honey..." Alex flattens me to her chest, lets me go long enough to look at my face, and hugs me again. "Oh honey that's so wonderful." She rubs her hands over my back and when we pull apart there are tears in her eyes.

What is it like to watch your best friend build something you can never have? How would I feel in her shoes, listening to her tell me that she was carrying Gregory's baby?

She rests a hand over my stomach and addresses it fondly as the her tears start to sneak down her face. "Hello sweetheart. You're going to have the most wonderful family. Your mom's so smart and your daddy's just the sweetest man to ever live. Your sister's going to be beautiful and smart like your mom too, I just know it."

Mascara leaves dark stains under her eyes and Alex wipes at them with a tissue. "You should have told me before I put on my makeup."

I laugh slightly, holding her hand tight against my stomach. This baby's going to be different. No terror. No doubts, no lying to Gregory and giving birth in the office. This baby's going to fine.

"I'm sorry." My hands would shake if I let go of her. "I wasn't going to it just-"

"It's all right. Honey, I couldn't be happier for you and Gregory. You should have as many wonderful little babies as you can and just surround them in love." She finishes cleaning herself up and picks up the eyeliner pencil. "I'll finish you up and see what I can salvage from myself."

I could take the pencil and do it myself, but it's nice to have someone take care of me. Comforting even. "I'm going to tell him at midnight. The very first thing he'll get for Christmas-"

"Poor boy's not even going to be able to look at presents." Alex warns as she turns my face to get a better angle. "He's going to make a big announcement that would embarrass the hell out of him if he wasn't so excited and dance with you until morning."

"When he'll feel awful for keeping me up."

Alex picks up the lipstick. "Exactly."

June 1997

Gregory's fingers dig into the back of my neck like iron. Pain shoots up the back of my head and melds into my headache. It's just another tension headache. The most recent in the never ending string of them. Ever since Alex came back and started sleeping with my husband life is different.

"I assigned their last paper today." Gregory works his way down into my shoulders. "Something from the nineteenth century. Anything they want. Probably should have made it a little less vague, but I'm try to let them spread their wings a little. Besides, no college professor is going to hold their hands. It'll be good practice."

I should answer him but the pain in my head pulses hard enough to white out the edges of my vision.

"So I'm afraid I'll be locked in the library next weekend trying to get them all graded." His thumbs dig into the toughened muscles along my spine. "I think I'll have to find breaks to work on you. Sweetheart, you're a mess." He kisses the back of my neck and I shiver even as his hands warm my skin through my blouse.

Looking around clandestinely for our children, he decides we're safe and undoes the buttons over my chest. The roughness of his palms is nearly heavenly against my bare skin. He spends a few minutes on the knots in my back before he returns to my neck. With his hands there I feel nearly human again. My blouse slides off the leather sofa onto the floor. He tangles his fingers once in the straps of my bra before getting fed up with it. It comes free with a neat twist and he's gentle as he gets it off my shoulders.

I pull the blanket from the corner of the sofa up against my chest, covering my breasts and trying keep myself warm. The skin of my back is warm beneath the friction of his touch.

"Is Alex's trial difficult for you?"

"Murder?" I sigh painfully as he teases a knotted muscles back into smooth compliance. "Ow-"

"Shhh..." His lips are moist on the tiny hairs of my neck. "Tell me about the trial. Pain is fleeting remember?"

"Ow-" I cover my mouth and bite down on the flesh of my thumb. "God-"

"He's busy at the moment." Gregory teases sweetly. "He must be the one making all of these knots."

He finds the spot at the base of my neck that sends sparks across my eyes. I swallow the nausea that comes with it. "That might be enough-"

Gregory slides up the sofa and pulls me back against his chest. The air conditioning's off, it's a beautiful summer evening, but if he wasn't holding me I'd be freezing. He pulls the blanket up to my chin.

"It's all right Liv." He nestles my head against his shoulder. "I'm sure you'll work miracles for Alex."

Like I give a damn about what happens to Alex. I close my eyes and let myself fade into the smell of his aftershave. If sending her to prison would really get her out of Gregory's mind, I'd let her go. Picturing her in an orange prison jumpsuit is calming but she's innocent. Not that a lack of guilt is enough to keep her out of prison. I'm the only thing standing between her and the rest of her life behind bars.

Shivering runs through my body again. Gregory's hand moves up to my lips and he feels the movement in my chin.

"Are you still cold?" Gregory pulls me in tighter, wrapping his arms around my chest to help. "It's summer in California-"

"And I'm cold." I sigh heavily and shake my head. "I don't know what's going on with me."

Releasing me for a moment, he pulls his polo shirt over his head and cradles me to his naked chest. The warmth of his body helps. There's a certain playful, naughty aspect to it. Sitting here in the middle of our living room, half-naked and wrapped up in him. His lips tease their way up to my ear.

"Liv-" He folds my hands under his arms. "Olivia, do you think you might be pregnant? I know it's something we haven't talked about-"

Oh my god.

"Not since Sean was born, but I remember you standing in the shower until the hot water ran out and then crawling back into bed with me to warm up." Gregory runs his hand over my head, as if I were a little girl. "And if I remember correctly, it was you who took out the winter blankets last night."

"Being cold doesn't make me..." I can't even finish the thought. What if he's right?

"No no, you could be cold because you've lost a little weight-"

"You noticed that?" Silly question to even ask. He notices everything I do. What nightgown I wear to bed when I'm tired, and what I wear when I'm anything but.

One hand runs over my ribs, reminding me how close they are to the surface right now. I've had such trouble eating. Nothing, not even Rose's best efforts seem to have any taste to them.

"I just haven't had much of an appetite darling."

His arms stay under the blanket, warm and solid against my chest. He sighs and the tip of his nose runs up behind my ear.

"It's not like you." Gregory points out with that quiet assurance that so often surprises me. "Skipping a meal is just so-"

"Easy." I don't think I even meant to say it but he heard it.

"I know my opinion doesn't count for much in this marriage-" He's so calm about it, so beaten back after twenty years of living in my shadow. It doesn't even seem to bother him anymore. How can I deserve that? "But maybe these little cold spells of yours are a warning. Time to slow down, spend some time with your children, with me-"

"Oh darling." Even with his arms around me it's difficult to keep from shivering. "It's not that I don't want to be with you. What do you think runs through my head all day at the office?"

"Trial notes?" Gregory's teasing, but it's the chance that he's not that hurts. Pain is such a strange emotion. The mixture of guilt and the shame of not being closer to my family. Not being the one to children come to when they have a problem. Not being the one who tended scraped knees and midnight stomach aches.

"Don't be silly." Rubbing my hands together can't warm them up. He folds them within his. Reminding me how it feels to be small and vulnerable in someone else's grasp. "I think about you. I used to catch myself slipping your name into my briefs." I turn enough in his arms to look out across our living room towards the study. "Really darling, I'd go over my trial notes and whenever I got distracted, right there in the margin would be your name. Sneaking into whatever it was that I was trying to do."

He moves and suddenly his lips are pressed against mine. In the blissful space of parting, he cups my cheek. "That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

Smiling weakly, I find his wrist and turn it to look at his watch. It's only two. "When do the kids get back from class?"

Gregory pulls the information from the list in his mind. "Caitlin gets out of macro-economics at three and she waits for Sean to get done with psychology at quarter to four. Lately the both of them have been meeting that new boy of Cate's, the young man who came west from Kansas. She's been helping him get ready for graduate school in agriculture."

"Agriculture?" I make a face, but he nods simply.

"Caitlin likes him. He's a sweet, simple young man."

Catching the back of his head, I pull him in and kiss him as hard as I can. Gregory's eyes open wide with shock, but after a moment he returns my enthusiasm. Panting slightly as he pulls away, there's a laugh in his voice.

"What was that for?"

"Being the sweetest, simple young man, I've ever known and still managing to be exactly what I need. "

He laughs and shakes his head as he rearranges the blanket around me. "You should be careful, it doesn't take much of a compliment to go to this simple schoolteacher's head."

"Make love to me." The direct approach is always the best with him. I reach down to his belt and start undoing it with quick fingers.

"Now?" He pulls his hands back and watches me with quiet concern. "But you're-"

"Fine." I rip his belt free and dump it on the floor with my blouse. "And you're the one that started this little striptease when you took off my blouse."

"It was getting in the way." Gregory tries to explain, but he's never been able to hold out for long. "I don't want to hurt you. If you're not feeling well-"

"I'd feel better if you shut up and kiss me." I insist as I stand up and strip off my own pants. "I will call the doctor as soon as we're done. I'll get a late appointment, I'll do anything you want, just make love to me." I swallow the end of my thought. Going to the doctor terrifies me nearly as much as being pregnant again.

He grabs my hips and smiles appreciatively as he caresses the pale blue silk of my panties. "Anything I want?"

"All I want-" I drop to my knees on the floor. My skin erupt into goosebumps in the chill, but I don't care. i just want him to keep touching me.

His hands run up my chest to cup my breasts. He's not going to be able to say no now. Not when he can feel how much I want him.

Gregory throws off the blanket and pulls me up back onto the sofa. He's always lifting me from myself. Raising me up, wether he believes it or not. He rolls me over, tucking me between him and the warm leather of the sofa. "What do you want?"

His leg slides down the side of mine as he brushes my hair out over the cushion of the sofa. "Really?"

"Really?" I echo as I rock my hips against him and wish he could take me without all of this talking. Without the soul searching that frightens me so. "You. You make me feel safe."

"Why would a high powered- high society- talented- brilliant- beautiful woman like you need me to feel safe?" Gregory should give himself more credit for his observations. He sees right through me. Except for that last little bit I keep so close to my chest. The part of me I can't show anyone. Not even him.

His fingers roam inside my hips, sliding down and in. His eyes widen as I moan as soon as he touches me. It's not going to be long today. He could send me over the edge in a few touches of his hands but he knows how to make me wait. Stripping my panties down over my hips, he abandons me there and runs his hands back up to my chest. Perhaps he's just going to hold me tight against his chest and explore my mouth. I push against him hard enough to draw a groan.

"Please-" I beg him as I tighten my legs around his waist.

He crushes my lips as he kisses me again. "What's the rush?" One hand teases up my stomach to trace the bottom curve of my breast. "You're always in such a hurry." Trailing down my neck, he follows his hand with his mouth. It's not enough to nibble on one breast, so he moves to the other and toys with the sensitive skin around my nipple.

"It'll be hours before our children are home..." He purrs in his throat as he licks down the center of my stomach. "It's plenty of time." He's in no mood to stop. Gregory heads down to my hips, working down between my legs. He explores my thigh with his lips before taking hold of me with both hands around my hips. He can't be serious, but his tongue insists he is. The shudder crawl up my spine and I give in. Breathing faster just makes him more infuriating.

He has all the time in the world as he traces lazily around my clit. I twist, trying to get closer, but he holds me down. Fingers digging into the flesh of my thighs in the way that makes it even harder to hold still. He's stronger than he admits to being. I dig my hand into his hair and clench the fingers of the other tight into the blanket. He knows how hard this is for me. How terrifying it is to have my world shut down into the sensation of him and only him.

No amount of pleading will stop him. When I try to sit up he shoves me back roughly and punishes me with the nip of his teeth. The scream dies in my throat and he calls it up again when his hands find their way inside. He knows what he's doing and that's almost the worst part. He can work me into a frenzy and leave me entirely without recourse. I squirm and my back gets tight as he increases his rhythm.

Thank god the house is empty. the children wouldn't believe us. No parents are supposed to behave this way. The goosebumps are finally gone and sweat's starting to break out all over my body. my skin's damp as my hand slips from his head.

For a single moment of hell, he stops. The sudden lack of sensation hurts. He knows I'm close and he wants to look at me. Breath shudders. His fingers are still. He waits just long enough to let me feel the buzzing start to fade. Then he's back. He starts with his fingers, waiting, listening to the desperation in my voice. Then he takes me over. Pulling all of me into the warm softness of his mouth. How can I feel anything else? My head won't let me. Heat explodes through me, washing up into my head.

Screaming his name would be appropriate, but I can't form the word. I can't think. The most dangerous state of being. He's not going to let me be. He drives farther, pushing me beyond my limit. I reach down to push him away, desperate to get myself back. The screaming runs away with me, tearing my throat. He just waits, feeling my convulse under his hands and fianlly, desperately pull away from his mouth.

For a moment we're both still. He runs his hands gently over the shaking flesh of my stomach. I don't even know if I remember how to breath. He closes my legs and crawls up next to me. Wrapping his arms around me as he pulls up the blanket. I can smell my sweat on his neck but I'm finally, blissfully warm.

"Better?" He wonders playfully, knowing I don't have the breath to answer him. I turn over, forcing myself together enough to kiss him.

"I love you."

His eyes melt. How long has it been since that admission slipped from my lips without his prompting? "You really must be feeling strangely." His hands keep busy on my arm, always concerned for my welfare.

"I feel wonderful." I close my eyes and concentrate on feeling his warmth. His love. I should trust him. If there's anyone in the world I can trust, I would have to start with him. "Wonderful enough to do this-"

My tongue runs over the inside of his lips. He tastes salty, the strangeness I recognize as myself. Gregory's patient as I try to convince my body to open up to him. I'm still shaking but I want him. I want to be filled with him and he deserves to find his own release. My body's still stinging, but having him is more important. He's being too patient. Too gentle, finally I force him into me. I'm too sensitive for it not to hurt, but pain is living. Pain is real. He thrusts and my body resists. It's almost too much.

But this is for him. I could curl up in his arms and let go, but this is better. His teeth are in my shoulder. I dig my fingers into his back, feeling the smooth skin give way under my fingers. I force my tongue past his lips and let my pain free into the silence of his mouth. How can he know why I'm moaning?

His strength forces me deeper into the sofa, the leather and the blanket bunched around my chest are both damp with sweat. When he pushes harder I clench my teeth against the urge to cry out. I can't cry out. I have to let him finish. Faster, harder and his head rests against my chest. He crushes my breast in his mouth and stops. He finds his release, jolting as the orgasm shocks him.

His sweat is so much sweeter than my own. I can feel it bead up on my hands as I reach for his hair. It's so much more fun when it's loose and falling into his eyes.

"You're beautiful." He kisses my cheek, then my nose, and finally travels in a circle across my forehead. "Especially now that there's a little color in your face."

"Maybe I just needed a little exercise."

Gregory wipes sweat from his forehead and lets it fall to the floor from his fingers. "You certainly gave me that." He sprawls next to me, putting me between him and the back of the sofa. He drapes his arm across my shoulder and kisses me again. "Still only three."

I let my eyes close and listen to him set the alarm on his watch. He shouldn't bother, he doesn't nap. He'll just lie there and watch me sleep.

I shouldn't speed. There's always a squad around the entrance to our neighborhood. I drop the convertible into second gear and the engine whines around the curve to Ocean Avenue. Our house is just ahead. Alex's car is in the driveway. I pull past her and tuck my car into the garage. It's funny. Alex always knows I'm pregnant nearly the moment after Gregory does. Once I even told her first-

I fumble with keys to the door, too excited to get around it. I end up going through the garage, walking into the living room. I stop just before they can see me. I want to run to Gregory and tell him he was right. To put his hands on my stomach and let him take over. Let him worry and protect and fuss like he loves to do.

Alex's voice stops me. She didn't say it. She couldn't-

"I don't want to tell you but you're my best friend., I've always been honest with you." Alex shudders and I hear the rustling of clothes as she stands up. "I don't want anything from you. I don't want you to say anything. I have an editor in Minneapolis who's ready to take responsibility. He'll say it's his baby. A one night stand. He's always been a good friend of mine."

"Alex-"

"Let me finish." She begs softly. "I couldn't be happier. I've never had a child and I love you. I love that this is your baby-"

I drop my car keys, but the carpet eats the noise. I drop to my knees next to them, covering my mouth to keep my shock to myself. Alex and I have shared my children. She's always been here for Gregory and I. I could nearly forgive her for Gregory. But this. This is unforgiveable.


End file.
